Be The Groom

Keeping the Sanctuary

2011-11-17T13:42:00.002-05:00

I was gone for a few days to a conference and to help take care of our kids, we asked my mother to come up to the house. She gladly accepted and was a great help to my bride. When I arrived home late Tuesday afternoon my mother offered to take our little girl to her karate class so my bride and I could spend a little time together. We didn't actually get to "spend time together" as she was working on things for school and I was trying to repair my computer, but we did get to talk some.

Wednesday morning my bride gave our son a bath and came down with his hair still wet and unkempt, an unusual scene. She couldn't find his brush and was wondering if I knew where it was. We discovered that my mother had given him a bath in our bathroom instead of in the shared bathroom in the hallway, and my wife was none too pleased. She had given everything needed for a bath so that there would be no need to come into our room. She said, "I set everything up so that she wouldn't have to come into our room. It wasn't cleaned up for guests and frankly I feel a little violated. That's OUR space." And she continued on. And in our case, she was rightfully upset. I'm thankful that she handled it with some decorum and that peace was preserved.

In our homes growing up and still today, the master bedroom was kind of secretive. Yes, we were allowed in if we asked permission, or were given permission, to go pick something up. And we could go in if we were invited in after knocking, or to just set the folded laundry on the bed. But it was not a shared space like the rest of the house. And we try to do the same for our children. We want to respect their privacy and as our daughter is getting older she will begin needing more privacy for modesty sake (but we still want to be aware of what happens in her room, to an extent). So we have set up the master bedroom to be OUR space.

So, let me ask you, Groom, are you keeping the Sanctuary? Is your master bedroom a place of rest and peace, a place of bonding and intimacy? Is there anything you need to change to make it that way? I'm not going to tell you ALL the things you need to get rid of to make this a love nest because I think it varies by couple. Some say no electronics in the room except an alarm clock. Others vary on that spectrum. Some say it needs to be the cleanest room in the house, the first place that gets attention. I'm not there yet.

But it certainly does need to be a sanctuary, a place where you, your wife, and God can make peace and rest in each other. It can be a place where you pray, have devotional time, talk, make love, get dressed, and generally relax. In our room we have a television and DVD player and we often bring our laptops in with us, but we are able to spend time side by side in bed and talk as we work on school and work projects. We sometimes watch a movie that is too old for our little girl and often it is all turned off so we can just be alone together.

Our daughter was taught early on that if the door is closed, she is to knock and we will either invite her in or answer it, but she is not to open it on her own. Sadly, however, our room is typically the last one we get to when it comes to cleaning the house. It is one of the things we would like to remedy, but we haven't figured out how to justify it to ourselves. Maybe in time we will. But despite the cycling laundry and clutter, that is our sanctuary, our safe space, the only place in the house that is ours alone, and that's important to us.

So do what you can, fellow groom to preserve the sanctuary of your master bedroom. Make it a safe place for you and your bride. Here are some ways to start:

1. Don't fight in the bedroom. If you need to hash out an issue, use a guest room or another empty space.
2. Don't spend most of your time in the bedroom. Sure on occasion it's fun to lie in bed, watch movies, read, make love, play games, or whatever. But keep that room special and fun.
3. Decorate it. Let your bride pick the colors and patterns and scents that she wants in there, and go with her to pick it up, put it together, and design. New paint, curtains, bed clothes, furniture, flooring, even starting with closet organizing to clean up the clutter; all of this is stuff that will make that YOUR own little space and makes it a joy to enter and rest.
4. Build fond memories there. Make it a massage parlor, love nest, reading room, resort spa, and salon. Being able to associate sights, sounds, and scents of pleasure will make it more plausible for your bride to be at ease in that room. And relaxation and peace are always great for a passionate love life and building intimacy.

Remember the Titan

2011-09-06T14:20:00.002-04:00

I have a problem. I'm a failure.

I try too hard. I work a lot. And I fail as a result.

It's true. I'm an abysmal failure.

Each post on this blog even gives indications of what to think and what to do. I advise others to work harder and to do more. And I say it because those are things we can consciously do to change or improve something we don't like or are doing wrong. I may look at something that needs to be fixed and discern if I can fix it or not. I can advise other people to say "I love you" more, to hold the door open for others, to....whatever.

But I don't advise people to be taller or to reactivate their dead follicles or to change their eye color. Why? Because it's foolish. Sure there are things that CAN be done: shoe lifts and heels, colored contact lenses, Rogaine. But those don't fix the problem. They are temporary fixes and will ultimately fail. If I stop taking Rogaine, I will again lose my hair. When I am barefoot I am once again short. When I remove my colored contacts my eyes return to that color I disdain.

I'm a failure.

I can no more teach a person to do more to gain success in certain areas than I can to one race to become another race. It is foolishness. And so I fail in my own life, yet I berate myself for the things I cannot change.

I stand shirtless or naked as I brush my teeth and I criticize myself in the mirror, cursing my genes. Hair where I don't want hair, no hair where I want hair. My trucker's tan against a pale torso and upper arms. The shape of my face and my eye features. My lack of height. My baldness and my uneven ears. The size of my...

Well, you get the picture.

But I have to change. I have to force myself to change. Well, not really, but yes I do. I need to make a conscious decision to stop. To stop being me. To stop being the person I am so that I can truly be the person I am.

"Groom, put down the pills. You're not making any sense."

Exactly. I'm not making sense. And I know that. But let me tell you that that is exactly the problem. I am depending on myself to change things I cannot change. And I need to change. We all do. But that change does not come in the form of greater effort. It doesn't come in the form of trying harder or doing more or concentration, focus, drive. It comes in rest.

If "who I am" is a person who is driven to change things about me that I cannot change, then I need to change "who I am" so that I can be who I am. Who I truly am. The person I'm created to be.

I fail because I forget. I forget to rest. If you don't know the song "Cry Out to Jesus" by Third Day, do yourself a favor and look it up and listen to it. I recently read this article and it reminded me of my life, of what I strive to do. And of what Jesus offers. I am deeply unsatisfied with myself. I try my best to do and to be what's right, but I never rest. I fight battles I can't win and I'm consumed by my own incompetence.

But there is one who fights for me. A titan. A God-man. He bears my burdens and has the ability to change "who I am" to who I am. He works tirelessly because He doesn't grow weary, and He calls those who do. To rest. To come and rest.

So, fellow grooms, sit beside me and rest. There is always work to do, but let's rest together at the feet of the One who can give us rest. And comfort. And peace. Forget about your striving.

And remember the Titan.

The Right Thing is the Right Thing

2011-08-30T09:19:00.002-04:00

It's been a rough couple of weeks for the Groom. Mostly busy, but also facing the unexpected. But in the midst of it all, God has been more than faithful. Every once in a while God will do something to remind me of what He really means when He says, "abundantly more than you can ask or imagine." A lot of prosperity preachers will give their interpretation and in an effort to do so they have to edit the Bible to remove a lot of the passages in which God's people, even Jesus Himself, face hardship or poverty despite their faith and obedience.

But over and over again, the Lord continues to bless me despite my fear, unbelief, and disobedience. A few months ago we discovered that my little boy, now eight months old, has "positional plagiocephaly", which is a medical way of saying that my son has slept in the same position every night and his head has a flat spot as a result. Part of that cause is that he also has "torticollis", or "turtle neck". This just means that the muscles on one side of his neck are shorter than on the other side, so he favors looking to the right, and can look further right, than left. With therapy that is improving, but the misshapen head is severe enough that it won't go away on its own. Which we figured, so we have spent several months going through the process of getting him tested and evaluated and eventually were able to get him a helmet last week.

But God has been faithful and has given us great doctors along the way, and a great orthopedist/prostheticist. With our son's temperament, he has taken well to the helmet and doesn't complain at all about it. However, the insurance won't pay for it, although we can appeal, so we have had to pay up front for it. But as I was swimming laps one evening after paying the first half, a friend showed up with a bank envelope that said, "Loose change", and propped it up against the "lap swim" sign where my goggle case and shammy were lying. Inside was the full amount, in cash, for the helmet! As we appeal the insurance company, we will of course repay him, but this is not a loan from him, but a gift.

We have also experienced an earthquake and a hurricane in the last week. And a tree fell on our house. No one was hurt and there was no significant damage done that I can tell. The tree was dead and was just over the property line on the neighbor's property. So as the neighbor and I try to figure out whose insurance should cover it, we both called our insurance agents and I made a visit to mine to discuss it. I'll be honest. I thought it would be handled differently than it has been so far. My neighbor and I are cool. There's no hard feelings on either side and neither feels the other is trying to stick it to the other; we just want it resolved.

So when I visited my insurance agent, he told us we could file a claim with him, file one with the neighbor's agent, or have the tree removed myself, and file for a reimbursement. This summer, we have had to pay tons of medical bills, extra high bills due to heat, and had to buy a new car, taking on car payments. So paying to remove the tree ourselves is not a great option for us. So we went to the neighbor's agent and tried to file a claim. As soon as we walked in we saw Christian imagery and Scripture verses everywhere, but the attitude with which we were greeted was anything but. Now, let me set the stage and say that the man who runs this agency was present, and he is a bi-vocational pastor in our small town. We've met before. So I was surprised at the tone and the attitude with which our request to even FILE was met. After a brief exchange, I said, "I'll just talk to my agent and let you fight it out." And we returned to our agent and he said, "That's pretty typical. Some agencies will do business that way and will be willing to pay once someone else has paid all the administrative fees through filing. We'll take care of it."

Now, I know it's insurance and their goal is to not spend money. But I've known plenty of businesses personally, in which the professing Christian businessman somehow separates his Christian faith from his business practice and from the history I have with this man and now my visit to his office on insurance business, I wasn't really that surprised.

But what about us at home, gentlemen? Do we separate our faith in God from our relationship with our wives and children? Are you a different man in church than you are in your living room? Or at your son's ball game? Do you speak to your wife the same way at home as you do at church? I'm not talking about perfection; I'm talking about integrity. If we do something wrong, we ought to apologize and commit to change. That's doing the right thing. We ought to do what's right regardless of whether anyone else will know about it or not.

One final example. I was walking into Target a few weeks ago and there was a family with a young boy of less than 3 years old, and he had grabbed something he wanted off the low bin in the front display of cheap trinkets. Rather than taking it out of his hand and putting it back, the father told him, "We need to hurry before they see that you got that." Contrast that with a decision I had to make. I had gone to Wal-mart a couple of months ago and had several big things in my cart and none of them needed bags. But I had also grabbed a tube of toothpaste off the shelf and set it in the cart. When I checked out, she scanned everything while it was in the cart, so it wasn't until I got out to the car and unloaded that I noticed the toothpaste. Because of my schedule that day and the busy-ness of Wal-mart, I committed to pay for it next time. When I returned the next week I grabbed a toothpaste (the same kind and size) and when I got to the register I told the cashier what happened, so she needed to scan this one then put it to the side. She told me I was crazy, but I insisted. I felt so much better. I could easily have walked off. It was only $3, I could tell myself; they wouldn't miss it. But the right thing is the right thing. And my daughter learned a valuable lesson. And hopefully she still sees me as a man of honor, worthy of her trust. It's just one more brick, gentlemen. Build your house to withstand the storms and earthquakes that will surely come, and watch the Lord bless you beyond all you could dream or imagine.

How it USED to Be

2011-06-24T21:45:00.004-04:00

I don't know if you've picked up on this, but I haven't updated this blog in a long time. I hate that, and it has come to mind numerous times in the past several weeks. I feel like I have neglected this blog and all of you who have been reading it and following. Let me tell you what has been going on.

Our son was born just before Christmas, and he's fine, but we have discovered an issue that is requiring treatment, but insurance doesn't cover it. So we have been making appointments with various pediatricians and specialists to find a solution. And we finally did. On top of that, work and family has been insanely busy. But I have also been negligent here. And for that I apologize. I know that my blog is not a key part of anyone's life, but I committed to you that I would maintain this blog and I have fallen off on that. My sincerest apologies.

THE ACTUAL POST BEGINS HERE!

Do you know what I'm going to talk about here? Sex!

Kind of.

In the last year or so, our sex life has dwindled dramatically over what it had become in the previous couple of years. I find myself concerned that we will settle into how things used to be. And that wasn't good. It wasn't bad, really, just insufficient and infrequent. I've shared the testimony before (and if you need any refreshers, look at the bio to the right or read some earlier posts. Heck, do both!) and I've shared how neither of us were really happy about it. It had a negative effect on our marriage because our focus was rarely on each other, but was on so many of our other responsibilities. But a couple of years ago I had a change of heart and we both loved it! We even began taking "lay-cations" together in the winter, just a long weekend together with no responsibilities except to relax, make love, spend time together, and make more love.

Did I mention making love? Because that was part of it, too.

So last spring we found out that my bride was unexpectedly pregnant and she delivered a few days before Christmas. So now our son is going on 8 months old and we love him dearly, and his sister (who is a great big sister!), and each other. But various things have fallen off due to our schedules, but also to my dear bride's returning health issues. We will often go several days saying, "We need to make love," only to have other things come up with my ministry, our family, or health. And we are disappointed.

You see, that's how things used to be for us. We have several used to be's. We used to be young and I could get an erection whether I wanted one or not. We used to have young bodies that were shaped differently and were more impressive in swimwear. We used to have only each other in our home and could make love whenever and wherever we wanted. But we also used to have sexual inhibitions because of poor teaching or ignorance. We used to be concerned about showing physical affection in front others (as I'm a student pastor). We used to be too nervous to ask for sex if we thought there might be a possibility that our spouse wouldn't be up for it. We used to think our bodies had to be perfect to be sexy. We used to think using our vacations for anything except family visits was frivolous and unnecessary. We used to think that sex was really only for the younger couples and that as we got older, it would naturally be less frequent.

See, longing for the way things used to be is not necessarily a good thing. While in some ways I miss some of the "freedoms" of our youth, what I really would like is the same thing that many people long for: "If I knew then what I know now, I would have done things differently." Sometimes, even in the bedroom, a newer passion replaces an older one, rather than being added to the repertoire, so to speak. This is what has happened to me in recent months.

If you aren't aware of this, I used to avoid performing oral sex on my bride. In my mind it wasn't especially pleasant, I didn't know what I was doing, and I had tried it on rare occasion early on in our marriage, but for only a few minutes at a time. In recent years I made it a point to be both pleased by it and to be proficient. And I'm so glad. My bride enjoys it and it has also prompted her to return the favor. However, several weeks ago, right after we made love, she said, "I'm really glad you enjoy doing that for me, but I get the feeling that it has replaced some of the things you used to do. It's like now that you've discovered that, you don't feel that some of the other things are necessary."

When I asked her to clarify, she reminded me of how we used to just make out for a long time and my hands and mouth would wander eventually. I used to undress her slowly. I would spend a lot of time exploring her mouth, neck, shoulders, and breasts with my hands, mouth and tongue. My hand would eventually wander to her vulva and that I would explore her with my hand and fingers while still kissing her. After I thought about it, I realized she was right. I had found something that we both enjoyed and I guess I considered it an upgrade (unconsciously) instead of another tool for the toolbox, so to speak.

It wasn't a conscious decision, but rarely are our decisions conscious. We gradually slip into patterns. We move from eating at the table to eating on the couch. We move from being active to being inactive. We move from diligence in Bible study to trying to squeeze it in when we can. We move from reading with our children in their beds, to asking them if they read last night. Believe me, I believe in growth and change, but we need to remember back on the way things used to be and there are some of our old patterns that we need to pick back up again.

Groom, what have stopped doing for your bride, that you used to?
Do you say "I love you" for no reason a few times a day?
Do you make giving her a kiss, the last thing you do when you leave the house, and the first thing you do on your return?
Do you get her gifts and flowers for no reason on occasion?
Do you still open the car door for her?
Do you order for her at restaurants?
Do you express your desire for her, even after the years and pregnancies have changed her body?
Do you still speak gently and kindly to her?
Do you still apologize and forgive freely?
Do you still do the things you know she likes, to win her heart?
Do you kiss and touch her face, neck, and hands when you pass her in the kitchen or hallway?
Do you unload the groceries for her when she pulls up?
Do you take chores off her hands, helping with the children and the home?
Do you defend and compliment her publicly?
Do you compliment her beauty to her face, and to others, without a prompt?

No? What changed? If you want to win or keep your bride's heart, always pursue her. Pay attention to what she likes. Recognize all she does for you and express your gratitude. Pray for her when you pray together. Thank God for her and for your children. Let your honor of her be so obvious and overflowing that there is no room for resentment or coldness in either of your hearts.

Forcing Our Way Up

2011-03-18T11:45:00.002-04:00

This morning I had to pick up some meds for my bride and while I was there I grabbed a Time magazine off the shelf. The cover story was a debate between two columnists concerning the state of America, and what can/should be done. The first columnist, Fareed Zakaria, is a nationalized citizen and makes some great statements in his article. I want to focus on a specific historical viewpoint and how that should relate to us as husbands and family men.

In addressing the comfort and success of the United States historically, Zakaria refers back to a book my Mancur Olson called The Decline of Nations. Zakaria states, "He was prompted by what he thought was a strange paradox after World War II. Britain, having won the war, slipped into deep stagnation, while Germany, the loser, grew powerfully year after year... Olson concluded that, paradoxically, it was success that hurt Britain, while failure helped Germany. British society grew comfortable, complacent and rigid, and its economic and political arrangements became ever more elaborate and costly, focused on distribution rather than growth...

"Germany, by contrast, was almost entirely destroyed by World War II. That gave it a chance not just to rebuild its physical infrastructure but also to revise its antiquated arrangements and institutions-- the political system, the guilds, the economy-- with a more modern frame of mind. Defeat made it possible to question everything and to rebuild from scratch."

Granted, Olson was making literal historical notes on the effects of conflict on two nations. However, can we not also view our own marriages and families (and jobs, hobbies, health...) through that same perspective? Often the initial response from so many people in times of conflict, even in marriage, is to find a way out OR to make ourselves more comfortable. We avoid issues or we look for any little thing to justify the erosion of our relationship. In these cases, we are thinking like Britain. How many people do you know that are married and content, but are no longer passionate or pursuant of each other with more than a "of course I love him/her; we're married" kind of attitude. I know people who are still married because they have been for years, but the marriages are basically dead. It's simply a habit.

But there are those who have faced struggle and failure and crisis and when their friends and family advised them to end it because "He doesn't deserve you," or "She did you wrong," they stood together and faced their crises, offered forgiveness and did the things it took to restructure their marriage and to look ahead to the future. Together.

So let us look at ourselves, fellow grooms and ask ourselves if we are comfortable and complacent. Are we happy with how things are, unwilling to change or seeing no need for it? Or is there work to do? Even if things are going well, which they may be, can we still move forward? The answer, without even meeting you, is "yes." We are all there. Self-evaluation is imperative, and growth will come as a result.

Look forward, groom, and face your future together.

What are you worth?

2011-03-09T11:33:00.003-05:00

I was recently introduced to a site (you can click the title above to link over) in which you entered your information and it gives you a monetary value for your body. It takes into account your sex, age, size, hair and eye color, and family medical history, along with several other factors. I suppose it gives you a value of what you would bring on the organ donor or human trafficking black markets.

