How it USED to Be

I don't know if you've picked up on this, but I haven't updated this blog in a long time. I hate that, and it has come to mind numerous times in the past several weeks. I feel like I have neglected this blog and all of you who have been reading it and following. Let me tell you what has been going on.

Our son was born just before Christmas, and he's fine, but we have discovered an issue that is requiring treatment, but insurance doesn't cover it. So we have been making appointments with various pediatricians and specialists to find a solution. And we finally did. On top of that, work and family has been insanely busy. But I have also been negligent here. And for that I apologize. I know that my blog is not a key part of anyone's life, but I committed to you that I would maintain this blog and I have fallen off on that. My sincerest apologies.

THE ACTUAL POST BEGINS HERE!

Do you know what I'm going to talk about here? Sex!

Kind of.

In the last year or so, our sex life has dwindled dramatically over what it had become in the previous couple of years. I find myself concerned that we will settle into how things used to be. And that wasn't good. It wasn't bad, really, just insufficient and infrequent. I've shared the testimony before (and if you need any refreshers, look at the bio to the right or read some earlier posts. Heck, do both!) and I've shared how neither of us were really happy about it. It had a negative effect on our marriage because our focus was rarely on each other, but was on so many of our other responsibilities. But a couple of years ago I had a change of heart and we both loved it! We even began taking "lay-cations" together in the winter, just a long weekend together with no responsibilities except to relax, make love, spend time together, and make more love.

Did I mention making love? Because that was part of it, too.

So last spring we found out that my bride was unexpectedly pregnant and she delivered a few days before Christmas. So now our son is going on 8 months old and we love him dearly, and his sister (who is a great big sister!), and each other. But various things have fallen off due to our schedules, but also to my dear bride's returning health issues. We will often go several days saying, "We need to make love," only to have other things come up with my ministry, our family, or health. And we are disappointed.

You see, that's how things used to be for us. We have several used to be's. We used to be young and I could get an erection whether I wanted one or not. We used to have young bodies that were shaped differently and were more impressive in swimwear. We used to have only each other in our home and could make love whenever and wherever we wanted. But we also used to have sexual inhibitions because of poor teaching or ignorance. We used to be concerned about showing physical affection in front others (as I'm a student pastor). We used to be too nervous to ask for sex if we thought there might be a possibility that our spouse wouldn't be up for it. We used to think our bodies had to be perfect to be sexy. We used to think using our vacations for anything except family visits was frivolous and unnecessary. We used to think that sex was really only for the younger couples and that as we got older, it would naturally be less frequent.

See, longing for the way things used to be is not necessarily a good thing. While in some ways I miss some of the "freedoms" of our youth, what I really would like is the same thing that many people long for: "If I knew then what I know now, I would have done things differently." Sometimes, even in the bedroom, a newer passion replaces an older one, rather than being added to the repertoire, so to speak. This is what has happened to me in recent months.

If you aren't aware of this, I used to avoid performing oral sex on my bride. In my mind it wasn't especially pleasant, I didn't know what I was doing, and I had tried it on rare occasion early on in our marriage, but for only a few minutes at a time. In recent years I made it a point to be both pleased by it and to be proficient. And I'm so glad. My bride enjoys it and it has also prompted her to return the favor. However, several weeks ago, right after we made love, she said, "I'm really glad you enjoy doing that for me, but I get the feeling that it has replaced some of the things you used to do. It's like now that you've discovered that, you don't feel that some of the other things are necessary."

When I asked her to clarify, she reminded me of how we used to just make out for a long time and my hands and mouth would wander eventually. I used to undress her slowly. I would spend a lot of time exploring her mouth, neck, shoulders, and breasts with my hands, mouth and tongue. My hand would eventually wander to her vulva and that I would explore her with my hand and fingers while still kissing her. After I thought about it, I realized she was right. I had found something that we both enjoyed and I guess I considered it an upgrade (unconsciously) instead of another tool for the toolbox, so to speak.

It wasn't a conscious decision, but rarely are our decisions conscious. We gradually slip into patterns. We move from eating at the table to eating on the couch. We move from being active to being inactive. We move from diligence in Bible study to trying to squeeze it in when we can. We move from reading with our children in their beds, to asking them if they read last night. Believe me, I believe in growth and change, but we need to remember back on the way things used to be and there are some of our old patterns that we need to pick back up again.

Groom, what have stopped doing for your bride, that you used to?
Do you say "I love you" for no reason a few times a day?
Do you make giving her a kiss, the last thing you do when you leave the house, and the first thing you do on your return?
Do you get her gifts and flowers for no reason on occasion?
Do you still open the car door for her?
Do you order for her at restaurants?
Do you express your desire for her, even after the years and pregnancies have changed her body?
Do you still speak gently and kindly to her?
Do you still apologize and forgive freely?
Do you still do the things you know she likes, to win her heart?
Do you kiss and touch her face, neck, and hands when you pass her in the kitchen or hallway?
Do you unload the groceries for her when she pulls up?
Do you take chores off her hands, helping with the children and the home?
Do you defend and compliment her publicly?
Do you compliment her beauty to her face, and to others, without a prompt?

No? What changed? If you want to win or keep your bride's heart, always pursue her. Pay attention to what she likes. Recognize all she does for you and express your gratitude. Pray for her when you pray together. Thank God for her and for your children. Let your honor of her be so obvious and overflowing that there is no room for resentment or coldness in either of your hearts.