How Far is Too Far?

And, no, it's not in the context you may be thinking. Rather, how much should I share of myself in a potential fire?

Let me explain. I have a hot temper. Fiery hot. Inferno. I grew up in a home where my father was free to express his feelings in whatever way he felt, as his father had done. I have that very same temper, but over the course of more than 25 years, especially as I have become a follower of Christ and learned about the necessity and "fruit" of self-control as a marker of the faith. Because I have worked to learn self-control, I have people come to me with difficult situations or struggles knowing that I will not lash out or speak harshly, but will listen with silence and can offer solid, godly counsel (as I understand it at the time). In short, God has taken my raging inferno and has taught me to keep it as smoldering embers.

Sometimes, however, a gust of wind comes and re-ignites it into a small flame, but one that is easily tamped out. As a pastor, I have had numerous people tell me, I believe incorrectly, that I have no business expressing my emotions, but am to care for the sheep and to meet their needs and am really, to reflect kind of an anchor in their storm. Those aren't the words that were used, but it is the sentiment that has been expressed. Repeatedly.

Let me be honest. My bride was reared by an abusive man and a manipulative woman. Upon the birth of our son, they arrived and spent several days with us before her father returned home to care for some business and left my mother-in-law for a few days alone with us. Over the course of that time, my bride and her mother settled back into their historical pattern of negative talk, her mother berating her father's shortcomings peppered the conversations.

As a result, my bride has again taken up that attitude, as we are all wont to do when immersed in an environment for an extended time period. Because of our family's extended stay, we did not get any time together just the four of us (my bride and I, and our two children) to spend time alone together before I returned to work and our daughter to school. This has sent my bride into a depression that is partially post-partum, but is also an occasional occurrence on its own.

So over the course of the last two weeks, my bride has belittled me, questioned my love for our son, my competence as husband, father, and working man, questioned my priorities because I go to work each day, and has made numerous manipulative comments and loaded questions. Her modus operandi is to (and not just recently, but historically) is to push for a reaction, and then when she gets one, she uses it to either berate herself using my words as fodder, or to turn our individual struggles and pains into a competition, essentially making sure that I know how much worse she has it than me.

Her greatest consistent complaint is that she always shares more than me. But what happens when I share my feelings? She makes statements that question my masculinity and my integrity. For instance, I came home early from a workout and told her why: I was running on a treadmill and on the eliptical machine right in front of me, this woman got on and she was very attractive, and had tattoos that attracted my attention, and was dressed to, as well. I tried not to look for about 10 minutes, but for my own benefit, I cut my run short and left. Did I get a "Thank you for thinking of me and leaving," or "I know that was hard for you and I appreciate you making that choice?" No. I was called a pervert for even noticing her and my loyalty to my bride was again called into question.

That is just ONE example. But last night was difficult because there was so much I wanted to say as she pushed me for it. Another thing she does is questions EVERY decision I make, my competence, my commitment, my priorities, etc. etc. And she waits until she's upset to push me to make a decision about something, knowing it's going to be one she doesn't agree with. So she gets mad if I hold my tongue so I don't say something out of anger, and she gets mad or offended if I answer honestly. Then she turns it into an opportunity to cry about her own failure to be a good wife or mother, or whatever.

So there it is. I love my wife dearly, as I hope you have gathered from my numerous posts, but this is an area that I have yet to figure out how to respond appropriately. I know what you will say, "Groom you need to be honest with her and communicate." And I try that. Do I just go cold and when she gets upset, say, "Well, you asked for it; there it is," or do I continue to weigh my words as I have been doing for so long, and only respond with words of comfort? Obviously that's not working, but I'm also trying to be very sensitive to both our pasts. And, yes I have called her out on her manipulation on a few occasions, and last night we talked about it again.