So I entered my data, being as objective as I could, considering the vagueness of the options (all in drop-down boxes) and came out to around $2.5 million. So I thought I would run an add to see if anyone was interested in at least renting me. After all, in this economy, a man's gotta do what he can to take care of his family. So while I didn't get anyone willing to pay what I was asking, I got some very...um....interesting "trade" offers off Craigslist. Ew.

I'm kidding. About the Craigslist thing, not the black market website. But it did get me thinking about my true value. And I believe if I went back to that site and filled in some of the blanks differently, my value would increase or decrease as a result. Honestly, it's a stupid website that is just for fun, while at the same time can either give your ego a boost (especially if you're a big fat liar), or seriously burst your bubble. Fortunately, we know that our value is not determined by body parts or educational background or IQ tests, as much as we would like to believe that.

So what is our value based upon? Quite simply, it's a standard that was set before time began and our own accomplishments can neither increase it or reduce it. God set our value long ago and we are, in a word, priceless. Let me clarify that priceless should never be confused with worthless. Worthless gives a sense that something has no value whatsoever. It's what you would hear if you took a piece of gravel in to a jeweler and asked them to give you a cost estimate should you try to sell it. While a diamond that is no more than the size of a small nut, could sell for an amount in the thousands, a truckload of gravel can be bought for less and will be used to keep mud off your shoes and tires as you walk or drive over it.

Priceless, on the other hand, means that the value is so great that it cannot be measured in simple dollars and cents. It is why we refuse to pay more than $25,000 for a car, but will spend a half a million dollars to treat a loved one for cancer or some other illness. We see one as a waste of money and we see the other from the standpoint of, "It's only money."

So how much are we worth? We are worth enough that God made plans before time began to buy us back using, not money, but the lifeblood of His Son, Jesus. I don't know that we will ever understand the value that God has placed on us, but the fact remains that the Groom gave everything He had to win His bride.

So, groom, in light of that realization, the question comes, what are you willing to offer for your bride? Maybe you and your bride aren't as close as you'd like, or even as close as you used to be. What changed, and what can you do to change that? What is your family worth to you? How much would you pay to make sure your bride and your children know just how much value you place on them?

Last night my bride and I were talking. We're approaching 16 years married this summer, 19 years together total. My dearest said, "Do you realize that that means I've been with you for half my life?" It's true. When we met and started dating, she was 19. I still find it hard to believe that anyone would stay with me for nearly two decades. I'm not much of a catch, but I guess my bride thinks I am. Maybe it's because she knows how much I value her and how important she is. She knows because I say it. I show it. I act on it. And I do it all as often as I can.

So, fellow groom, may I encourage you to express your bride's and family's full value in every way you know how, and to always look for new ways. Here are some things to consider:

1. Make note of special days, dates, and occasions, and mention it. "Do you know what tomorrow is?..."
2. Forget the last time you said, "I love you." This keeps you saying it, just in case.
3. Offer praise and pride for the accomplishments of your bride and children. A lot.
4. If you don't have to say no, don't. Sometimes ice cream is good just because. And so are seconds.
5. Change your schedule to meet their needs and desires when possible. Not always of course, but if you can miss or postpone something menial for time with them, do it sometimes.
6. Make sure everyone around you knows how incredible your bride and children are. Brag on what they do, while keeping your own accomplishments in your pocket.
7. Pray with and for them, and praise God for His blessing of your wife and kids.

Invest in yourself and your family, groom. You're worth it.

Good Times

2011-02-21T12:23:00.002-05:00

Not the 70s show about an urban black family, but my own household recently.

Well, for starters, my little boy is sick right now, but he's still a laid-back little boy, and my little girl misses being able to hug and kiss him, and we hate that for her.

Otherwise, things are going well. The reason I've been out is that I went back home to visit my father and step-mother, and to introduce them to their new grandson. We packed up the van with TONS of stuff (boy, we forgot how much stuff you have to take when carrying a baby with you on a trip) and left an hour late for our all-day drive. About 30 minutes into the trip, the heater started smelling funny, so we turned it off, stopped at Wal-mart and bought some blankets and socks. The rest of the trip was nice and uneventful. We even stopped at Zaxby's! We miss Zaxby's because they don't have it here and we had just been introduced a few months before our move. Now when we visit back home we make it a point to eat at the places we don't get here.

Anywho, we had a nice week at home. We saw most of the family, visited old friends one night for dinner, and spent the rest of the week at my parents' house. Playing Wii. Now we have a Wii Fit Plus so we can spend time together working out at home. Now, as you may recall, I work out a lot anyway, but this gives us about 30-60 min together just hula-hooping, doing yoga, ski-jumping and dancing after our little girl goes to bed each night. And we're enjoying it.

But while we were at my folks' home, my father built our son a table for his room, and now I'm spending most evenings putting another coat of stain on it to get it dark enough to match the rest of his furniture. My father is quite the carpenter and he really enjoyed this project. I drew him a sketch (not a good picture, a SKETCH) and sent a picture of my son's furniture, and my dad created this table from his own head. It looks great. Now I have to not screw it up with the stain.
But he rested a lot. He had just finished his treatments and his energy was low, but he got that table done and we got to just relax for the first time in a long time. It was good to be home.

Lately, things have been pretty decent at home, too. My daughter made the honor roll in school and passed her karate test, so now she's a green belt and in the advanced class. I finally got my feel for the water back and have been able to swim and run a few times, but still have a lot of work to do to get faster and to get on my bike. My first race is April 2 and I need to get in some good shape for it. My bride even mentioned the possibility of doing a 5k with me in the spring, but we would all be walking it. I'm cool with that. I would love to do that with my fam.

And I was finally able to make love to my bride again. The doc gave her the all clear and Friday morning as our son slept and our daughter was at school, we took advantage. And it was good. REALLY good! Like old times. So there you go. Things at the Groom's castle have picked back up to where they once were and where they should be.

This was just an update. No great words of wisdom, lessons or challenges. Hang tough. I'll be back soon.

Check out the Blog and Site

2011-02-21T11:53:00.002-05:00

Hey, I know I've been away for a while, but I'll post soon. Things have been insane, but lots of good. In the meantime, my dear friend Shula "Sensuous Wife" Jackson (blog linked at the right) was interviewed about her business and her attitude about sex in the Christian community. She has a great attitude. I want to ask that you read this interview on the blog below (just click on the link), check out HER blog, and visit her store, which can be linked to from her blog site.

http://www.thechurchofnopeople.com/2011/02/love-month-feature-sensuous-wife/

How Far is Too Far?

2011-01-19T10:05:00.002-05:00

And, no, it's not in the context you may be thinking. Rather, how much should I share of myself in a potential fire?

Let me explain. I have a hot temper. Fiery hot. Inferno. I grew up in a home where my father was free to express his feelings in whatever way he felt, as his father had done. I have that very same temper, but over the course of more than 25 years, especially as I have become a follower of Christ and learned about the necessity and "fruit" of self-control as a marker of the faith. Because I have worked to learn self-control, I have people come to me with difficult situations or struggles knowing that I will not lash out or speak harshly, but will listen with silence and can offer solid, godly counsel (as I understand it at the time). In short, God has taken my raging inferno and has taught me to keep it as smoldering embers.

Sometimes, however, a gust of wind comes and re-ignites it into a small flame, but one that is easily tamped out. As a pastor, I have had numerous people tell me, I believe incorrectly, that I have no business expressing my emotions, but am to care for the sheep and to meet their needs and am really, to reflect kind of an anchor in their storm. Those aren't the words that were used, but it is the sentiment that has been expressed. Repeatedly.

Let me be honest. My bride was reared by an abusive man and a manipulative woman. Upon the birth of our son, they arrived and spent several days with us before her father returned home to care for some business and left my mother-in-law for a few days alone with us. Over the course of that time, my bride and her mother settled back into their historical pattern of negative talk, her mother berating her father's shortcomings peppered the conversations.

As a result, my bride has again taken up that attitude, as we are all wont to do when immersed in an environment for an extended time period. Because of our family's extended stay, we did not get any time together just the four of us (my bride and I, and our two children) to spend time alone together before I returned to work and our daughter to school. This has sent my bride into a depression that is partially post-partum, but is also an occasional occurrence on its own.

So over the course of the last two weeks, my bride has belittled me, questioned my love for our son, my competence as husband, father, and working man, questioned my priorities because I go to work each day, and has made numerous manipulative comments and loaded questions. Her modus operandi is to (and not just recently, but historically) is to push for a reaction, and then when she gets one, she uses it to either berate herself using my words as fodder, or to turn our individual struggles and pains into a competition, essentially making sure that I know how much worse she has it than me.

Her greatest consistent complaint is that she always shares more than me. But what happens when I share my feelings? She makes statements that question my masculinity and my integrity. For instance, I came home early from a workout and told her why: I was running on a treadmill and on the eliptical machine right in front of me, this woman got on and she was very attractive, and had tattoos that attracted my attention, and was dressed to, as well. I tried not to look for about 10 minutes, but for my own benefit, I cut my run short and left. Did I get a "Thank you for thinking of me and leaving," or "I know that was hard for you and I appreciate you making that choice?" No. I was called a pervert for even noticing her and my loyalty to my bride was again called into question.

That is just ONE example. But last night was difficult because there was so much I wanted to say as she pushed me for it. Another thing she does is questions EVERY decision I make, my competence, my commitment, my priorities, etc. etc. And she waits until she's upset to push me to make a decision about something, knowing it's going to be one she doesn't agree with. So she gets mad if I hold my tongue so I don't say something out of anger, and she gets mad or offended if I answer honestly. Then she turns it into an opportunity to cry about her own failure to be a good wife or mother, or whatever.

So there it is. I love my wife dearly, as I hope you have gathered from my numerous posts, but this is an area that I have yet to figure out how to respond appropriately. I know what you will say, "Groom you need to be honest with her and communicate." And I try that. Do I just go cold and when she gets upset, say, "Well, you asked for it; there it is," or do I continue to weigh my words as I have been doing for so long, and only respond with words of comfort? Obviously that's not working, but I'm also trying to be very sensitive to both our pasts. And, yes I have called her out on her manipulation on a few occasions, and last night we talked about it again.

Learning to Daddy

2011-01-04T10:19:00.002-05:00

In my last post you read about the need for my bride's labor to progress. Well, progress it did, and now we have a son. Before I get into the topic of this post, let me share a little about the labor and delivery.

First, we were in the hospital on two separate occasions with contractions, expecting a baby, but were sent home after a few hours. My father and stepmother came up for the weekend since they would not be able to come up for Christmas as my father was beginning radiation treatments for prostate cancer (prayers are appreciated), and we were all hoping they would meet their new grandson, but it was not to be. We will be visiting in a few weeks so they can meet each other. At a regular appointment they told us that if we wanted them to induce at 39 weeks, they would do that as everything was going well, but DW was in constant pain and progressing in labor. We agreed and the date was set, just a few days before Christmas.

My parents had returned home, but my mother and the in-laws came up for the delivery. We arrived at the hospital in the early morning and had arranged for the family and our little girl to wait for a call so they wouldn't be sitting in the waiting room all day. Good thing because our little boy wasn't born until nearly 12 hours later. His sister was the first one in, all alone, so she could meet him and find out his name. She's a great sister and loves him dearly. She's very helpful. In just a few minutes I invited the rest of the family in after the doctors had cared for mother and baby, and they were excited as well.

The delivery was a surprise to both of us because the doctor would come in every few hours and just check on my bride's dilation and effacement, and look at her contraction monitor. In the evening she came back to do the same thing and when she put her hand down there she made the usual comments, then said, "Just give me a little push." We thought she just wanted to feel something. "One more."

"Again." At this point, my bride and I looked at each other and realized she was going to have a baby in a few minutes. The doctor and nurse nonchalantly made preparations, the doctor asking for some olive oil and the nurse removing the bottom half of the hospital bed. I was on one side of my wife holding her foot and the nurse was on the other holding her other foot and so the delivery began. It was rather uneventful for a delivery. I was more aware with this one than I was with our daughter's. With hers it was sudden and surreal. With this one we kind of...faded?...into it. I was involved in supporting my bride when they gave her the epidural, then when she felt every spasm, then again a few hours later when they redid the epidural because the first one had pulled out. I'm a runner and was wearing one of my race shirts and the second anesthesiologist (who did the replacement) asked me if I had run it this year, too, which I had not. She said she had run it but didn't like the new tech shirts. So while she's sticking a needle into my wife's spine, we're talking race fashion, which actually put everyone at ease (it's amazing the commonalities God aligns in stressful situations).

Back to the delivery, about an hour after the replacement epidural, and my baby mama was feeling much better. I'm on her left holding her foot, and watching the delivery. The nurse is on her right, near the sink and the towel cabinet. "How are you feeling?" the nurse asked her. "I think I'm going to throw up," she said. The nurse turned to grab a kidney bowl, but by the time she turned back around, my wife's chin, gown, and pillow were soaked. The nurse consoled her and rested the bowl on her left shoulder, the dry one, so it would catch the sequel. Weeeeeellllll, it didn't.

She projectiled.

Onto me.

My face.

I tasted it.

As soon as it happened, I turned away, still keeping my cool, holding her foot, spit a little, wiped my mouth on my shoulder, and looked up at the doctor, who looked at me with a look of pity and "Huh, I've never seen that before." Silently, she returned her attention to my wife's vagina and the head that was protruding from it. It was not until I requested a washcloth that my bride realized she had sprayed me, and she apologized, embarrassed. Soon enough our son was born, they cleaned him up, weighed him, and rested him in his mother's arms. Meanwhile, she had her feet in stirrups and the doctor was sewing her up. When I looked over from my corner of the room, there she was, oblivious to her wound, to the, in my estimation, excessive blood coating her thighs, pelvis, and the bag and floor beneath her, the umbilical cord still attached inside somewhere. And she was asking about the baby. "How is he?"

And so the parenting began again, starting fresh. Here I am learning to daddy all over again. Now when I get up in the middle of the night it is no longer only to attend to my own bladder. My schedule is not run only by my own stomach and work commitments, but now involves the cries of a complete dependent. My son is strong, though. And bright, we can already tell. It appears that he is mild-mannered, but when he has something to say, he is not timid. That's how his sister was and is.

But now I have to learn to do father-son stuff. My responsibilities to him, while in many ways the same, are in many ways different. What I am to teach him comes from a place of teaching him to be a man. A godly man. A hero, a leader, an authority. But first I have to teach him how to submit. And I'm starting from scratch. I know God has blessed me with a son, and He has therefore entrusted him to me. And I have to believe I am equal to the task. Maybe one day he'll read this blog and will learn from The Groom the mix of struggles and joys in being one, and will look forward to the privilege of leading a family of his own.

Gotta Love the Doctors!

2010-12-15T12:02:00.002-05:00

As my bride's pregnancy has progressed, we have been on a unique journey along the way. We had just given most of the usable baby stuff to friends who had or were having babies, when we found out my bride was pregnant. Working through the emotions of that was tough for both of us, but the Lord has been so good to us (God is good! All the time!) and has taken care of us in every way.

At our last home a few states away, my bride had good OBGYNs. Great ones, actually. Not only were they skilled, but they were also compassionate. We learned that through the miscarriages, but we also learned it through the first miscarriage in our new home. We compared, or shall I say contrasted, the two practices and the latter was found wanting. We found our current OBGYN because they specialize in high-risk pregnancies. Since we have started going there, we have been very pleased. At the same time they take their jobs very seriously, and are very skilled, they also appear to try developing a relationship with each patient. While my dear bride never looks forward to being poked and prodded at the doctor, she is more okay with it at this practice because of the way she is treated.

I have to say that my endocrinologist (the one who works with my low testosterone) is much the same way, but this post isn't about that, now, is it? No. It isn't.

It's about my bride's doctors and how that affects us. In our 15 1/2 years married, I have never missed an appointment of hers or of our daughter's (I don't expect this of most men; my job allows for it and understand most don't). It's who I am, it's what I do. What she hears, I hear. I'm aware of what they do, and if I have questions I ask them. And yes, I do interject some humor into the appointments if appropriate.

What do I like best, though? Their prescriptions. Sure, giving my wife shots every day is fun and all, but they give more...homeopathic...remedies. Natural. Semen.

Wait....what?

That's right. Semen. I said it. Don't worry, it doesn't have to be taken orally (unless that's what you're into) HA! Sorry, no offense. Anyways, they prescribe sex. As we are approaching the final days of pregnancy and as the mother of my unborn son is showing signs of labor, the doctors are telling her to move things along. On three different occasions, three different doctors/assistants (in our state the assistants are heavily involved in care and can do everything except deliver) have told her to go home and have sex.

I only wish she would involve me.

But they have. In fact, sex in late-stage pregnancy does several things. The stimulation causes contractions, the semen ripens the cervix, and the penetration aggravates the baby. Okay I made that last part up. At least our son seems a tad peeved when dad rings the doorbell as he's trying to sleep. And my little boy has no trouble speaking his mind. In fact, we just got late-term ultrasounds, the 3D kind, and he just looks irritated: furrowed brow, puckered lips; if he knew to cross his arms to look irritated, he would.

But yesterday the doctor prescribed something even more specific: nipple stimulation. She said it would release oxytocin in the brain and that would stimulate contractions. Well, she played with my nipples for about a half hour and she never did have contractions. I think that doctor was a quack.

Actually, it worked a little bit. She had a few contractions, but not enough to progress into delivery. But they were doing their job: prepping her body for delivery. Good doctors are great to have, and these doctors have been very helpful. They have answered all our questions, had no problem stepping over our daughter doing her homework in the floor during appointments, and explaining what should be happening at each visit.

I know this may seem awkward to hear about, but I want to offer you a challenge. Would you make it a point to find out what is going on with your wife? What does/should her body do? When she goes to the doctor, ask for an update. If there's something you don't understand, drum up the courage to ask and prepare yourself for the answer. There may be a lot that seems weird and gross, but it really isn't. It's all in your perceptions. I know your wife may want to keep the mystery of her girly parts. But that's not necessary for you to get aroused in times of sex. I have been present for the birth of my daughter, will be for my son, have changed bandages, bought maxi-pads, cleaned up her vomit and worse, given shots, cleaned surgical wounds, and yes even performed enemas. But those things are surgical. They are care-giving. And I'll be honest with you: they don't translate into the bedroom in a way you may fear. Apples and oranges, my friend. Apples and oranges.

As you get older you and your wife will take care of each other in ways that are more embarrassing than you would like to admit, and you will be tempted to hire it out. If there is something that needs to be professionally done, fine, go ahead and do that. But take care of your wife without shame or insult. Your wife may be turned on by watching you play sports or swing an ax to fell a tree. But she will never feel more unconditionally loved than when you clean her wounds after surgery. When she sees you do that with love, gentleness, and compassion, she will melt, and yet another barrier will be removed from your marriage. Break down those walls, groom. Love as promised.

Crazy busy

2010-11-08T18:54:00.003-05:00

It's amazing how quickly time flies. This blog is evidence of the busy-ness of my life, which I'm sure is not unlike your own. My life is not likely more busy than yours, so I'm sure you understand what I'm talking about when I talk about how quickly time goes by.

So what has been keeping you busy? Has anything been keeping you too busy? In recent weeks, my ministry demands have been driving my schedule, but on top of that, my bride has had some emergency dental work that has needed to be done on top of preparing for the baby, working on school work, cleaning up my yard from trees knocked over by storms, and just general housekeeping. In addition, I can't neglect my little girl with her school work and karate.

