Last night was rough all the way around. Our schedules are loaded up and my bride had a rough day at school where she teaches. In addition it was my long day and I also got home a little later than I expected because something else snuck into the day, pushing other things back, that still needed to be done. As a result, when I got home, my bride had been fuming for several hours. And for good reason. Once again, they are tying their hands, removing resources and pushing up administrative process in which predictions need to be made about things that are impossible to predict. On top of that, she's pregnant and trying to help our 3rd grader study for a big test all week. Add to that the fact that the local paper talked about the salaries that the higher-ups were getting and the blown money that's flying out the window at the same time that teachers are feeling pinched and harassed, and she was ripe with fury.
And then I walked in.
That was a mistake.
Not knowing what I was facing, I was blindsided. At first it was all about the above situation and all the crap that goes along with it. But after a while it became about all MY shortcomings. WHOA! Where did that come from? I don't know if she zoned in on my insecurities or what, but she had a sniper's aim and there were no wasted shots.
I have to be honest. It was pretty devastating. Usually I sit and listen because any time I try to respond, I am accused of making it about me. Well, last night she tried that again and I snapped back, "YOU made it about me!" I went on to express as clearly and calmly as I could, which wasn't very, that when I keep my mouth shut to listen I'm accused of not communicating, but when I express how I feel or what concerns me, I get attacked for making it about me.
Plain and simple, that's manipulation. I recognize it because my father used it all the time. There was no good answer, no possible response. Anything you said would lead into a trap.
"What will it be? Door number 1, 2, or 3?"
"Door number 3."
"Behind door number 3 we have....a pile of had grenades with pulled pins attached to the door. Now, let's see what you would have received behind the other two doors?"
*opens doors*
"It looks like you made a great choice because the other doors are exactly the same. Congrats!"
It's one thing to express yourself and your concerns, but it's another thing altogether to bait traps. If you're one of the guys who does that, KNOCK IT OFF!! Seriously, what gives?!
So how do we fight fair, then, gentlemen (and whatever ladies are reading)?
1. Stick to the issue. If the problem is a certain behavior, attitude, hobby, etc, make that the issue of the discussion. Don't bring in every kind of ammo you can think of to whittle her down. That's just vicious and does not express love AT ALL!
2. Try to work out a solution. If it's a problem that can be solved, make solving it the key point. Don't make it about doing things your way. Your spouse may have the best idea, even if it's not one you're used to, or if it wasn't yours.
3. Start slow. Don't blow up all of a sudden. If you have a problem with your wife, go and address it from a loving standpoint. Don't blindside her or bum rush her. She may not be aware of the issue, or she may be aware and ashamed/nervous/scared. If it works up to an explosive argument, take an opportunity to rein it back in so you can discuss it calmly and make progress.
4. Fix what you can. Not every stress is a solvable issue. Sometimes outside stresses come in and there's nothing you can do about it (rising utility costs, sudden home repairs, layoffs, etc.). If you can't fix it, let it go and accept it as part of life.
5. Determine to be on the same page and stand together. Don't let this stuff divide you.
6. Deny yourself the luxury of personal attacks, including attacks on her family and friends.
7. Take responsibility for your part and give the benefit of the doubt to your spouse. Just because you don't like what she had to say doesn't mean it's not true.
8. Talk about one thing at a time. Throwing a list of accusations and failures at your spouse will overwhelm her with feelings of despair and incompetence, rather than providing hope for solving the problem at hand.
9. Remember that it's not a competition about who's got it worse. Both of your jobs have their stresses, both of you feel inadequate at some things, both of you get exhausted, both of you misunderstand the other's schedule and responsibilities, and so on and so on. Don't degrade the other person's work simply because yours is hard. Theirs is, too, and has its own stresses.
10. Venture to offer the first apology and to freely accept whatever apology is offered as soon as it's offered. Forgiveness breeds more freedom in offering apologies.
So, there you go: 10 rules for fighting fair. Of course you're free to add more and these will need to be more specific based on various personal circumstances, but there they are just the same.
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