This time of year is insane for most of us. The holidays can be overwhelming with so many events and expectations. Quite frankly, any little thing can throw us off and any little kink in our schedules may throw us into a fit of panic as it is "just one more thing."

I want to remind you to focus on your priorities again. This week I'm at a conference and I was speaking with one of my friends, a running buddy and fellow pastor. I'll be honest. I've put some weight back on. I often forget my medicine, our groceries are again more for ease of preparation than for genuine health, I'm often too exhausted to motivate myself to work out or run, and when sitting on the same plateau for weight loss for nearly a year and half, it's hard to stay motivated and to continue on. My focus right now is on taking care of my bride, my little girl, and making preparations to bring a son into the family as well. When I talked to my friend, he said he was in a similar position and made a simple statement: "It's just not a high priority right now."

So there you go. Is this a time for you to rearrange, or at least to re-examine your priorities? Just a reminder. Make a list, and check it twice.

How do we fight fair?

2010-10-21T08:10:00.002-04:00

Last night was rough all the way around. Our schedules are loaded up and my bride had a rough day at school where she teaches. In addition it was my long day and I also got home a little later than I expected because something else snuck into the day, pushing other things back, that still needed to be done. As a result, when I got home, my bride had been fuming for several hours. And for good reason. Once again, they are tying their hands, removing resources and pushing up administrative process in which predictions need to be made about things that are impossible to predict. On top of that, she's pregnant and trying to help our 3rd grader study for a big test all week. Add to that the fact that the local paper talked about the salaries that the higher-ups were getting and the blown money that's flying out the window at the same time that teachers are feeling pinched and harassed, and she was ripe with fury.

And then I walked in.

FunnyAnimated.net - funniest gifs online

That was a mistake.

Not knowing what I was facing, I was blindsided. At first it was all about the above situation and all the crap that goes along with it. But after a while it became about all MY shortcomings. WHOA! Where did that come from? I don't know if she zoned in on my insecurities or what, but she had a sniper's aim and there were no wasted shots.

I have to be honest. It was pretty devastating. Usually I sit and listen because any time I try to respond, I am accused of making it about me. Well, last night she tried that again and I snapped back, "YOU made it about me!" I went on to express as clearly and calmly as I could, which wasn't very, that when I keep my mouth shut to listen I'm accused of not communicating, but when I express how I feel or what concerns me, I get attacked for making it about me.

Plain and simple, that's manipulation. I recognize it because my father used it all the time. There was no good answer, no possible response. Anything you said would lead into a trap.

"What will it be? Door number 1, 2, or 3?"
"Door number 3."
"Behind door number 3 we have....a pile of had grenades with pulled pins attached to the door. Now, let's see what you would have received behind the other two doors?"
*opens doors*
"It looks like you made a great choice because the other doors are exactly the same. Congrats!"

It's one thing to express yourself and your concerns, but it's another thing altogether to bait traps. If you're one of the guys who does that, KNOCK IT OFF!! Seriously, what gives?!

So how do we fight fair, then, gentlemen (and whatever ladies are reading)?

1. Stick to the issue. If the problem is a certain behavior, attitude, hobby, etc, make that the issue of the discussion. Don't bring in every kind of ammo you can think of to whittle her down. That's just vicious and does not express love AT ALL!

2. Try to work out a solution. If it's a problem that can be solved, make solving it the key point. Don't make it about doing things your way. Your spouse may have the best idea, even if it's not one you're used to, or if it wasn't yours.

3. Start slow. Don't blow up all of a sudden. If you have a problem with your wife, go and address it from a loving standpoint. Don't blindside her or bum rush her. She may not be aware of the issue, or she may be aware and ashamed/nervous/scared. If it works up to an explosive argument, take an opportunity to rein it back in so you can discuss it calmly and make progress.

4. Fix what you can. Not every stress is a solvable issue. Sometimes outside stresses come in and there's nothing you can do about it (rising utility costs, sudden home repairs, layoffs, etc.). If you can't fix it, let it go and accept it as part of life.

5. Determine to be on the same page and stand together. Don't let this stuff divide you.

6. Deny yourself the luxury of personal attacks, including attacks on her family and friends.

7. Take responsibility for your part and give the benefit of the doubt to your spouse. Just because you don't like what she had to say doesn't mean it's not true.

8. Talk about one thing at a time. Throwing a list of accusations and failures at your spouse will overwhelm her with feelings of despair and incompetence, rather than providing hope for solving the problem at hand.

9. Remember that it's not a competition about who's got it worse. Both of your jobs have their stresses, both of you feel inadequate at some things, both of you get exhausted, both of you misunderstand the other's schedule and responsibilities, and so on and so on. Don't degrade the other person's work simply because yours is hard. Theirs is, too, and has its own stresses.

10. Venture to offer the first apology and to freely accept whatever apology is offered as soon as it's offered. Forgiveness breeds more freedom in offering apologies.

So, there you go: 10 rules for fighting fair. Of course you're free to add more and these will need to be more specific based on various personal circumstances, but there they are just the same.

Check out these cool glasses

2010-10-07T13:16:00.003-04:00

In Dr. Emerson Eggerichs' book Love and Respect, Dr. Eggerichs discusses the different lenses through which men and women see things. He states that women see things through what he labels a pink lens and men see things through what he labels as a, you guessed it, blue lens. He attributes much of the struggle in the marital relationship to the different perspectives based on the two lenses. If both spouses see the same conversation through different lenses, they will respond to that converstaion (or what the other person said) in drastically different ways. In other words, what one person said may not be interpreted correctly, but will rather be interpreted through the lens of the hearer, not the speaker.

Rather than discussing the pros and cons of that thesis, I'd rather expand it from having pink or blue lenses in our glasses, to having a series of lenses stacked one upon the other. Kind of like the glasses from National Treasure. Those glasses were regular glasses, except for the fact that over each eye was an additional,hinged red lens and green lens. When specific a specific combination of the lenses was applied, certain other things were revealed (interpreted).

In relationships, those lenses are not only based on sex, but are also stacked onto temperament/personality, and experiences. We sometimes simplify the complexity of our communication with our spouses too much as a way to better understand it. As a result, we forget that so many other things shape us and shape others as well. When we speak to our wives we need to do so through several lenses, not just "Well, men are from Mars and women are from Venus."

I like this phrase better: "Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Get over it."

That's why two women can see things and respond to them in two totally different ways. Even though they both have the pink lens, they also have different lenses of temperament and experience. Is your bride afraid of you in any way? That's not a woman thing. It's an experience thing. That's why we have to take the things we read and hear and be cautious in applying them to our own relationships in it's original package. In reality, they all need to be customized, even if not completely re-tooled.

So look at your bride's glasses. And examine your own as well. When you speak or hear, and when you respond to what your wife says, be sure to flip open some of those lenses so you can see more clearly. Can you look past the hurtful words or unfounded allegations? Can you recognize that she's coming from a rough day and not anger at you? Can you tell if you really did do something to displease or dishonor her and stop making excuses?

Flip the lens.

Game On!

2010-09-24T14:17:00.002-04:00

I don't know if you ever played in the street as a child. I don't mean just playing in the street, but I mean the street being the only place that was big enough and flat enough to play team games in. As I was growing up I played countless hours of football in the street. Depending on where you lived, maybe it was baseball, kickball, stickball, or hockey. But no matter what game you played, there was always a warning that let everyone know when there was a game being played or when everyone had to move for an approaching car.

I remember being in college and watching "Wayne's World", a movie that was based on Wayne and Garth's basement cable-access show created for a Saturday Night Live skit series. At one point in the movie, Wayne and Garth were playing street hockey while they discussed some serious decisions they had to make. Peppered throughout their conversation, one of them would yell, "CAR!" and after moving the hockey goal to the side, they would watch a car pass, and yell, "GAME ON!"

In our marriages, there are times when we need to yell "Time out!" or "Car!" and shift our focus onto outside things. For instance, when there is a family tragedy such as a death or diagnosis, our focus is temporarily on how to solve those problems. What kind of treatment needs to be done? How do we need to handle this? Where do I go to find a new job? How are we going to pay for this? And so on.

I know what you're thinking, fellow groom. And you're right. Focusing on other things for a short time doesn't mean I am neglecting my marriage. It is actually to preserve my marriage or family and to take care of my responsibilities. That's right. On the other side, however, how many of us spend our whole lives focusing on those other things, using that same excuse of taking care of my family?

Do you need to work? Yes. Do you need to feed your family? Yes. Do you need to take care of your home? Yes.

Do you need to work 16 hours a day? No. Do you need to go into the office every weekend? No. And we also don't need to spend our entire lives focusing on our children's desires and needs. Just like other areas of life, it is important to focus on your bride, AND on your overall relationship with her. Naturally, that includes sex. Good sex. Sex that you're committed to becoming good at. After all, practice makes perfect. Know what I'm sayin'? Heh heh heh...

But just basically loving her is important, too. Remembering things that are important to her can go a long way. Choosing a meal or restaurant that she likes, getting flowers for no reason (or whatever she likes: a scented candle, shoes, etc.) just because you know she likes it. And of course, listening.

So when things come up out of the blue, it's totally cool to yell, "CAR!", but don't neglect the follow up call, "GAME ON!"

Comfort, Challenge, and Compromise

2010-09-07T09:01:00.008-04:00

Labor Day weekend has been probably one of the most productive weekends in a long time, as far as family goes. We registered for some baby stuff, found an accent chair for our living room (the conclusion of a 3-year search), finally returned a garbage disposal and replaced it with a series of banister posts I've been needing to replace for a long time, and helped my little girl learn to ride without training wheels.

One thing we failed to do, though not for lack of trying, is to find nursery furniture. Our budget doesn't allow for the sets we really like, but our tastes are simple enough that we've found some more that we'll be happy with nonetheless.

So, all these things have come to a head this weekend, but without fights. In fact, it has reminded me of some of the very things of which I've needed to be reminded.

Comfort: in the midst of a series of struggles and discouragements of my own, I've had to comfort my bride and daughter for the past few weeks. My daughter has had some issues with dysomnia (sleep difficulties), as well as struggling with not being the only child anymore. Therefore, her mother and I have had to take extra precautions in reassuring her that we were not going to be sharing our love for her with her brother, and we've made it a point to do some of the things she likes. She's also been going through some hormonal adjustments and has been emotionally sensitive. In some ways she's reverting back to her desires from when she was younger, but in others she's trying to grow up and act mature. All of this has taken effort to comfort her. Last night as she was learning to ride her bike without training wheels, there were plenty of times for comfort, but there was also the need for...

Challenge: As much as my daughter cried about wanting to quit and try later, and as much as she complained about how hard it was, SHE had been the one to ask if I could teach her to ride her bike. Several times over the course of an hour we would stand in the middle of our street debating. She said she didn't want to ride until she knew how, and I told her she had to do this to learn to ride. As we did loops down to the cul-de-sac, I would hold her upper arm and eventually my grip became looser until I was barely touching her. My greatest joy came when she said, "Let go." I ran alongside her so she knew I was there and could hold her at any moment, and I did. Once, however, she ran off into the gutter and crashed in the grass. As she got up crying, I didn't go to her. I stood a few feet away and asked what happened. I was tempted to help her up and let her rest, but I knew if I did that, she would give up. Again. After a minute I told her to pick up her bike and bring it to me, at our starting point. My bride was sitting in the driveway watching us and I was so proud to see her remain silent. And so my little girl tried again and again. When it was almost time to go in, we rode (I ran) to the cul-de-sac and as she was turning around, her low pedal hit the ground and she fell again, scraping her elbow lightly. I told her this was her chance to show everyone that she could ride her bike. She whined, inspected her elbow and hands, and got back on the bike. Again she said, "Let go."

Compromise: The weekend was loaded with compromises. Friday I was off work, but tired and knew there were things that needed to be done, so I did some of them, and my daughter did some of her part, but I allowed for the long weekend and we held off on some until Saturday and Sunday. Also, I cut one of my workouts short to take care of my daughter, helping my bride out, cut part of the yard, bought some of my necessary tools for a job, and got some of my work done. But we spent time together. That's what we needed more than anything: one last time together before school started.

Each of our lives, fellow groom, is going to be filled with opportunity for comfort, challenge, and compromise. The key is using them in the proper proportions at the appropriate time. If I had only offered comfort to my daughter when she fell from her bike, another year would pass without her knowing how to ride. If had offered myself comfort on my virgin voyage of replacing a series of banister rails, I would talk myself out of it again. That's a challenge I need to face. If I hadn't compromised on my workout or tool purchases or nursery registry, my wife would easily be able to hold my selfishness against me. I just heard of a few friends running a race this weekend that I decided not to run, as much as I wanted to. And I've canceled two other races before the season ends next month. I've only run 1 tri, a half-marathon, and a 5k this year. Pathetic. But it's what has to be done right now, and it's helping my bride have more confidence in my love for her. It makes it easier for me to tell her what I'd like to do, and for her to say yes.

Guys, if we offer challenge when we need to offer comfort, we force division and mistrust. If we offer comfort when we need to offer challenge, we stunt growth and zap confidence and opportunity. If we don't compromise on issues where we can afford to compromise, we unjustly push others into a corner where they are forced to defend themselves. Let's weigh these out, gentlemen, and look at every event as an opportunity to appropriately offer comfort, challenge, or compromise, and to draw our families closer together.

The Problem with Flying Solo

2010-09-01T10:28:00.003-04:00

**NOTE: this blog post may be offensive as it covers some deeply personal issues for men and addresses a sexual dysfunction.

How much of your life do you spend alone? I'm not only talking about being physically alone, but more specifically, emotionally alone. Even if you are sitting side-by-side with your friends and even your wife and kids, are you really all alone? Are you lonely?

For me, the answer is most often, "yes". And it is a great flaw, and a tragedy. It's easy for those who are Christians to say, "But God is with me." And that's true; God promises never to leave us. In David's dark times he called out to the God he knows would hold him up. And then there was Job, an innocent man who called to God, yet God remained silent for a while. But that's not what I'm talking about here. What I'm talking about is our ability to really connect with others. Most of the time it isn't an inability so much as it is a lack of desire.

We are guarded; most of us for a reason. We have been beaten down, mocked, ridiculed, abused, taunted, or otherwise humiliated enough times that we have gradually but decisively built forts around ourselves. We protect our hearts with sturdy walls and towers that allow us to see a great distance to determine friend or foe. But it is not until they are standing at the shore of our moat and make gallant efforts to convince us of their loyalty, that we will decide whether or not we will lower the draw bridge.

And so we sit, lonely on our thrones with only the jesters in our heads to entertain us, amusing thoughts we can control, and the minstrels on our ipods to drown out the clamoring masses seeking an invitation to our hearts. But we know better. We've had friends leave us, girlfriends dump us, bosses fire us, the government rob us, and family neglect us. So alone we are protected with no one to betray us.

Or so we think.

This is where it gets personal. I only share this because this blog is anonymous (see? I can stay in my fort and fire arrows with notes over the walls of my fortress.) and I doubt we will ever meet.

I'm a lonely man, maybe just like you. People don't know that. They can't; I won't tell them. My job requires me to keep things to myself while carrying the burdens of others. I'm a pastor. People ask me how I'm doing and I can tell them "I'm fine" or I can share a little shallow struggle that lets them know why I'm tired this week or emotionally drained. But I dare not share my deepest places, even with close friends. As a wise pastor told his people, "If you knew very much about me, you would never allow me to be your pastor." Healthy? No. But true. There are thinks I think and feel and wrestle with, that I must keep to myself lest I lose my job and/or shake the faith of the people I serve. Do I surrender to my struggles? Usually no, but on occasion I waver. I am by no means perfect, but my struggles aren't as great as those of others. However, they are more than church leadership is comfortable with. I should know better, they would say, and I do.

And so, like most men, I walk alone. Desperado. Lone Wolf McQuade. El Mariachi. Rambo. Take your pick for your image of the solo man. But not the Lone Ranger. Even he had Tonto.

I've mentioned that I do triathlons (I only did one this year because several things made me drop 2 from my schedule). Triathlon is a solo sport. You can't block someone's progress, touch anyone, or even draft of someone else on the bike. It's you v. the clock. But do you know how they tell you to train? With a partner. But I don't. I have to fly solo on that one, too. And it affects my performance. I have no one to push me, no one to compete against, no one to hold me to a training schedule. And it limits me. Even my nutrition is a solo sport, so I have plateaued on my weight loss as a result.

And here's the kicker, the core of masculinity: sex. No, it's not a solo sport for me, but thanks for asking. I DO have a partner there. But my struggle is lonely. Here's the personal part (DANGER, WILL ROBINSON! DANGER, DANGER!!): IF I can achieve a solid erection, and IF I can maintain it enough for a significant sexual encounter, my orgasm percentage is down to about 20-25%. In other words, I will have an orgasm once out of every 4-5 sexual encounters. Sometimes I can't get it up at all, but when I do, I'm crossing my fingers that I can finish it out.

But the odds are that I won't. My wife knows this, and I have to convince her that it isn't her fault. So I take the pressure of apologizing to her, convincing her that it isn't her fault, and bearing the guilt of what should be so easy that even a dog can do it, but I can't. I know some of it is performance anxiety, and it's getting worse. And so I'm searching for solutions. Alone.

Who can I tell? My doctor knows a little as he is trying to help me balance out my testosterone. But who else? Not a co-worker (the other pastors), and certainly not a church member! Could you see that written on the prayer sheet being passed around Sunday school?

So it's one more thing: one more brick in the wall of my fortress (label facing in, of course) to isolate me from other men. Tell me I'm not alone in this thinking. I'm not alone, right?

Right?

So what?

2010-07-30T21:44:00.005-04:00

We don't get out much. What I mean is that we don't take many vacations. This year we haven't taken one. Last summer we went back home to see our parents. Each of the two previous years we went to Walt Disney World. Nothing the year before that and seven years ago we went to DC, Philly and NYC. My brother lives in NYC and my mom offered to take all of us up there and to stop on the way for a few days in DC and Philadelphia. If she hadn't paid and offered, we couldn't have gone.

So that's our pattern. I get 3 weeks of vacation a year and I sometimes use one. Our favorite so far has been our trips to Disney. We went with friends both years and we got the tickets/hotel/dining plan, which made things very easy for us. Our little girl got to see her friends from our previous home, she got autographs and pictures with tons of characters, and quite frankly it really was just "magical" all the way around. It's truly the only vacation I've ever been on where I was sad to see it end and to drive back home.

My next favorite was our trip to DC. I had fun in New York because I hadn't been since I was a kid, we got to see some cool stuff, and I got to see my brother. Philly was nice, too, but I really enjoyed the Capitol. It was my first time seeing the WWII memorial, watching the Changing of the Guard at Arlington, and actually being old enough to enjoy reading the plaques at the various memorials. And of course I liked being back at the Air and Space Museum.

See, we lived close to DC when I was in 2nd-5th grades and my parents worked downtown. On off-days from school we would sometimes go with them to work, then spend the day wandering around the historic area. DC is full of free stuff. The four of us would walk around (under my sister's watchful eye) and see all our favorites. It truly is a place you can visit over and over again and never catch it all. It's always updated, especially the Smithsonian, and there's always something new.

Why the long story? Pay attention.

A few days ago my bride, little girl and I were going somewhere and while we were in the car, our past vacations came up in conversation. Then my bride muttered to me that her mother has always wanted to go to Washington DC (which I knew). This year marks their 40th anniversary and she suggested it to my father-in-law. His response: "I've already been there." What a horse's rear end. He also threw up some excuses about their business and not being able to take time away from it. Their business? They sell stuff on ebay. I'm not saying they don't work hard at it and take it seriously. What I AM saying, however, is that their customers will understand if there is a note saying "We will be gone for 10 days. If you win a bid or place an order between these dates, your order will be shipped upon our return." Done.

But this is a pattern. If you think I'm the only one peeved about it, you're off. My bride rolls her eyes about it more than I do. Long story short, it's just selfish. SHE has never been and wants to go. They can afford it (she's the more money-conscious one, so she wouldn't suggest it otherwise), so what's the hold-up. In addition, our current residence is a good overnight spot (or a few days) between their home and the Nations's Capitol. If nothing else, it could be, "Hey, let's go see our family and while we're out that way we can drive a little further to DC." Great idea? I think so.

So here's the question for us, fellow grooms: "So what?"

"So what if that's not my favorite restaurant?"

"So what if it's a chick flick?"

"So what if we've already been there?"

"So what if that's not MY favorite sex act?

"So what if... (insert action/object/place/idea here)?"

This is what it means to be a servant, gentlemen. Our wives typically appreciate us doing things that aren't specifically our favorites JUST BECAUSE they make our wives happy. So what that the flowers will be dead in a week? So what that we can't have chocolate and that she'll only eat her three favorite pieces? So what that I don't know the people she went to school with and wants to meet for dinner?

How many things has your bride done for you REGARDLESS of how she truly felt about it? Do you think she's ever eaten where you want? How many "man movies" has she seen with you? Has she ever worked in the yard so you don't have to mess with it after work or on a weekend? Is there anything you've requested in bed, that she does ONLY because it turns you on?

It's time to pull our heads out of our butts and to start serving our wives and children. Look yourself in the eye and ask yourself if you're making these small sacrifices. At least be honest with yourself if you won't be with your bride. And the next time your wife suggests something that you don't care for, tell yourself, "I'm not a big fan, but so what?" When you tell your wife yes, the only thing she will hear is, "I love you."

The Process of Elimination

2010-07-13T13:52:00.003-04:00

It's been an interesting couple of weeks since I posted last, some of it good, some potentially good, but hard to swallow right now. Our lives, as you are well aware, are like the tides, which ebb and flow, and right now I'm hanging out at low tide. In other words, I've got too many fish for my current water level.

When I was in Boy Scouts we went to the Florida Keys and we camped on one of the lesser known keys. Our camp site was pretty remote, but it was also right on the water. When the tide was in, the water was all the way up to the edge of the grass and pines. When it was out, it exposed rough stone that was very porous. I believe it was actually coral, but I don't honestly recall. What was interesting was that when the tide receded and exposed the coral shelf, we would walk out on it and see what seemed like hundreds of jelly fish (now called sea jellies, as they are not true fish) stranded on the rock. These gusy were just floating along minding their own business when the tide ebbed as it always does, and they were stuck on the rocks and there was nothing they could do about it.

In much the same way, I have been doing my thing and all of a sudden the tide starts to ebb. It was unseen and unexpected and as a result, i kind of got stuck. Fortunately I am not inert and was able to act. But the decisions were hard. Everything lined up in the perfect storm, so to speak, and forced me to make some decisions. So I did. I had to withdraw from school for the semester and reduce my course load for the fall semester. In addition, I've had to re-evaluate my schedule for finishing school.

In addition I have decided not to run in one of the races I had planned for the fall. My training hasn't been adequate, so I could easily try to suck it up and show up at the race, knowing I am ill-prepared and that has potential for danger, but also for humiliation and breaking my confidence for future events. So I had to put things in perspective. I can't drop things like my marriage and family. I can't make my wife unpregnant. I can't hope my home repairs itself so I can take these classes, and I can't do less at work to get through this semester and train for a race I will lose regardless.

And so I've ordered my priorities by process of elimination. Let's face it, I can do without the race and I can drag school out a little longer and in the long run it won't make a big difference. But will my bride say again, "I went through this event alone" or "you were so involved in...."? I don't think so. Not this time. In fact, I was surprised at her response. At the same time she was happy that I would do that for her, and relieved that a burden was lifted for me, she was also notably sad FOR me, knowing that my own dreams and goals were being delayed. She didn't get excited because I think for the first time she really felt the tension of my decision and the legitimacy of my sacrifice. What she actually offered in response was the freedom to do some smaller races to make up for the big one.

Here's the thing, gentlemen: we all have our goals and dreams and we all have things we enjoy and feel we have the "right" to do. But we have to look long-term. If you miss your weekly round of golf or weekend hunt with the guys because your wife needs you (or even just WANTS you) around, is that really a big deal? Look at it this way: will it make a greater long-term impact on your marriage or on your golfing buddies? Will your wife soften at your choice, or bristle? Will she expect you to leave her for the day a-gain, or will she feel honored that you canceled your plans for her. Imagine her surprise when you slip out of bed at 6:30 to leave for your tee time, but you return at 7 with breakfast in your hands, get undressed and settle into bed with her again to eat together. Do you think her tone will be biting and sarcastic, or will she soften?

It's time to start the process of elimination. You don't have to completely eradicate hobbies, goals, dreams, time away with the guys, your leagues and teams. You don't have to do away with all the things you love. Just put them in their proper place. Behind your bride.

Trying Not to Suck

2010-06-29T08:34:00.002-04:00

I'm a busy guy. We all are, I'm sure. Things come up and some things have to be put off until later. But what we put off needs to be something that can afford to be put off. Sometimes I make the mistake of putting off the wrong things. It's an ongoing personal struggle with me and one of which I need to gain control.

Our men's prayer breakfast meets monthly and for the last couple of months we have started going through the video/study series "Wild at Heart" by John Eldridge. I'll be honest with you. I'm not much of a man. Or so I've been told enough times that I began to believe it. I can't build things with any stability or beauty, I'm not especially adept at repairs, I don't hunt or fish or do manly things like that. I have a small frame with skinny wrists and it's very difficult for me to pack on any muscle, and then only very little, which is easily lost. I could go on, but I won't. Long story short, all these things have compiled to make me realize, or at least believe, that I'm not what a real man should be.

So, we're watching this video series (I'd read the book years ago, but I think I'll read it again), and each video is John with a group of men from his church and they are in the rocky crags and crystal streams of Colorado. They will spend some time talking in the cabin, then will go and do their activity for the day: rappelling, fly fishing, etc. which John will use to make a point. And I realized something about the make-up of John's cadre: they are varied and each man has his own struggle with masculinity. The former college athlete, the successful businessman, the gentle heart, the strong and silent, etc. In the end, what it comes down to, is that God creates each man with a sense of masculinity that drives him to fulfill God's purpose for him.

My dad made some comments as I grew up, that emasculated me. So did kids in school, girls I liked, etc. My marked failures in athletics, academics, etc, all my attempts at success in manliness, continued to add to the withering of my masculine heart.

When I got out of college, I met a girl. Eventually this girl became my wife. Don't ask me what she was thinking because I still can't figure it out. I know that there are other guys who wanted her, but for whatever reason, she wanted me. Go figure. Anyway, as our life has carried on, one of the things that I've come to see is that the very thing that drew her to me was, for lack of a better term, my "lack of manliness." Somehow she sees me as masculine and manly, but she's also grateful that I'm not driven by testosterone. You see, her father is a man's man. And as a result, he took little interest in daughters. He was kind of distanced. He provided for them financially, but unless they liked to fish, which my bride was able to do and kind of enjoyed, he didn't really know how to relate to his girls.

So now I understand why I'm not as manly as most. Do I still wish I had a manly frame? Yes. Do I wish I was more mechanically adept. Yes. Would I like to be more rugged and handsome. Absoutely. But I'm not. I'm me: average, mediocre, unimpressive. I don't stand out from the crowd in anything I do. I blend. But my bride likes that she has me. She knew going in that I would never be rich or famous or powerful. But she also hoped that I would enjoy our family. And I have.

She likes that I help around the house. She likes that I read to our daughter, and brush her hair, and paint her fingernails and toenails when she asks. My bride likes that I open the car door for her and hold doors and push the shopping carts and carry her bags, and yes, go shopping with her for clothes. She likes that I don't mind being her nurse after all her surgeries, changing pads and dressings, giving her shots, massaging her aches and pains. She likes that I bring her and my little girl dinner after school before I take our daughter to karate. She likes all the things that I do that her father didn't. It's not that her father doesn't love her. He was just taught to be a man differently than I was.

I've found that all the things I fret about regarding my failings at masculinity, are many of the same things that allow me to be a gentle husband and father, a compassionate pastor, and a sincere pray-er. People call me to act in benevolence and they come to me for counsel. My wife and daughter hear me apologize and my daughter, even at 8, still says I'm the best daddy in the world and asks me to play on the floor or to read to her or to help her in some way. And my wife smiles.

My bride asks me to go downstairs to get her laptop when she's lying in bed, and to rub her feet, and to go out and get some dinner because she's too tired or hurting to shop so our pantry is kind of bare. And she tells me she needs new clothes because she's confident I won't get mad, and she likes that I sit on the bed while she models everything she bought that day, knowing that I will remind her how beautiful she is. She likes that I don't use all my vacation time on hunting trips, but that my vacations are for all of us, so we go to Disney or camping or we take the occasional romantic weekend.

I guess God knows what he's doing after all. Let me never desire to change that, only to not suck at it.

This video is a great reminder of our purposes as husbands and fathers. Take a look.

That Certain Part of the Male Body

2010-06-17T11:31:00.002-04:00

As if we don't know what they're talking about!

We've all seen the ads. I've seen the chicks interviewing people on the streets who are talking about the product being sold. I wonder how people would respond if I got a camera and a microphone and asked if they had ever heard of a specific herpes medicine. I doubt I would get the same response as these chicks get from "people on the street." They hear: "Oh, yes! In fact, I use it!"

I would likely get a busted nose or knee to the groin.

Needless to say, I'm highly suspicious of these infomercials, and yet I have no illusions that I'm being told the truth. "Gee. Really, Groom? You think they're not being completely forthcoming about the product?"

I don't appreciate your tone, but to answer your question, yes. That's exactly what I think. Naturally they fail to tell you that your "gains" aren't permanent. They only last as long as you take their product. Which reminds me, if the product is so good, why do they insist that you use it in conjunction with a cream that is supposed to do the same thing? And how many cans of their drink do you need to consume before it has the desired effect? Do you really think anyone is going to be in the cafeteria at work eating a tuna casserole while having a can of "I Have a Teeny Weinie, But I'm Working On It" soda sitting on the table? I think not.

So how is this supposed to work? It's supposed to work by being a vasodilator. In other words, it expands the amount of blood your down there can hold, filling up the spongium to it's maximum amount. So you're a little longer and a little thicker and about as firm as you can get. And really, who doesn't want that? So, as long as you take the pills or drink the drink and use the cream, your "down there" will be "out there". But once you stop taking it, it will return to its usual, disappointing state. *sigh*

So who's idea is this anyway? Who says bigger is better?

From the mouths of pornstars (go ahead and say; I know you want to):

1. "One of the tricks of the industry is to use petite women so the guy looks bigger."

2. "A guy doesn't have to be big. We just want someone with confidence and some skill."

3. "Sometimes it just hurts, like I'm getting stabbed."

4. "You know what you don't see on film? The pile of rags in the corner that have lube, semen, and blood on them. Yeah, it's a glamorous job."

So, if you're not going to take it from some anonymous blogger who talks about sex and marriage and family from a conservative perspective, take it from chicks. Who sleep with lots of guys. All the time. Big ones.

I'll admit it: I'm jealous sometimes. Okay, most of the time. I've seen porn and I've envied the guys onscreen. And now that full frontal nudity is even happening in mainstream movies, sometimes a sausage will show up onscreen for no reason. One time recently we were watching something and all of a sudden there was some screen ween. This guy was huge. I called him "tripod." I apologized to my wife for my shortage, only half-joking. I wish I had a little more, I'll be honest. I worry about it sometimes.

My bride's response: "Boys and their thingies. That guy looks like it would hurt. I like yours. It's perfect as is." She wasn't blowing smoke. She's never had a negative thing to say about Mini Me, but at points in my past, there were locker room jokes, and then there was the porn, and now the pills. I'm not some impressive guy telling you to have confidence in what you've got while trying to decide down which leg I should tuck my member. I'm apparently pretty average, according to all the stats (you can look those up if you want).

A bride on one of the forums where I'm a member, had a good way of convincing her groom of how pleased she was with his size after he continued to mourn his inadequacy. Her method: to show him all the things she could do with what he had, that she wouldn't be able to if he were bigger.

So, fellow grooms, join me in striving to accept what we've got. Let us contend with the market to increase our nethers. Let us rejoice in the affirmations of our brides as they express their contentment with their playthings. I don't know where you are in this journey. Maybe you're a tripod and you have your own limitations, as some have expressed. Maybe you've come to a place of peace. Maybe you despise the minuteness of your willy. It's time to let it go. Move on.

What a Ride!

2010-06-02T09:56:00.002-04:00

For the last three weeks I have wanted to update this blog, but oddly enough, other things have continued to happen and I have been waiting for resolution before posting about it, but here I is.

I have posted previously about my bride's health issues and all the things that effects. Well, we have been dealing with health issues and potential health issues, which I will get to in a moment. The other thing is that we have been attending award dinners and receptions in her honor for a professional achievement she has received. As for me, I just finished a couple of classes at the same time all this was going on, and in fact, because I didn't know I could ask for an extension due to medical reasons, I notified my professor that I would not be completing a final paper, and failed the class. I don't fault the professor as she has granted me leniency on previous assignments. I only wish she would have notified me of the possibility of extension, though in her defense, I did not ask for one. In short, I failed the class. On the upside, when I retake the course, I can appeal the grade and have it completely wiped off to be replaced with my new grade that I earn the second time around.

So what was this grand medical emergency? What threw my life into such disarray that most of the rest of my life was shoved further down the list so that I could take care of this issue?

To quote Inigo Montoya, "Lemme 'splain. No, not enough time. Lemme sum up."

For several months, nearly a year, my bride has been "off" on her cycle. She is very regular typically. Seriously, she was a walking lunar calendar. The year could be perfectly tracked using only her uterus as a guide. But for the last year or so, her cycle has been off. She would have to guess at her ovulation and menstruation. Fortunately, she was able to avoid embarrassment at work this whole time. Her suspicion, and mine, too, was that she would be one who would deal with the early onset of menopause or perimenopause. She has enough health issues in that area that neither of us would be surprised.

So about a month ago, she was just not feeling well and was off, etc. A while ago we bought a 2-pack of pregnancy tests and used one. On a whim and just to alleviate the possibility, she used the other one early one morning, came back into the bedroom leaned on the bed and woke me up by saying, "I just used that other test, and it says I'm pregnant." She dropped her head on her arms and I put a pillow over my face, mapping out the next few weeks.

Before you rail against our reactions at the news of a little blessing, let me remind you (or maybe relate for the first time to you) what pregnancy historically means to us: miscarriages. At least four so far. I say "at least" because those are the only ones we've had confirmed, but we've had other suspicions of "spontaneous abortions". So we went to the doctor, then to the OBGYN immediately from there because my bride is considered high-risk pregnancy. Two days later we were at the office again getting an ultrasound.

Our ultrasound story usually goes like this:
1. The ultrasound tech looks around a little bit.
2. The ultrasound tech says, "Excuse me for a moment," and leaves the room.
3. The ultrasound tech returns in a moment with a doctor.
4. The doctor does another ultrasound and announces that we lost the baby.

Needless to say, not a big fan of the ultrasound. Fully expecting that same experience, we went in and my bride prepared for the ultrasound as I stood beside her, holding her hand. At this office, they have flat screen tv mounted on the wall at the patient's feet AND you can get a DVD of the ultrasounds to watch the progress. We opted not to get the DVD of our probably dead baby.

This is our ultrasound experience that day:
1. The ultrasound tech looked around and took measurements.
2. The ultrasound tech pushed another button.
3. The speakers came on and let us here a fast heartbeat.
4. We both jumped and then started crying a little bit (shut up. it was very emotional.)

Afterward, we went to Chick-Fil-A and sat in a booth, prayed, ate, and soon enough began laughing at the turn our lives were about to take. In the weeks that followed, she has undergone two more ultrasounds to check progress and I have been giving her shots of Lovenox (an anti-coagulant) in her stomach at bedtime. A couple of days ago we finally told our parents. Right now, my bride is at ten weeks and is showing pretty good. Monday we went shopping for maternity clothes. Our little girl doesn't know about it yet, but when school is out, we will tell her and let her be our mouthpiece. She has wanted to be a big sister for a long time.

I'm now happy to say that our excitement is building and that we really feel this one will be okay. My bride is showing all the signs of a healthy pregnancy: vomiting, exhaustion, constant hunger, etc. We're also starting to look at baby furniture and stuff. And a jogging stroller (sweet!). In the meantime, I'm trying to remember that 40 isn't too old to have a baby. Granted, my bride is in what is considered "advanced maternal age," but we hear good things from the doctors. And we have good doctors.

So grooms, I'll try my best to keep you posted as things progress. Anyone out there had kids later in life? Let me know what you've learned and how you've prepared yourself. I'll take whatever I can get: tips, tricks, even pointing at me and laughing. I'll take it all.

Cheese and Whine

2010-04-28T16:20:00.002-04:00

Last week, as one respondent, stated, I whined. It wasn't my intent, but upon looking back at it, I did. Truly. What a sissy.

I want to clear some things up for you, if that's all right.

First, my bride is awesome! She is brilliant and beautiful. She's a busy woman who is great at what she does and has finally been publicly recognized by her peers for her commitment and her work quality, having received an award just a few weeks ago. She makes me laugh, trusts me implicitly and is an enthusiastic lover most of the time we make love. On the times she isn't, she's generous but there is usually something going on to prevent her enthusiasm, but never her love. She is breaking free from the lies of he childhood and has begun to be the kind of wife she wants to be instead of the kind her mother told her she should be. That's a huge step. And she's a great mother.

Which brings me to the second thing: my little girl. Like her mother, she's brilliant and beautiful. She loves God as she understands Him and she asks me the hard questions, trusting that I have the answers. She's sensitive so she hurts when others hurt, and has no idea that people of different races could actually be considered different from herself. At the end of a prayer, she freely adds an amendment if there's someone that was forgotten, even if someone else said the prayer. She makes up ways to stall her bedtime just so she can be with her mommy and daddy. And she asks us to brush her hair after a bath even though we all know she can do it herself. Her greatest disappointment is thinking that she disappoints us, whether it be in school work or behavior. She asks permission for everything. This morning I told her to get a banana for breakfast. After a minute, she came back to me and asked if she could have an apple instead of a banana. Not a fruit roll-up, an apple. Yesterday I got her a hot dog from the local sandwich shop. This morning she asked if I could get her grilled cheese next time instead. "Sure," I said. Her reply. "Thank you. But if you forget and get a hot dog, that's okay, too."

God has brought us to this new church for a new time. My previous church eventually caused us heartache and struggle and we began to be divided. God brought us here to re-learn ministry and to heal. It is here where we my daughter was baptized and where my bride and I re-kindled our romance. The work is harder because, well, the church is doing stuff. Ministry is taking place and people are coming to Christ.

I'm back in school. For free. Because of the school God called me to, I am able to attend with no cost but books and technology fees. I didn't know this going into it. In fact it was a school I didn't want to attend for stupid selfish reasons. But it was undeniable where I was supposed to while I was on campus for an event. And I'm glad I'm there.

We've received a tax refund every year but one in the 15 years we've been married. And that was because I worked for crooked men in two companies. But God still provided for our needs.

I've run triathlons and a half-marathon, something I never thought I would do. I'm not good at them, but I can do it, and my health has improved as a result of it. In addition, because of my new interest, my doctor found a few things that needed work, so I've been able to get some things fixed or balanced, that needed to be.

That's the short list. I wanted to balance out my last post and to apologize for my selfish bent on a singular issue. It really isn't a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but there it is. It's on the board and it will stay on the board. I wanted this post to be about some of the positive things in my life, the blessings I have been given. Again, it's the short list.

2010-04-23T13:16:00.002-04:00

The last several weeks have been extremely busy and tense for me, hence the lack of postings. It isn't that I haven't had anything to say, but it has been taking time to clear my mind, focus, and develop a post that makes sense. What has been weighing on me lately has been abstinence. And not necessarily in the good way.

This isn't about holding off sex before you get married. It's about not having sex when you have the freedom to do so. I believe I mentioned several months ago about my difficulty in finding a balance in expressing my desire for my bride and laying off because she is exhausted and/or hurting from her chronic pain. That's where we are again.

We went six weeks without sex because of a combination of our schedules, exhaustion, and illnesses, and committed ourselves to some lovin' during spring break a couple of weeks ago. Over the weekend we had a couple of good sessions of lovemaking, and then in the middle of the week we spent the day at the local zoo, our first time at that one. While we were there, we were flirtatious, even to the point of my bride copping a feel in the nocturnal animal house. Our conversation was peppered with sexual innuendo. When we got home we told our daughter to watch her movie because we needed alone time, and we took advantage of that time. Later that evening, we were involved again.

I miss that. It's been a couple of weeks again as illness and exhaustion has hit. Apologies abound and last night she asked if I was mad at her. My difficulty is in saying that I'm not mad, but I am frustrated. She even said, "You can always take care of yourself (giggle), but only when I'm around." Heck, if I could do it when she's around, why can't she just do it for me?

So my dilemma remains the same. How do I show sympathy for her and her feelings while expressing my own needs and desires for her. I spoon as we drift off to sleep and my hand wanders. She even moans and occasionally flinches before falling asleep. Last week I massaged her to sleep.

I want to make it clear that my bride loves me. And she desires me. When we make love, she's enthusiastic and passionate, responsive and aggressive. She says what she wants and asks me what I want. Again, this is my struggle. Knowing that she wants me, hearing her say she misses me, and then lying beside her as she sets the alarm and goes to sleep.

Grooms, help a brother out. How do you handle this kind of thing, and how does your bride respond?

Accepting or Supporting?

2010-03-10T17:07:00.003-05:00

Are we really that supportive? I mean really?

My daughter takes karate so I am at the YMCA with her twice a week. I go exercise while she takes her karate class and then I wait for her to finish or I try to get there around the time she's getting out of class. This leads to some good talks with church members whose children are also in the class. One woman has had a rough year. She has a history of health issues with one thing in particular, but when she went in for surgery, she was one of the 1/10th of a percent of people who have complications with the procedure. Of course that led to other surgeries. So she is updating me every couple of months about the newest discovery the doctors have made or about her recovery.

She is also a Facebook friend to both my wife and I. Her husband is in the military and was deployed for several months while she stayed home and worked the farm and took care of the kids. However, upon his return, my bride and I started to take notice of some things. First, we never saw him at any of the karate classes. No big deal. We also noticed no sign of affection between them at church. In itself, no big deal. The clincher came from two specific events.

The first one was that she posted about bailing and lifting hay in the cold and rain while her husband stayed inside and watched tv. Oops. The second one was noticed by my bride first and she's the one who pointed it out to me. When testing for belts in karate, everyone tests on the same day a few times a year and if you are ready to test, you test. If not, you don't have to go. Our daughter was ready to test and so was the son of this couple. After it was over and we were on our way home, my bride told me that she noticed ____'s dad wasn't there today. Just his mom. Again.

She was right. And then she said, "I'm glad you're not like that." I get that a lot from her. Her father was basically uninvolved in her life, although her parents were and are still married. My bride didn't do much because she wasn't allowed to do much, but what little she did, she did alone or was transported back and forth by her mom. So she's very sensitive to her husband and her child's father being involved. She's also very pleased that I spend so much time helping with her job, bringing dinner after school sometimes, volunteering to help her and our daughter on a regular basis, and generally being supportive.

So there's the rub, grooms. Are you accepting or supporting? What I mean is, do you accept the fact that your children are in clubs or on teams and make sure they get to practice because you paid for it and they need to learn commitment? Do you realize that your bride feels like she needs to work and enjoys her job? Are you okay with homeschooling and the housework getting done as she can get to it?

OR do you take your kids to practice, help out with practice, even if it's just helping at home? Do you sit down and help them with homework they don't quite get? Do you show up at every game if possible and actively cheer? Do you take pictures and videos? Do you make sure your bride has everything she needs for her job, including the appropriate wardrobe, without complaint? Do you help out around the house when you can just so it takes pressure off of her? Do you help with dinner and doing dishes and running errands, either together or so she doesn't have to?

Do you see the difference? Accepting says, "If that's what you want, I won't stand in your way." Supporting says, "If that's what you want, what can I do to help?"

In all honesty, we've all been accepting and called it supporting sometimes and we've all been supportive begrudgingly. I've been on both sides. Most of the time it seems that my bride accepts that I do things: train for races, do the triathlons, and go to school. Even meeting my job requirements. And it bothers me. But she's also under a great deal of stress and she was never shown bold support growing up, so it takes extra effort on her part to be outward and aggressively supportive. For her, accepting is supporting. To me, not so much.

So, gentleman, you may have never learned how to support fully, so you view your acceptance as full-on support, but let me challenge you there. If you roll your eyes at your bride's or child's request, if you find any excuse not to be there (the unbreakable commitments don't count), or if you are less than enthusiastic about helping your family meet their goals, you need to examine how supportive you really are. The difference between accepting and supporting can best be seen in the willingness and excitement of your family sharing their goals and accomplishments. If your child leaves an award in their backpack only to be discovered later, that's a pretty good sign that they've picked up that it won't mean much to you. If they are timid in asking to join a club, you've probably set the pattern that it will be an uphill climb and not worth the effort. If your bride keeps her workplace worries to herself, that's an indicator that you're obviously not interested.

So what will it be, groom? Accept or support?

Take Time to Make Time

2010-03-04T10:07:00.003-05:00

I'm so sorry it has been a while since my last post, but let me tell you what has been happening so you will see where I've been. In the past few months I have discovered some health issues, nothing serious, that I'm having to work out treatment for. At the same time my bride has been struggling through her teaching year, my daughter has signed up for karate, I've enrolled in graduate school, my job has required more time, and I'm still training for races. Triathlon season opens in a couple of weeks with a local sprint (short tri) and the weekend before that I'll be running my first half-marathon. I was going to run the full marathon, but the weather has prohibited me from getting my mileage up and the YMCA has put a 30-minute time limit on the treadmills with the "resolution crowd" bursting in for the first couple of months of the years. The crowd has thinned, but the time limit is still on the machines.

As you can see, I'm slammed with stuff I'm trying to get done, but my apologies all the same for neglecting this blog, something I had committed myself to do several months ago. I know some of you are faithful readers and are very encouraging in your responses, so I wanted to personally let you know why I haven't posted as much as I had been and should be.

And that really brings me to the theme of my post. This may seem repetitive and a little commonsensical, but we have to make time for what's important, for our commitments, don't we? And it's not always easy. For instance, this blog. I've committed myself to keeping you encouraged and challenged by regular updates of this blog, but I haven't done much with it lately. Believe me when I tell you that I visited the blog on 3 separate occasions to begin a post, but nothing fit, so I stopped and didn't post the draft or revise it. I never forgot about the blog, just neglected it.

The same holds true for other areas of my life. Things pop up and there's nothing we can do about it, but some things pop up that we can do something about, but we don't. For instance, my yard is a wreck. I have two dead trees that have fallen and they have been sitting there for months. At the same time all my power tools are dead. Seriously, every one of my lawn tools died in the same year so I've been using rakes instead of a leaf blower, and I'm edging my lawn with a spade. I loaned out my riding mower to a friend with a hurt leg and was using my push mower. Guess what died a couple of months ago. Yep. My push mower. On top of that, my available time and the weather have been completely opposite each other for the last several months. When I have the time to get out and do yard work, it's been snowing or a thunderstorm. And when the weather is nice enough to get out there, I'm booked for something else. I'm hoping for a break so I can get some work done, but I won't have one for another five weeks!

Our house is also kind of a mess, but we're working on that because it isn't dependent on the weather. However, we're also both overwhelmed with school, work, and taking care of our little girl. I'm out till about 8 or 9 (at least) five nights a week every week. And then I usually work on school work until midnight, then I'm up at 6 the next morning to start all over again. I know, you can probably relate.

"So, Groom, besides yard work and house work, what's missing in your life because of a time shortage?" I'm glad you asked, because I'm missing out on lots of things like sit-down dinner times and family devotions. Family devotions and Bible reading are hard enough to do anyway, but when we are on opposite schedules most of the time, it adds an extra dimension to the challenge. I've told my bride that I wanted us to read the Bible and pray together daily, but we've done it about 3-5 times since the beginning of this year. That's not nearly every day! What a louse.

Tomorrow I'm supposed to volunteer at my daughter's school (I've been on the schedule for months), but I have a huge paper due this weekend. Last night I said I wouldn't be able to do the dad thing, but this morning I recommitted myself that my failure to complete more of my paper before now is my own fault and not the school's, or my daughter's, or my wife's, and I would have to find those hours elsewhere instead of robbing them from the school and kids.

The simple truth is, fellow Groom, we have commitments to others that we need to fulfill whenever possible. Convenience and Covenant usually stand in opposition. If we have committed ourselves to others for any number of things, then we need to do what we can to fulfill those commitments. Take some time to make your necessary appointments do-able. Sacrifice the game or the race or guys' night out to do the undesirable projects that need doing so you can fulfill your commitments to your family. Here are some things we're trying to implement that may help:

1. Prepare and/or pre-portion most of your foods for the week on Sunday afternoon. Divide them into zip-lock bags and tupperware so you can grab it, nuke it, and eat it in just a few minutes, even at your desk if necessary.

2. Prioritize your to-do list. Last week I had to get the cars inspected, plan for a lesson, and attend my daughter's karate test. I didn't have to vacuum the living room or fix the garbage disposal, although both needed to be done. Some things have greater consequence than others.

3. Count time with family as an unbreakable appointment. If an emergency comes up, it comes up. These things happen. But last minute tickets to the Bulls game is not an emergency. Will your wife and kids remember that game or will they remember that you broke your promise of family movie night to hang out with your friends?

4. Take pressure off your wife and kids. Help them out with homework, housework, heavy lifting, and taking care of their pets so you can have time to relax together. There's nothing better than hearing your wife and kids say "Thank you," or "You're the best." Even if you don't think you are.

Let's re-adjust our schedules to make sure that our commitments to our families are fulfilled as much as possible. Even if we need time alone or with our friends, if we are generous with our time with the family, the family will have no trouble telling us to go enjoy ourselves on the golf course without them.

Pobody's Nerfect

2010-01-20T11:44:00.002-05:00

I'm not one to quote dumb signs, but this one made me laugh. It was on a changeable church sign down the road and this is all it said.

In the last year or so my memory has been shot and I've been making a lot of mistakes, missing a lot of things my bride has said to me or forgetting the things she's already told me. In all honesty I wasn't distracted and I wasn't ignoring her. I really would forget conversations we had. Fortunately I went to the doctor in August finally to get a referral to a dermatologist for some suspicious skin places. When I went, instead of giving me a referral, the doc just did a complete physical, my first since I was in college more than 20 years ago. As a result of this physical, I found out some things I needed meds for and some other things just to keep an eye on.

I'm glad I went after a year of nutrition monitoring and exercise or there's no telling what meds I would have been on. My family has all kinds of medical history that are hereditary that I should be dealing with, even at 40, but because of my diligence in the last year, much of that has been eliminated, or at least delayed.

But I discovered some things that could be the cause of some of my memory issues, as well as other things, and when I told my bride about it, she finally began to believe me. Soon enough, at the counsel of some friends, I asked for another blood test. When I told my bride about it, of course she had her doubts and accused me of "self-diagnosing" when in reality, that's what I was trying NOT to do, hence the tests. Long story short, I had the test done, asked for a referral to a specialist, and have since worked with him in diagnosing and treating the issue. Some of my numbers have balanced out and there are still some things that we're going to have to figure out, but we're working on it.

Here's the point: for a long time my bride was frustrated with me for ignoring or forgetting or not paying attention, etc. In reality, what has happened is that I'm not who I used to be, but it's not entirely my fault. I DO struggle with some things and there are things that I should do, that I don't feel like doing sometimes. And sometimes more stuff piles up than I can get to. And yes, sometimes I'm just lazy. But I pushed to find the solution to the problem and I'm glad I have, and so is my bride. What was once hard for her to believe now brings relief because it's true: my forgetfulness had an actual root cause that was not a personal attack on her.

What was most difficult for her, I think, was that she's never known me to be sick or seriously injured. I've never spent much time at the doctor. For years we've been to specialists and hospitals for her ailments and surgeries. I've taken care of her, cleaned and dressed her wounds, etc. Now in the past few months, I'M the one that's going to the doctor and having tests done. Maybe it scares her a little as we get older. At the same time this is going on, I'm physically the most fit I've probably ever been. I guess it just doesn't compute.

All that said, she's now relieved and excited that I have nothing seriously wrong, even though I will apparently have to be on meds for the rest of my life. It's just a minor inconvenience and if I miss a day, it's not a big deal

I said all that to say this: pobody's nerfect. The sooner we realize that as a rule, our wives aren't trying to hurt us, the better off we will be. Now, in all fairness, there are some husbands and wives who are manipulative, controlling, and abusive intentionally. These individuals are unhealthy and need to be addressed head-on. Some husbands and/or wives just don't know how to fight fair so they take cheap shots; some DO ignore or avoid each other because of any number of reasons, mostly discontent. But if a husband and wife are trying to love and honor each other, they can learn to fight fair and to discuss things openly. They can learn to take care of each other and to walk with each other through all of life's demands and rough circumstances. Sometimes one spouse will need more care, then later the other spouse will need it. It's nothing personal and it doesn't need to become selfish or vindictive.

Grooms, consider the imperfections of our wives and compare them to our own. What can we overlook? What can we get past? And what takes conscious and consistent effort to overcome? While we all know that "nobody's perfect", are we willing to accept that fact for our own families and to live accordingly?

Breaking Jesus

2010-01-12T13:17:00.003-05:00

Recently on a discussion forum, a friend of mine made an excellent post about her journey of faith and I thought it was an excellent post. With her permission, I've taken her phrase and will share with you an off-shoot of thought.

Her words:

I walked by our bookshelf tonight and my husbands childhood crucifix was laying on the bookshelf. I had accidentally knocked it off the wall a couple weeks ago and broke it and it had been laying on the bookshelf with glue setting ever since. And I looked at my bookshelf of journals and bible studies and books I've read over the years and how they represented the journey I have been on since that first day all those years ago that I broke who Jesus was in my life and let God come in and reshape that. It's like my bones had been broken and had to be reset properly. It was just as painful I can assure you. I held the LDS church dear, it was my familiar place, it was my work ethic, it represented my family and my community. But it had caused some of my bones to be set wrong and I never grew right. Once I went through that breaking and resetting I started to grow properly. And I kept growing. (Thanks, Robin!)

I've mentioned before that I'm an object lesson kind of guy and stuff like this is the stuff that God uses ALL the time to shape my thinking. I can rarely go any length of time without having some spiritual truth hit me through the simplest life lesson. In the case above, Robin refers back to her re-shaping of her understanding of God, Jesus, and her own identity. Earlier in her post she speaks of beginning her journey of freedom by opening the Bible with just a notebook and just reading and taking notes about what she understood or received. That shelf held all those memories of study time and journals and truth revealed. Seeing the broken Jesus next to her journals gave her the perfect image of her journey.

In Robin's case, she came from the Latter-Day Saints (the Mormons). But she's not the only one who needed to "break Jesus" and reset her understanding of Him. I've grown up Baptist my whole life and there are things about Jesus and God and my faith that I still wrestle with, even as a Baptist pastor. Truthfully, I struggle with breaking tradition from faith, the truth of Scripture from what I thought was truth from Scripture. It's something that I think we all struggle with, yet something that many (if not most) of us would rather not confront. Honestly, it's just easier not to.

Last night I went to a young woman's home with a couple of other church members, to thank her for visiting our church and to ask if she had any questions about us. From there we began to talk about her understanding of Jesus and what it meant to be a follower of Christ. She had all kinds of good answers, but even after the course of a lengthy conversation, it was clear to me that she didn't quite get what He did for her, for all of us, and how she should respond. As we were leaving, we expressed hope that we would see her again and that she would find the answers and understanding she needed.

Shouldn't that be the prayer of all of us, regardless of our belief system? Shouldn't we all pray, "God, the real God, fill in the blanks of my beliefs. Plug the holes of my misunderstanding. Show me Who You really are and what is truly required of me. I'm willing to drop my labels and just understand Who You are, to follow You."

Grooms, you may be wondering why I chose to post this here today. The simple truth is, it's my blog and I can put whatever I want on it. The second truth is that I felt this is what we all need to do: seek the real God, whether we have a deep understanding, no understanding at all, or some convoluted mixture of tradition and truth. It starts with us, gentlemen. If we are to lead our families, we first have to understand what God requires of us and then we can pass that on to our wives and children.

Ex Nihilo

2009-12-22T09:47:00.005-05:00

I'm an odd person. It's true. I'm terrible with math for whatever reason, yet I can remember a series of numbers without much of a problem. Not as much now as I used to, because my memory is shot (but I'm looking into it). But I used to be able to hold information. As my dad would say, "I've got a mind like a steel trap." Of course this would usually be amended with, "Once something's in there, it's never getting out."

Either way, my point is this: I can remember things like that. I'm also very visual which helps me to recall stuff. I'm terrible with names, but I always remember a face. I have been known to re-introduce myself to people whom I have met because I don't often remember where we've met. our town is small and sometimes I'll see someone on the street and later at church where I'll introduce myself. On more than one occasion I'll hear, "We've met before," which quickly brings an apology and a quick statement of my personal shortcomings.

Because I'm visual, however, I often associate people with their cars and I associate their cars with their license plates or stickers/magnets. My bride drives with her eyes forward. She has actually driven past me while I was running and didn't even notice it was me! For my part, I will see a car that looks like what a particular friend drives and will notice the license plate to see if it's them before looking in the window. It's all instinctual. There are several pale blue Toyota mini-vans, blue Ford pickup trucks, and white Toyota Landcruisers, so the license plate is a good identifying mark when I see one of those ubiquitous models.

Here's where I'm going with this (that was all back story): Every time I see a certain car model locally, I immediately look to the license plate to see if it's my friend. The license plate says, "Ex Nihilo." In case you're wondering, this means, "from nothing." My friend who drives this car is brilliant and has pushed very hard for a long time to build a base of understanding of her faith, called "apologetics". Her license plate is a statement of faith that God, Who has always been, created the universe from nothing (ex nihilo). It's a statement of the incredible power of God and of His matchless ability.

You may have heard the joke about the scientist who approached God and said, "Listen, God. Science has come a long way. We are at the point where we can create a person in a test tube using only raw DNA. So thanks for the help, but we'll take it from here."

"You don't need me?" God said. I created man from dirt. I'm still a step ahead of you. If you can create man from dirt, then I'll be impressed."

"Okay," said the scientist, "I'll take that challenge. We'll both try to create a living person from dirt. If we can do it, then we'll both know that we don't need God anymore."

"Fair enough," says God. "Let's get started." At that the scientist reaches down into the dirt and starts shaping it.

"What are you doing?" asks God.

"I'm making a man."

"No, no, no. You go get your own dirt."

The point of the joke is that God created everything without any help from any available resources. This woman's license plate said that clearly. Unfortunately after about 20 years of marriage, she had enough and left her husband. Obviously I don't know the whole story and I won't place blame. I can see fault on both sides. What I do know, however, is that she has no interest in the things of God. She says she knows what she needs to do, but she doesn't want to do it.

At the same time all of this is going on, some of my other friends who have had a rocky marriage from the start nearly 15 years ago, are recently and for the first time, openly displaying affection. What happened was that the wife finally backed her husband into a corner and said that their current marriage was unacceptable, they had issues they needed to address, and walking away from a fight was no longer an option. He had been wanting to address stuff for a long time, but felt alone and ashamed. Together they decided to make a change, to do their part and to work with God as He does His part. It's only a recent development, so things are still fresh, but their desire is right.

Why the long post, and why the weird title? Because, fellow grooms, I'm telling you that if the God who created everything from nothing, wants to heal your wounded, broken, even shattered marriage, don't you think He has the power to do that? Don't be discouraged. Take heart. Yes, there will be challenges and you will have a lot of work ahead of you, but God can do it with you if you're willing. You can't have the attitude of "I know what I should do, but I don't want to." You have to want it and you have to be persistent, but don't give up.

I've seen and heard of lots of stories of God turning around and healing marriages. I refer you to Gemma, whose blog "Passion Within Marriage" is linked to the right. Read her story. Coriander blogs about her own struggles and God's healing power in "My Heart His Heart", also linked at the right. I have friends who have divorced and a few years later re-married each other with renewed passion for each other. In my own marriage, just this past weekend, my bride had enough of my recent attitude and called me out on it, enabling both of us to express our concerns and to reconnect.

Listen, gentlemen, I've said it before and I'll say it again, I'm on this path with you. I haven't figured it all out. Many of your marriages may be more healthy than my own, but I'm learning and I'm trying and the Lord has been so good to me and to my family.

So if you think God has nothing to work with, you're in luck. Nothing is all He needs.

Catch a Tiger by the Tail

2009-12-13T22:18:00.003-05:00

Made you look!

No, I'm not going to talk about Tiger. Not directly anyway. Everyone else is doing that. Instead, I'm going to talk about everyone else surrounding him.

First, the women, "paramours" as referred to by one editor. There's a waitress, a porn star, a reality show contestant and at least ten others. Whatever we know or don't know about these women, we know they are of weak moral character. How do we know this? Because they slept with a man they know was married. Regardless of anything else going on in their lives, this we know. On one of the entertainment news shows, someone said, "A man will only be as faithful as his options." That is an outright lie. A man will only be as faithful as his character. Everyone is faced with options and opportunities to do the wrong thing. What determines whether we do it, is not our option to; it's our desire to. Quite frankly, a weak man was tempted repeatedly by weak women, and chose not to fight. The same thing can happen to us if we are not careful. In fact, for many of us, it already has.

Second, his wife had a role in all this. I don't know exactly what it was and I'm not blaming her for his wandering, but somehow she played a part. How do I know this? Because the connection was lost between the two of them if they ever truly had one at all. I don't know how they felt about each other at any point, but I know that when she had confirmed his infidelity, she went after him with a golf club. Again, I'm not placing blame squarely on either one and I'm certainly not defending Woods. But I do know that no one goes from deep, heartfelt passion and love for a person to instantaneous desire to crack his skull with a pitching wedge.

Everyone else. One of the comments that angered me the most about this whole thing came from fellow PGA golfer Jesper Parnevik, who said, "I'm sorry I ever introduced her to him." Apparently Elin was the Parnevik's nanny at the time she met Woods. What's worse is the other comment he made. "It's a shame she went after him with a wedge. She should have used a driver." What a horse's ass. Pardon my language, but is there really any other way to say it? While Parnevik's marriage may be intact (for now at least), his schedule is practically the same as Woods' and his opportunities may not be all that different. It only takes once, and you don't have to be near as rich or famous or attractive as Tiger Woods. I'm sure I've had opportunities that if I were so inclined I could have followed. And I'm neither rich nor handsome.

What does this say to us, fellow grooms? It says to keep our focus where it needs to be, to love and care for our wives and to make them our priority. When we have even a hint of anything that remotely resembles an opportunity to turn from our marriage, we need to mentally or physically reconnect with our wife. If you feel the pull, check your thoughts and bring to mind an especially arousing or emotional time in recent history: a passionate lovemaking session, an enjoyable and relaxing vacation together, a time when you just laughed together, anything that connects you with your wife. Call her on the phone just to hear her voice and to tell her you love her. Whatever you have to do, gentlemen, do it. Often our behavior affects our attitude. Acting first, regardless of how we feel at the time, stirs our hearts to feel what we are already doing.

We also need to be mindful of how we treat others who fall. I'm sure Tiger feels helplessly alone right now. His marriage, custody of his kids, his career, and his endorsements are all in danger of being stripped away from him. Remember, Tiger's a man. An ordinary man with a rare skill at golf. Nothing more. May we learn from this that there is a lot more to the story of the man than what the media is telling.

I used to have a poster that I think I've mentioned on here before, but it bears repeating: "I used to pray for justice. Then I remembered myself and prayed for mercy."

Origami Superman

2009-11-17T14:42:00.003-05:00

Oh, yeah. You read it right. I said origami Superman. And do you know why I said that? Because I met him this weekend. Sure did.

To quote Paul Harvey, "And now, the rest.....of the story."

This week, the east coast was buffeted (did you like that? Fancy.) by storms from the Atlantic. In our area, there was massive flooding, schools were canceled and the governor called it a disaster area. As a result, my bride and daughter both had extra days off and we took advantage of that. Friday the weather had let up enough that we could go get a gift for our daughter's friend whose birthday party was the next day and we figured our little girl could do her Christmas dreaming in the toy section of Wal-mart (and she did). In that same shopping center was an Arby's (don't judge me). We all enjoy the occasional beef and cheddar and mozzarella sticks, so we went because it had been a few months.

In the kid's meal was a prize, but it was hard to determine what it was except that it involved something with superheroes and "assembly required." It was Sunday afternoon before my daughter asked me, "Daddy, would you help me put together my toy?" Who could say no to that? Naturally I shoved her onto the floor by palming her face and stepped over her to watch the Redskins game.

I'm just kidding.

It was the Vikings.

Really, though, my princess and I sat together at the kitchen table and tore the perforated unassembled anatomy off the card and I began to roll and fold and tuck the tabs and answer "What's that?" with every piece I touched. For forty-five minutes. At the end of my labor, there before me was a squared-off, bobble-headed, loose representation of the Man of Steel: my origami Superman. As my daughter hugged me and told me thank you, his hand popped off.

Not my fault. Design flaw.

I explained to her that this wasn't much of a toy and that he would probably come apart as she picked him up and sat him down or played with him. Fortunately she really wanted Wonder Woman, but she got Superman so she figured we had better put him together. Just like me, it doesn't matter to her how cheap or badly made something is, if it's unassembled, it needs to get un-unassembled, and pronto. It took me longer to put it together than she actually spent playing with it. That night I came home after a meeting and finishing a paper for school, and the Man of Glossy Cardstock lay still partially assembled, albeit headless, in that same spot on the table. My daughter had abandoned him for her old standby: Barbie. But really, who could blame her?

My bride reminded me as I grumbled through our little project that I was doing this for my daughter only because she asked me to. And I loved her. So here are a few object lessons to take away from this, so pick the one that most applies to you (which is often the one we most actively avoid).

1. Just spend time doing dumb stuff for your wife and kids because they love you and you love them. Who cares if it will last? My daughter will remember that I put hundreds of stickers on her dollhouse, drank imaginary tea, played little-girl board games and fed her sleepy-time baby doll imaginary milk from an empty bottle. And she'll love me for it.

2. Just like I did for my little girl, only because she asked (honestly I was hoping she wouldn't), Jesus tells us that if we who are wicked can give good things to our kids, how much more will God, our Father, give us good gifts? There are some things that may not make an eternal difference, but God doesn't mind blessing us with them, only because it makes us happy. It's not as much as we'd like, but it's certainly more than we deserve.

3. I spent a lot of time on that stupid cardboard inaction figure, knowing it was going to fall apart the first time anyone touched it. Invariably the tabs came out of the slots, the head unfurled, the hands popped off, and the cape ripped. Shocker. But how much time do we spend on things that won't last? We know that our job will be over in about 30 years, give or take, our car will need to be replaced eventually, our house will be sold or will have to be repaired or renovated, and our gadgets will soon be outdated and we will want the latest and greatest. And yet we spend so much of our time on our origami. Our paper world will fade and tear and eventually blow away or burn up. So, gentlemen, let's commit to focusing on the things that will last, the things that will hold for all eternity.

FINALLY!

2009-11-07T23:47:00.002-05:00

It's been a long month for my bride and I. As soon as school started back, our lives started going haywire, but the beginning of October hit like a truck. My bride has fibromyalgia, which means she is in constant joint and muscle pain. In her case it's usually her back and neck, but it's really everywhere. Stress adds to it, too, but even when she's relaxed she hurts. She usually pushes through every day and keeps going through the rest of her life regardless, so when she has to stop for not feeling well, I have to take notice.

A month ago I got a call at home on a Friday. It was the school nurse where my bride teaches and my daughter attends. I found out that my dear wife was hit with sudden abdominal pain, nausea, and a heat flash. After a visit to the doctor and some follow-up we were able to pin down some causes, but the pain is ongoing still. To add to that, last week she got the flu and after a visit to the emergency room, some shots and two IV's, she was given orders not to work for a week and to stay home. She did.

Needless to say we've been....um....separated for about a month. Thursday she finally felt well enough that all the buildup from the past few days, a result of a month's worth, got the best of us and we risked it. We couldn't wait until Friday. So Thursday night was passionate and amazing. We were unusually animalistic and literally couldn't get enough of each other! Pardon my imagery here, but I couldn't be deep enough and she couldn't be filled enough. Even after several orgasms on her part and a very strong one on my part, I just wouldn't go down, which surprised us both and we took as much of an advantage as we could.

Friday morning I still had to take our little girl to school and had to pick her up on an early-release day. We decided to take advantage and have a breakfast date, followed by some Christmas window shopping for our daughter. We got home around lunch and my wife had to make an important call and I told her I was going to take a nap on the couch before going to pick up our girl. A while later, my wife comes walking into the living room with a determination I rarely see. She immediately walked over and unzipped my pants so she could get to work. That led to an amazingly heated session on the living room floor. Before we could finish I had to go pick up our daughter. We had family night and were too tired to begin round two.

Until this morning. More relaxed, but just as passionate, we were able to spend more time together before getting breakfast. We are back on track it seems. We are under no delusion that our passionate weekend will be the norm from here on out, but we are certainly back in bed. We didn't like being derailed, but it was unavoidable and no fault of our own.

Do I have a point to this? Somewhat. Mostly I'm just excited about it, but I also want to encourage any of you who are going through a dry spell that if you can change it, to take steps to do so. Don't let a month turn into two, then six, then more. Make a move. If you can't change it, maybe you just need to ride it out and wait for a break, but pray for a break. Watch for your break and when it comes, jump on it. Your wife is your only legitimate sexual outlet. Take advantage of that and enjoy it as you can.

Batman in Flip-Flops

2009-10-31T21:18:00.002-04:00

It's Halloween. Or Reformation Day, if you prefer.

Today my wife is sick again. Or still. I'm not sure which. But I am sure that she is too sick to go with our daughter to trick-or-treat. Our little girl wanted to go to the mall this year, which we had never done, and that's exactly what we did. We turned off all the lights in the house except the lamp by my bride's bedside, and drove to the mall.

Our daughter was a cat tonight (we have a rule about dressing scary, which is fine with her) and enjoyed her costume. For the next couple of years it will join her other dress-up clothes and costumes in the guest room closet. We'll see her in those cat ears and tail for months to come. But tonight she was one of countless creatures, super heroes, princesses, soldiers, pirates, and teens wrapped in foil.

Seriously. As we got out of the car to cross the parking lot toward the mall, we walked the entire way behind four high school girls with aluminum foil wrapped around their waists. And that's it. My daughter asked me what they were supposed to be and I answered the best way I could.

"Burritos."

Once inside we joined the throngs of kids and adults draped in costumes in a broad range of details. Some went all out in homemade costumes complete with make-up and accessories (sickles, wands, fake blood, etc.). Others bought costumes at their local Wal-mart, and still others simply wrote something on a t-shirt.

Batman was an odd mix of all three. His head was covered in a good mask and his costume was outstanding, higher quality than Wal-mart, lower than studio. He had a nice-looking utility belt, detailed and sculpted muscles, winged gloves, full cape...and flip-flops.

Why flip-flops? Granted, our little black cat was wearing white sneakers, not exactly puss-in-boots; but Batman in flip-flops? So close yet so far away. I know it was only a costume and it served its purpose, but for us, fellow grooms, we don't get that luxury.

What I mean is, we have to pay attention to details. If we are to be husbands, we are to look like husbands. We are to love our wives, display that love head to toe; honor our wives, alone and in front of others; protect our wives, from others and sometimes even ourselves; desire our wives, initiating and receiving strong sexual intimacy; and I could go on. I read an article in the new Runners' World magazine I just received and in it there was a man who ran a 50-mile race in street shoes (or dress shoes) because he had failed to pack his running shoes for the race! He finished the race without injury, but imagine how much better he could have run had he been wearing the right shoes.

Fellow grooms, let us pay attention to the details of our roles. We cannot be a cheap knock-off of a "real" husband. Even if we aren't quite studio-quality, we can at least give 1oo% with what we've got. Even the man who ran in street shoes finished the race, and Batman got his candy tonight, even in flip-flops. But your family is not make-believe and flip-flops just won't do.

BARNY UP!

2009-10-22T10:56:00.002-04:00

This is kind of a sequel to the blog "The Hardest Thing I've Ever Done" from a few weeks ago. I've been thinking about it a lot and have had several opportunities to re-address it recently. Today I'm going to do so.

Last year I embarrassed my wife and daughter at school. I didn't mean to and it turned out that they didn't mind it too much, especially after getting positive comments from other teachers. The truth is, almost everyone on staff at that school knows me. My bride is in her third year teaching there, and my daughter is in her third year of attending. I spend a lot of time volunteering and helping out, even other teachers. During pre-planning (the two weeks before school starts) I spend a lot of time rearranging furniture for several teachers who don't have anyone to help them out during the day.

So, again, they know me.

Last year the principal retired after nearly 40 years, 30 of them as principal of that school. The new principal is in her first year as principal after serving a few years as assistant principal. This school also has a new assistant principal. Needless to say, things are much different and the teachers, parents, staff and volunteers are all learning to make the adjustments.

A few weeks ago, my bride came home and told me that they weren't sure they would have "reading celebrations" anymore. Reading celebration is one day each nine-week grading period when students are awarded their points for reading and testing on select books. They are awarded ribbons and medallions in increments. They pool the classes in by grades, filling half the gym with first graders and the other half with parents who came to cheer for their child over their accomplishment. Parents would clap and cheer and some even made signs. I would take my lunch hour and drive to the school to see my daughter receive her awards as she stood in front of all the other kids in her grade and their families. And I would cheer and clap appropriately. At first.

After a couple of these I realized that my daughter could see me (as could my bride who taught the same grade at the time), but she couldn't here me cheer for her. I decided I would remedy that soon enough. And so I did. At the next celebration I let out a deep, loud-as-I-could cheer (the kind that made "The Waterboy" Adam Sandler say, "You sound like a big choo-choo train."). My wife covered her face and shook her head, but my daughter tried her best not to smile. She loved it. The next celebration, she loved it even more, even expecting it this time. And the teachers thought it was great.

You know who didn't apparently? A few other parents. Apparently there's an appropriate amount of encouragement and support to show your child on an accomplishment, and I had shown too much. My wife informed me of it this year and said, "I don't care if you do it, but apparently there have been some complaints." Listen, I'm there for one person. I didn't make signs, blow an airhorn, or paint my body with my daughter's name. I just cheered louder than someone else. And apparently it hurt their feelings. Boo-hoo.

I don't know what this year will hold and what policies will be in place limiting my enthusiasm for my child. I can't control that other parents can't or won't be there for their child. I feel bad for them, I really do. I think every child should have someone there for them if at all possible. But I don't like being discouraged from lifting my kid up or being publicly proud of her. I'm not a jerk, I'm really not. But we all have to realize that equal opportunity does not produce equal results. If someone wants to out-cheer me, then cheer louder, don't tell me to calm down!

I coined a phrase last night when I was teaching the students. I didn't plan for it; it just came out and I think it's pretty good. We were talking about Saul after his conversion, and upon his return to Jerusalem, the othe believers didn't trust him. They still had him pegged as someone who was going to turn them in for being believers in Jesus (read Acts 8-9). One man stood beside him and vouched for him, a guy named Barnabas. Because of Barnabas, Saul was able to stay and to become a part of the early Church before beginning his ministry of teaching the Gentiles about Jesus. In case you don't know, the name Barnabas means "Son of Encouragement".

We all need to be a Barnabas to someone, gentlemen. Our wives and kids need a Barnabas. When no one else will encourage them, Barny up! When we are told to calm down about praise for our families, Barny up! When we hear people bashing another man, Barny up! When our friends and co-workers are facing difficult times, Barny up! And often, when we ourselves feel defeated, Barny up!

So Barny up, fellow grooms! Be an encouragement to another and do it without shame or apology.

Have an Affair? Really?

2009-10-13T09:19:00.002-04:00

Apparently there's been an advertisement out for a couple of years, but I just found out about it this week. It's advertised in towns where I don't live and on stations I don't watch and at events I don't attend. But I heard about it this week. And it's absolutely ridiculous. Apparently there is a company who shall remain nameless by me, but will be obvious with a quick search, whose sole purpose is to match unhappily married adults with other unhappily married adults for one-night-stands and probably some short flings.

"Groom," you may be saying, "How do you know that they aren't just a dating site where married folks lie about their marital status for flings?" That's a good question. I'm sure that happens on any of the myriad dating and "hook-up" sites available. I don't like most of the sites (I have my doubts about all of them, but I also admit ignorance to many things online-dating), but this one is specifically created and administrated for the purpose of organizing adultery. Don't believe me? Here are their ads:

"Life is short. Have an affair."

(On a video spot interspersed with a couple rolling in bed, kissing: "These people are married. But not to each other."

In an interview on CNN (interesting that it was CNN and not FOX where the journalist/host had this attitude), the CEO was grilled by the host about breaking up marriages and families, having no conscience or morals, etc. Wow! Harsh words coming from CNN toward someone who is not a conservative (not to bash CNN at all; this just stood out as so surprising to me because of the sternness of the rebuke). This company makes millions off this service, advertises it proudly and makes no bones about the purpose of their company. Hundreds of thousands of people have joined to take advantage of what they have to offer.

I'm going to tell you something that no one else knows, and this is only because of the anonymity of this blog. I'm an affair survivor. When my bride and I were separated for several months because of a job transfer, I returned on a surprise visit and rather than greet me with excited hugs and kisses, she hugged and kissed me tentatively and started crying. After talking for a while she admitted to a single act of indiscretion, but did not give details. After a short conversation about it, I forgave her completely. I can't explain it myself, but I was moved with such compassion and a spirit of forgiveness I can only attribute to God, that I actually held no grudge or doubt or bitterness. Divorce or counseling never came up. In fact, no one else in our family, friends, or anyone else knows of our experience. We've shared the experience of "friends" and the story of grace and forgiveness that "they've related to us," but never one of personal experience.

That was eleven years ago. Fast forward to this past spring. My dear bride was in a state of depression for a couple of weeks. Finally we were able to talk about it where she opened up and told me that she still felt guilty for what she had done and that I forgave her without getting the details, not knowing just what she had done. I asked if this had been bothering her the entire time and she said it had. I assured her again that I had indeed forgiven her that day and haven't really thought about it since. Then I told her this: "Pretty, when you didn't want to tell me what you had done, I went ahead and imagined the full extent. What I forgave you for was everything you possibly could have done, not only what you actually did." She felt better and we prayed together again and as far as I know that's the end of it. If it comes up again, I 'll deal with it.

Let me make a very clear demand here for my readers. I want no credit for going above and beyond. I already explained that my forgiveness and compassion came from God, not from my own strength of character. I want glory to go to God and want none for myself. My second demand is that no one thinks badly of my wife. In reality, this was before she was a believer. We didn't know it at the time (that's another story), but it's true. Even if she had been a believer, it was not an intentional act on her part. I am making no excuse for what she did, but neither did she. From that day on, we avoided her workplace where it happened, at her request, and I have never had any fears about her doing it again.

But here is how it affects us now, eleven years later. Primarily she doubts me. Although I have not done anything that I know of to allude to the fact that I'm unhappy with her or that I want another, her own act of indiscretion has clouded her perception to view the possibility of my acting against her in a similar manner. She is jealous of other women, even my new doctor. As a result of her one-night-stand, my character is in question, but she also still carries guilt for what she did to me.

So who wins? If forgiveness is offered that freely from a single unplanned act, and there is still overwhelming guilt more than a decade later with no additional fuel, then how can a planned, paid for, carefully chosen affair, be good for marriage? The simple fact is, it can't.

When surveyed about the legitimacy of the business, people on the street were split in their opinions. Some said it was fine, others were unsure and some were outright upset at the prospect of the enterprise. However, when asked about how they would feel if their own spouse used the service, it was almost universally negative and anger-inducing.

Groom, protect your bed. Protect your heart. Protect your marriage. To quote an old saying, "Dance with the one who brung ya."

The Hardest Thing

2009-10-06T10:32:00.002-04:00

This weekend I did the hardest thing I've ever done. Let me give you some background. There is nothing at all impressive about me. I'm an average guy with my average goals and dreams. I look average (how I got such a hot wife, I'll never know), I have an average build, I got average grades in school, etc. But God had drawn me to do some things that to some seem, well, not extraordinary, but certainly impressive. I joined the cub scouts in third grade and had achieved the rank of Eagle Scout when I was thirteen. God had chosen my career path by the time I graduated high school and now, at 40 years old, I'm still on it. I went to college and graduated in four years, having declared my major my freshman year. The next week I started in the career (call) which had been set for me. There I met my wife. Three years later we married and moved away to continue my education. We both worked full-time and went to school full-time. For a couple of reasons I had to push to graduate a semester early with my masters degree. My bride graduated from college the next semester, and we were debt-free.

For the next several years we worked in our respective fields. A few years ago we were called to a new location where my future is being shaped again, this time in pursuit of a second masters degree. In the meantime I am learning more and doing more about my health as both my weight and my genetic makeup are starting to catch up with me. A few weeks ago it was determined that I had a couple of minor, but genetic health issues that will require low-dose medication probably for the rest of my life. All of that leads me to the topic of my blog today: the hardest thing I've ever done.

I've posted before about my pursuit of weight loss and becoming generally more healthy. As a result, I've started taking up exercise and I've worked to modify my diet (which, with my newly-discovered medical issues, both are crucial). Because I get bored easily, I needed to find some variety in my exercising. I stumbled across an event at the local YMCA where I exercise, called a duathlon. I asked about the duathlon, giving me a goal to charge my workouts, and was informed that they didn't do that anymore. Instead, they had a triathlon in the spring called a "sprint" triathlon. Don't be fooled, you don't sprint at all. The "sprint" consisted of a 300-meter swim, a 10-mile bike ride, and a 5-kilometer (or 3.1-mile) run. In between each event were timed transitions where you prepare for the next event. In other words, once you start, there is no time-out, no break, no half-time. It is you against the clock.

I thought about it and started checking to find out more about this. This was in October, a year ago. While we were in a bookstore, I went to the sports section and found several books that would be good, but one stood out: "Guide to Finishing Your First Triathlon." I picked it up, looked through it and read the comment by the author, "Anyone can do triathlon." I found my bride, with my book in my hand, and told her, "Pretty, I'm going to do a triathlon."

"Uh huh." Without even looking up from her book.

Fast forward to spring and I finish the triathlon, learning a lot, overcoming my concern about being seen in spandex, and just trying to have a good time. It was fun when it was over.

Fast forward to last weekend. I trained hard for this day and wanted to see if I could do it. I hadn't trained to the level I knew I should have, but the rest of my life takes precedence over my training. I soon realized I was in over my head when I saw scholarship college triathlon teams, armed forces triathlon teams, and heard the word "Olympian" thrown around a few times. But I had paid my entry fee, received my number and had everything with me. Oh, yeah, why were there so many of these high-level athletes there? Because this was a champioship qualifying event. Did I mention I was in over my head? As it turns out, the bigger the triathlon, the better the athletes. Let me give you a rundown on the event:

First was a swim (the swim is always first; I guess because no one drowns if they pass out on the run). The swim was 1500 meters (0.93 miles). After the swim came a 40-kilometer bike ride (or 24.85 miles), rounded out by a 10-kilomter (6.2-mile) run. I did my best on every leg of the event, pushing as hard as I could while still preserving some energy for the remaining portions of the race. I drank water and Gatorade, and ate pieces of an energy bar I had stuck onto my bike frame. As the race dragged on, the crowd grew thinner and thinner, indicating how far I was falling behind. When I FINALLY crossed the finish line, just a few minutes before cut-off, I was wiped out. A couple of days later I got my official race results indicating that I came in last place, the last person to finish the race and still have completed it legally. Yay.

But it was the hardest thing I've ever done. This four hours of my life was grueling and exhausting. By the time I got back the "provided lunch" was gone. It was for the best. I rested a little bit trying to get ANYTHING into my body that could be used for fuel or fluids. After about 20 minutes I finally loaded my stuff into my car and headed home. About 10 minutes into the ride, I vomited all over myself and the interior of my freshly-detailed car. That's the first time that had ever happened to me. I'd never done so much physical exertion that I actually dehydrated, malnourished, and puked. I'm framing the shirt with my puke stains on it.

Why did I tell you this? Just to let you know how BAD I am and not to mess with me.

Just kidding. Don't hit me. Actually, it was to give you some encouragement, gentlemen. And to encourage you to encourage. Unfortunately for me, my bride was unable to attend the race with me. She did ask me, but I told her not to feel pressured, and for her, it was a good thing with everything she ended up facing over the weekend. For me, however, it was brutal. I had no idea how much cheering can make a difference. Those words of encouragement, the cardboard signs, and hearing your name being cheered on can give huge boost.

On the final mile of the run, there were only a handful of us left. There was one young lady who kept trading positions with me as we would each walk a little, then run a little. In that last 200 yards, her husband was there, and as her crowd of support cheered her on, her husband ran out, took her hand and they ran across the finish line together. That will be a cherished family photo. As I followed behind them, just doing what I could to finish, all I heard was the beep of the timer, the click of a camera, and a young man saying, "Here's some water, sir."

No cheer, no calling my name, no one to hug me or give me a high-five. There were no signs with my name on them, and even the announcer who usually announces the finishers, was doing the awards ceremony with the rest of the crowd. It was practically silent. What could easily have been a celebration to ward off a sense of personal defeat, was conspicuously absent. Immediately, my brain turned to my analysis of my performance, taking on the role of criticizing what I didn't do rather than celebrating what less than 600 people in the state accomplished that day.

So, husband and father, whether you are racing side by side, holding the hand of your bride, or are calling out to them over the phone or from the sidelines, your encouragement is critical. Your family needs to know that you are cheering them on, letting them know that you believe in their abilities and in the realities of their dreams. When your wife has a bad day at work or with the kids, does she know that you think she's the greatest? That she's doing a good job and that you appreciate her for it? When your child does well on a test or project or when they even have the courage to try out for a team or club, do you make it clear how proud you are that they even TOOK A SHOT at it? I don't think the lyric of a song holds true any more than these words when a parent or spouse is silent:

"One is the loneliest number."

Naughty Little Mattress Monkey

2009-10-01T14:01:00.002-04:00

Does that title scare you? I understand. It would scare me, too, if I didn't know the story behind it.

So here it is.

My bride loves to get cards for me and for our daughter. She feels bad if she sends a gift or card that will be late for someone's birthday or for Christmas. My personality lends itself to shrugging my shoulders and saying, "At least we did something." So, since she is generous with card- and gift-giving, that means she also puts thought into the cards she gets. She loves when I get her a card because it means I thought about her. I don't often do cards or gifts, so for me to do that means a lot to her. When she gets me cards they are often sweet, sometimes funny, but never sexy.

Until my last birthday. Last year, nearly a year after I started really making moves toward making her my priority and toward pursuing her sexually with persistence, I got my birthday card from her. On the front of the card were cartoon pictures and words describing me with all kinds of good qualities, innocent as anything. I was her ...(hero, handyman, etc.). But then I opened up and there was the phrase, "and my naughty little mattress monkey."

Wait. What?

That's right. My sweet and innocent bride who teaches six-year-olds and sits beside me in church and dresses conservatively, bought me a card with the phrase "naughty little mattress monkey." When I read it, my eyes got wide and I shot her a look and she started cracking up, then got her "sexy look" going. It was going to be a good night, I could tell.

Fast forward a full month to Christmas Eve. For the first time in over a decade, it was going to be just the three of us for Christmas. My mother and brother were coming over on Christmas day, my brother flying in from out of town, so my bride and I decided that we would have our own little "unwrapping party" of our own. My job, as host and man of the house, is to play Santa. Every Christmas Eve after church we will have light snacks and read the Christmas story before gathering in the living room to unwrap our gifts. Our little girl always gets the first one, then we try to cycle through as best we can.

Since it was just the three of us, we cycled through with our daughter getting more than either of us (which she does anyway), and then we send her to bed, holding some of our presents to each other for after our little girl is asleep. So we began with our last few presents each, my bride telling me which ones I should open in which order. Every time I would get close to the one in the green foil bag with red and green tissue, she would tell me, "That one's last." Our best presents are always last.

When all the presents left were for my mom and brother, my bride got up and walked over to the tree, took the green bag and handed it to me with a kiss. As we sat back down, she looked a little nervous. I was excited to find, after I pulled out the tissue, a new set of Christmas lingerie. That's right. My bride had gone by herself to buy lingerie, a first in our marriage.

"I'll be happy to try that on for you in a few minutes if you're not too tired." She laughed when I said it. Okay, I kid. That was her comment to me as I stared with an idiot grin, looking back and forth at my gift and the wrapper. "There's more in there," she smiled, bringing me back to the task at hand. I reached in and found a sampler pack of massage oils and personal lubricants (Note: just because they are all in the same kit does NOT mean they are all suitable for lubricants. Ask me how I know.).

It wasn't long before I was unwrapping my gift from her new gift-wrap. Just a few weeks ago, she again went off on her own and bought new lingerie, some that we have been discussing for several months. I was surprised and excited and I have thoroughly enjoyed her purchases, as you can imagine.

But what about us, gentlemen? What do we do for gifts for our brides? Do you do thinks specifically because you know that she will enjoy them? Do you take the initiative to get her something that is entirely for her? Let me be honest. I really don't think the lingerie my bride wears is all that comfortable. Some of the things she wears are, such as the bras and panties that she gets for all-day wear. They are still attractive, but are also extremely practical and comfort is taken into account. But there are things she wears that are just for me. Like her Christmas gift.

But on my side, I've made some purchases just for her. Do I feel a little silly? Sure, sometimes. Am I self-conscious? Probably no more-so than she is. Even in my everyday underwear, however, I've made some changes. I have gradually transitioned from traditional briefs to comfortable-yet-attractive-for-my-bride microfiber boxer-briefs. I've tried boxers and colorful briefs and even cotton boxer-briefs, but this is first time I have found underwear that is comfortable for me and attractive to my bride. I pay more than I would like, but she's worth it.

Now, even this morning when she's not feeling well, she walks by me as we get ready for our day, and she grazes my crotch or my butt with her hand. Sometimes she grabs or squeezes, but she almost always touches. That's an important connection for us.

Fellow groom, may I encourage you to look at your wardrobe and see if your choice of attire, from underwear to outerwear, flatters your bride? Would you be willing to stop making excuses for your old sweatshirt and get a new shirt that she likes? Sure you can keep a few old clothes for maintenance around the house, yard, and car, but I'm sure there's a lot of stuff you can get rid of. Even if you're a t-shirt and jeans kind of guy, like I am, there are a lot of t's that you can remove and replace. My bride likes me in t-shirts and jeans. She likes me even better when the t-shirt and jeans I wear look good. And even though no one knows what's under our clothes, we both know, and that's who we dress for. Each other.

Is your bride worth dressing up for? You know she is.

All My Yesterdays

2009-09-24T11:20:00.002-04:00

I have a Facebook account...

"Gee, really, Groom? You're a real pioneer."

Shut up and let me finish. I have a Facebook account that I got so I could talk to an old friend. When I searched for him online I discovered his FB and had to have my own in order to contact him. So I signed up and we chatted. I know, weird that he didn't deny my request. I would have. In fact I have two FB pages and I've sent requests from each one to the other and they both got denied. What can I say, I'm hard on myself.

Anyway, after about three days I get a message in my e-mail that I have a friend request. It turns out it was one of my old college buddies who found me on there. When I visited his page I found a bunch of my old college friends and since then I have either requested or sent requests to about 300 friends.

And my old friends would never do anything to hurt me, right?

Uh...yeah. Right.

Two days ago, one of my friends hurt me. They hurt me bad. Cut me deep. "Oh, Groom, I'm so sorry," you may be saying. "What did they do? What tragedy could possibly befall you from someone who claims to be your friend?"

They posted an old picture. Woe is me!

It's from the early '90s, one in which my hair was firmly gelled with the "wet look", my shirt was all the way buttoned without a tie, and frankly I had a little bit of a mullet. It's true. So I commented on the picture that my fashion sense was evidence of original sin. Oh, yeah, it was ugly. Okay, I was ugly. Still am, but now I've resigned myself to the fact that I'm unattractive. Back then, when I was 20, I really thought I looked okay. But deep down I knew the truth, and as I've matured, that truth has set me free from the bondage of my self-deception.

Fortunately, as far as I know, pictures like that are innocuous and display only how I looked during that time in my life and the fashion of the time. The picture was taken with me and one of the girls I was friends with. So I can look at all my yesterdays through two lenses:

1. The lens of humiliation and embarrassment. I was skinny, a little out of style, not especially bright, seriously goofy-looking, and only a mediocre student. All those things added up to a time in my life that for several years made me the butt of jokes. I was picked on, teased, occasionally roughed up, and mostly lonely. I kept to myself in high school, as a rule except to my few friends, and dreaded going to work with the same people who abused me in school. But after I graduated I made several good friends while in college.

2. The lens of blessing and abundance. Because I was so rejected at school, I was amazed that some students at a church welcomed me in. It was through these friendships that I came to know about how much God loved me and that He was trustworthy. As a result of the love that I felt, I surrendered to whatever God wanted for me. As a result, He has taken "what the locusts" have eaten and has replaced them. I went from being rejected and lonely and without a life purpose, to being overwhelmed with friends, given a career where my hurts have borne compassion, and given a bride who could have chosen any number of suitors, but chose me and has stayed with me through poverty, crisis, unemployment, and the physical results of my aging.

Every once in a while I will be faced with the insignificance of my life. It's a fight that will last for a few days. I look at how little I've done and what little difference I've made. I am challenged with the failures and shortcomings of my life. I'm in a job that brings neither glory nor wealth. My name will likely never be recognized outside my little circle of friends. If I published my name on this page, every one of you would say, "Who?" This battle usually comes immediately after a failure: something I forgot to do, or a goal I was unable to meet.

But then the Lord has to remind me that He created me for His purpose, not mine. And I'm reminded of the illustration of the pebble in the pond. Even the smallest of pebbles when dropped into a still pond, will make ripples that will continue on indefinitely. My blog may never be quoted to another. My conversations may be kept private. My prayers may only be whispered alone in my office or from my bed. But the impact my life makes, in whatever way, good or bad, does impact others.

Some of the people on my Facebook friends list are people I haven't seen in twenty years, yet they remember me. They laugh at things we did together and they recall some impact I had on their lives, no matter how insignificant. Maybe I'm part of a story they tell their friends or families that bring laughter. Maybe they quote me in an illustration to their Sunday school classes or from the pulpits as they preach. I don't know and I don't ask. But I quote them. I share their stories. And I see and hear the laughter from the people I share it with. And it makes me feel good.

Fellow groom, don't consider your life insignificant because you only have a cubicle instead of an office. Don't consider your life pointless because you can only afford a tiny apartment instead of a large family home. Don't count yourself as nothing because things didn't go the way you'd hoped. Your life is causing ripples that will touch far beyond what you can see. Look at your life through the lens of blessing and abundance instead of embarrassment and humiliation. That lens is foggy anyway.

A Name Against the Sky

2009-09-12T13:08:00.007-04:00

Last night, my bride and I flipped through channels and stopped on the History Channel. It was the first time we had seen the new 9/11 memorial park outside the West Wall of the Pentagon. The memorial is obviously very well-planned and absolutely breathtaking. As you look upon it from a distance you see a distinct pattern of benches. The grounds are laid out in pea gravel and polished steel. There are 184 benches rising gracefully from the ground, plateauing out level and capped at the end with the name of the honored dead on a polished steel plate.

The underside of the benches, the foundations, hover brilliantly over 184 individually-lit fountains, which causes the bottoms of the benches to glow at night as the yellow-green light shines through the crystal clear water and reflects off the steel belly of each memorial.

As you enter the memorial garden, complete with fiery-red maples, you cross an entrance that has the time and date engraved across the threshold: September 11, 2001, 9:37 AM. As you look out over the benches, you notice the strict organization of the pattern. The benches are in straight lines by birth year, the oldest being 71 years old (1930) and the youngest being only 3 (1998).

But one of the most distinguishing characteristics of the bench arrangement is that the name plates are facing two different directions. The benches honoring the people who were in the Pentagon at the time are facing away from the building. The ones who died as passengers in the plane are facing toward the rebuilt west wall.

Here's why: it's the background. When you kneel down to read the name of someone who died in the Pentagon, you are seeing the Pentagon as their backdrop. When you read the name of someone who died in the plane, their backdrop is the sky. The final moments of their life will be forever memorialized by the remembrance of, and display of their names.

So, fellow grooms, what will be the backdrop of your name? When you are gone, what will people see in the background of your name? What is the context in which you will be honored? Will your backdrop be the office, the television, a gorgeous yard, the golf course? Or will people see your name and see your wife and kids, a strong marriage and loving family? Like the memorial above, what your life reflects as important is what people will see. Your time spent is what people will recall when your life is over. Gentlemen, let our lives reflect our marriages and children as the most important things in our lives, what we are remembered by and honored for.

Loving TOO Much?

2009-09-08T16:05:00.003-04:00

It's been an adventurous week for my family. School started back today for my bride and for my little girl. My bride teaches elementary school at the same school where my daughter attends. We had our traditional back-to-school breakfast this morning. They went ahead to the school so my loving wife could make final adjustments to her classroom and I took a short drive to the Golden Arches to pick up our meals: pancakes and chocolate milk for our little girl, an Egg McMuffin and a coke for my wife, and a big 'ol....orange juice for me.

A year ago, I started changing my diet some. I was cutting out some fats and sugars, switching from sodas to water (with an occasional soda), and replacing biscuits with english muffins. I also started exercising and decided last fall to run a triathlon. I accomplished that in the spring after losing about 15 pounds, a little under halfway to my goal weight. I will be racing in a longer tri in about 3 weeks. As I started changing my diet I decided to add exercise, then to focus my exercise and nutrition to fulfill a greater purpose: finishing race days, yes; but also living longer and healthier.

That was a year ago. Two weeks ago I went to the doctor to have a spot looked at, which she removed and is nothing, but she decided to do a full physical (sans prostate) since my last one was in the late '80s. As a part of this, I got a shot, which I hate, and some blood tests, which I also hate. I hate needles. They hurt. 'Nuff said.

Less than a week ago I went back to have stitches removed and to get test results. This time my bride and daughter were there with me. It was on this day that I found out that I have inherited my parents' cholesterol issues. I was given a prescription for that and told to monitor my diet. I was also informed that I had hypothyroidism, or an underactive thyroid, which may explain my failure to lose weight as quickly as I feel I should be, and why I'm always thirsty and quickly balding. I was also given a prescription for that.

It's official: I'm old. I became deeply depressed immediately, not for fear of dying of heart disease, which I figure will be my cause anyway, but because I had been doing so much to avoid this lately. Have I been perfect with it? Not remotely. But I grew up in the south where "love" equals fried foods and homemade pies and lots of them. It's an insult if you don't eat what someone else makes, and if you mention losing weight, people look at you funny and tell you that you don't need to lose weight.

"Thanks, Big Momma. Do you really think you should eat that whole pie alone? Seriously."

As we went home, we immediately began researching what I can eat when I have such high cholesterol. The answer is: not much. Lots of meats are out, lots of breads, sandwich spreads, stuff made with cream or dairy or egg yolk. Anything fried and most cheeses. All the greats. So we went to an organics/naturals food store and we couldn't even buy most of the stuff there. Most nuts are out, even my favorites: cashews. But we came out with a good sampling of new things to try. Then we headed over to Wal-mart to finish some shopping and to pick up some supplements.

Over the last few days I've gone through withdrawals, mourning, grief, resentment, and cravings. What I'm quickly coming to understand is that there is always a healthier substitute. It may not taste as good, but it's not necessarily repulsive. In the long run we'll save money, but we'll also save my life.

This last weekend we went to a nearby theme park. You've heard of it. It's a big name with a big budget and all kinds of cool rides and shows. And food. Turkey legs. Funnel cakes. Ice cream in waffle cones. Burgers. Pizzas. Fries. It all looked ssoooooooo good as we walked past, looking for something I could snack on. There was nothing that I could see. Eventually we all split a single-serving bag of Cracker Jacks. I had 9 kernels. I counted.

Our big plan for the day was to let our little girl play in the children's water area with sprays, and water dumps, and puddles and streams and padded flooring and other parents sitting around the perimeter yelling, "Don't run, Elijah! Elijah! ELIJAH!! WATCH YOUR SISTER!!"

And we took note. Maybe our eyes were opened this last week. Of course we've always seen it and always known, but now we have to consciously face our fault. We have to address our weaknesses and overcome our heritages. We have to stand strong against our family's good intentions. We have to say no. What we were once a part of, now we are walking around the outside figuring out how to stay out.

What did we see at the park that we were blinded to before? Fat kids. Lots of them. I know the term "fat kid" is insensitive and insulting. Some have hormonal imbalances (myself included now apparently). Some have slow metabolisms and others have some health issue. But honestly, let's just call it what it is: they are loved too much.

When I say "loved too much", what I mean is that their parents love them too much to tell them no. They love them too much to withhold an ice cream for fear they will throw a fit. They love them too much to keep a lid on the candy dish so their self-esteem won't be crushed. They love them too much to tell them to get out of the house and play outside for exercise. They love them too much to deny them whatever their heart desires.

We saw one little girl that was probably five years old and easily 100 lbs. She had on a white bathing suit with multi-colored polkadots and red trim. I asked my wife if it was just me, or did that girl look like a gumball machine. It was tragically funny. That girl has no idea what awaits her as she ages. And her parents likely love her too much to predict and prepare for it now. How do I know? Because not long after we saw her, we saw her again. With a turkey leg in her hand.

Fellow grooms, let me make it clear that this blog is not just about keeping yourself and your family physically healthy. It's about loving them enough to begin healing them, to deny them the things that are harmful, to offer plenty in the way of the good. We ought to set the example. Is the occasional turkey leg, soda, or ice cream cone terrible? Will it lead them down a road to obesity? No. All things in moderation. Is it unhealthy for your family to watch movies or television, even on a regular basis? No. Is it unhealthy for you to tell your wife or children on occasion that you really have to get this work done so you can't play? No. But only on occasion.

As the husband and father, we have a responsibility to love our wives and children too much to give them whatever they want, regardless of long-term consequences. We are called to care for them as Christ loves the Church. We have to stand opposed sometimes, putting our foot down on issues that to some, may seem insignificant. We can't let our children not do their homework or show up to school. We can't standby as our wives become involved in gossip sessions at church or work. And we can't standby as other women make flirtatious comments to us. We have to love our families to the point of denial of some pleasures for our own good.

When my bride told me that she was going to take some things off our menu and that we were all going to eat healthy together, that made a huge impact on me. I told her that this was my problem and that she shouldn't have to eat on my limited menu. She said, "I can't do that. And if it's good for you, it will be good for all of us. I want us all to be around together for a long time. We can do this together." I promised her that even if I get mad or frustrated at what I can't have and if she enforces the menu, I won't get mad at her for enforcing it because I know she loves me and she is denying me what I want for my own good.

I only hope I'm strong enough to return the favor in every area of our lives.

It's About Time!

2009-08-24T10:55:00.003-04:00

We finally celebrated our anniversary this weekend.

Two months late.

Our anniversary falls right in the late part of June where school finishes before Vacation Bible School starts and then I take the students to camp for a week. When I get back, our anniversary has passed, sometimes with us spending it together at camp or sometimes with us being separated by my week with teens and her week at home. But that's almost always been the case with us. We've rarely known differently. So we usually celebrate when I get back. We'll send our daughter away (or she'll already be away), and we'll have a nice time to ourselves for a few days and evenings after work. We just enjoy our time together.

But this year was different. I was gone during our anniversary, but as soon as I came back we had guests for a week, then after a few days, more guests. After they left, we had a few days to get ready for our trip to be the guests. Upon our return, my work picked up and we had things to do. Finally a few days ago our schedule loosened up, we sent our little girl off to her grandmother's house, and we began our celebratory two weeks.

Bow-chicka-wow-wow.

That's right. Sex. Lots of it. All over the house. No longer confined to our room after 9p, we can do whatever we want whenever we want. And we are. It's more than a stay-cation. It's a lay-cation. Did I just say that? I think I did.

But we also went to the mall and to the movies. We have watched all our summer movies blow past us as we entertained out-of-towners and worked to get our house and yard ready for the next visitors. Last Friday we went to the movies. We drove an hour to the mall, watched a movie, ate a nice lunch, watched another movie, did some shopping and hanging out, got a light dinner and watched another movie. Then since the mall was closed we walked all the way around to the other side to get to our car in the parking garage. Note to self: park near the theater next time.

And when we got home, do you know what we did? Made love.

"How," you may be asking, "did you spend all day staring at a screen and then come home and be connected enough to make love?" Honestly, we're movie people. We love watching movies together. But here's the kicker: we're talkers. We make fun of the movie, criticize it, make predictions, and all kinds of stuff. So we talked all day: while we got ready, while we drove, while we watched the movies, while we ate, while we shopped, while we walked around making fun of people, and while we drove home. We just connected all day. We didn't talk about our relationship. We just built it.

Wanna know what we did Saturday? We were lazy and watched "Lost: Season 4" on DVD.

And had sex.

I know that relationship experts have always said that this is no way to build a relationship. They say that movie dates are the worst kind. But not for us. It's a shared interest for us. So while everyone else will say that we wasted our weekend, for us it wasn't a waste. We were connecting and doing things together and relaxing as we enjoyed each other's company. Our focus was never truly on the characters in the films. It was on what each other thought of the characters in the films.

Good sir, what do you enjoy doing with your wife? How do you two connect that no one else would see as significant, but is core to your relationship? Can I give you a hint? Revert to that. Don't worry about how everyone else sees your relationship and hobbies. Focus on the grand history you have with your wife, even if it seems foolish to everyone else. We have friends who kayak together. They don't talk the whole day except at lunch. They just paddle along quietly and watch the wildlife. It relaxes them. Others do county fairs and amusement parks. Some do gardening. My in-laws do flea markets and antique malls.

Ultimately it doesn't matter what you do. Just do it. Together.

"But You Don't Show It!"

2009-08-18T10:39:00.003-04:00

The last couple of weeks have been interesting for me. I got a call from a young man last week who was deeply distraught. I told him to come talk to me. So he did. Long story short, his girlfriend was leaving him. Now this isn't just a young couple who dated for a while. They have been together for more than eight years and have lived together for most of that time. The way they met and became involved wasn't healthy and both of their examples growing up weren't healthy. Her parents had both been through multiple marriages and his parents were still on their first, but appear to despise each other and stay together out of comfort and convenience.

Whoever said "Ignorance is bliss" is an idiot. It is ignorance that got them together and ignorance which has driven them apart.

So this young man sits across from me, crying and mourning the loss of a relationship, all the while telling me that he didn't know what she wanted him to do differently. After some more talking I told him to ask if she would be willing to come in and talk together.

She was. They did.

It became obvious over the course of the three-way conversation that she had told him repeatedly what she wanted, but he never listened. She wanted to be his priority, simple as that. He hunted, they visited his family, and he spent time with his friends. She worked, sat alone at home waiting for him, visited his family, and sat alone while he was out with his friends.

"I love you, baby!" he would say.

"But you don't show it."

And so they left that day. Separately. Their relationship had ended, at least for now. He couldn't change overnight, and she needed proof.

Men, we don't take hints very well. I know that. I'm the world's worst. So I have to keep a sharp eye out for what would make my bride happy. The couple above wasn't married. I had no problem letting their relationship dissolve. Had they been married, I would have tried different things to help them. I've had to try new things in my own marriage. I've had to learn how to show my wife that I love her. She knows I love her because I talk to telemarketers so she doesn't have to. I help her with housework as well as yardwork and home repairs. I fill up her car with gas and give her the parking space in the garage. I make the doctor's appointments and help her in her classroom after school. I massage her feet and paint her toe nails.

Just to say I love her. My wife may doubt my intelligence, my capacity for common sense, my judgment, my sense of style, my taste in entertainment, my choice in food; but she can't doubt my love for her. It's not that I don't say it. I do. A lot. Like, all the time. I don't just say, "I love you" when I want sex or a nice dinner, or permission to play golf with the guys. She has no problem giving me any of those things because she sees me love her all the time.

Fellow groom, it doesn't matter how long you've been together, "I love you" and "let me help you with that" are two phrases that will never get old to your bride if spoken sincerely. If we will continue to pursue our wives throughout our lives, they will never doubt our love.

There's a question that I'd like to paraphrase for this purpose, "If you were on trial for loving your wife, would there be enough evidence to convict you?"

What's That Smell?

2009-08-13T12:19:00.003-04:00

I don't have a foot odor problem. Sure my feet stink about like everyone else's after a hard day in the yard, but I always wear socks and that helps a lot. I have my daily K-Swiss classic whites that I wear most days and my American Eagle casual shoes. I have my super-nice cordovan and black saddle shoes that I wear with my suit on occasion and I have my solid black comfortable casual-dress shoes that I wear on Sunday mornings with chinos and golf shirts. They are all tolerable, even though they are mostly old. I may buy one pair of shoes a year, but some of those shoes I've had for ten years, some for 3, and the rest for at least one, and only my K-Swiss' have ever been laundered. Once.

And then there's my running shoes. Last year when I started running for fitness and weight loss, I bought a pair of Reebok running shoes. Thirty bucks on sale at Kohl's. They're comfortable, pretty lightweight, cushioned good enough for my road running and the arch supports me without hurting or being too far forward, high, or flat. Not bad for what I paid. Last spring I bought some "Yankz" speed laces, which allow me to slip them on and off without the hassle of tying or untying them. I got the laces because I had to wear these shoes in my first triathlon. When I got off my bike, I rolled on my socks and slipped on my shoes and off I went for the final leg of the race: the run. I did okay and met my goals. I would like to have done better, but I have one coming up in the fall that I'm training harder for.

One area that I wanted to shave some time off of was the transition. Everything happens in the transition area. On race day, everyone is give a spot on the bike rack and you have a space about the size of a hand towel to put out your other gear. For my race I needed my bike, helmet, sunglasses, bike shoes, running shoes, shirt, and socks. My helmet stayed on my bike with my sunglasses in it. I had swim goggles with me when I made my first transition to the bike, so I could just drop them in my bag without a problem. I was slow my triathlon standards in my first transition, coming in just under two minutes to put on my shirt, bike shoes, shades, and helmet, grab my bike, and get to the mount line. The bike-to-run transition was better, but still slow, in my opinion.

So as I looked at where to shave off seconds, one thing I decided was to lose the socks. I don't swim in socks or bike in socks, so I need to lose the socks for the run. This means I had to build up callouses where my shoes rub my feet or I'd be blistered and hobbling on the run. So for the last few months I've been running without socks to absorb my sweat and odor. Yikes. It didn't take long for my shoes to become malodorous. Pungent. Yes, even rancid. I washed them three weeks ago in hopes of eliminating the funk. No such luck. Now it just smelled like someone put lavender in raw sewage. Nice.

The first time it hit me how bad it was we were going on a trip and I was driving. On long trips I like to drive barefoot and keep the car on cruise control. I took off my running shoes (they are easy-on/easy-off, remember) and after about 30 seconds, started laughing through the tears in my eyes and put them back on. My bride asked what was so funny and I could barely speak. She found out last week when we went camping. I took off my shoes in the tent and she got mad.

Now my shoes are gone. I lost them. In the house. I have no idea what happened to them. I would accuse my wife of throwing them out, but she's more upset that I have to spend money on new ones. But I have to have them. It's probably time, anyway. They have about 250 miles on them, I'm guessing. Maybe more. But I remember thinking the first time I smelled something musty, "What's that smell?" It was new to me. I'd never had shoes smell like that before, so I didn't know immediately what it was. It didn't take long to track it down and once I did, it made perfect sense. "Ah. Now I see."

Gentlemen, are there any funny smells in your marriage? Is there something unfamiliar (or maybe even vaguely familiar) in your relationship that just plain stinks? It could be anything. Is there something so vile and offensive to your wife that you need to make it disappear? Maybe your attitude stinks. Maybe your words are sometimes nauseating. Is there a habit that your bride gets upset about, possibly because it's taking more time than you're giving her. I've found that my bride doesn't mind my hobbies or interests. She just doesn't like it when she has to compete with them for my attention. It just plain stinks.

What's that smell, guys? Find it. Identify it. Get rid of it. Or you may find it disappearing anyway. Along with your family.

Enjoy Yourself

2009-08-06T10:54:00.005-04:00

I'm sorry it's been so long since I posted. My bride, daughter and I went back to see some family and we were away from internet the entire time. My e-mail box had hundreds of e-mails, and some of them were from people I actually knew. The rest were from subscribed-to tips, boards, etc. Yay.

So I'm back. While I enjoyed our time away, it's always good to come back home. While we were away, my wife and I lamented our own mattress and our own schedule. We longed for our assigned seats on our couches and most of all, we desired time alone together. There, I said it. We missed our sex. Sometimes we like to push the twin beds together and enjoy each other. While we were gone we slept separately on two nights because the miserable mattress hurt my wife's joints and when we were back in a shared bed, it was in the corner of the common room in her parents' cabin. On the floor beside us, sleeping on a fold out foam chair-bed, was our daughter. The set up was practical for sleeping, but not much else. So we could browse but not shop. We could look but not touch. And we longed for our release into each other.

We were able to publicly display our affection. We kissed and held hands and joked at each other. She got the occasional quick and subtle "I miss you" crotch grab and I got to squeeze her rear or breast in a quick hug and kiss. Most of the time, however, we just loved each other. We would give each other quick kisses and hand grabs as we passed in the hall or sat together on the couch. I would rub her feet or stroke her back as we sat talking with her family. One time I leaned over the back of the chair she was in and gave her a quick kiss on the lips as I passed by. When I looked up, her mom was watching us with a smile on her face. For a second I was embarrassed, then quickly relieved and even excited.

While it may not seem like a big deal to you, it was a huge step of progress to me. For our entire courtship, engagement, and marriage up to this point, any time I would touch my bride's knee or kiss her, if her mom would see us, I would get either a glare or a look of sadness, almost remorse. She's never been one to show marital affection. I don't fully know her background, only what my wife has shared, but I know there's a "propriety" to her demeanor, a narrow window of what is appropriate to show. But now she's pushing sixty and I think she's glad to see her daughter in a happy marriage. I wonder if she longs for the love she wanted so badly to receive. Her husband loves her in an "I work all day to provide a home, but I'm fishing on Saturday, see you at six with fish you can cook" kind of way. They are comfortable together, but not passionate. They share a new interest that doubles as a business and they spend their time enjoying their hobby/work together. But when they speak to each other, their tones are either business-like or are halting, slightly elevated and in some ways awkward to watch. But their relationship has finally mellowed, which is a relief to the kids.

I think the biggest shock to me came the day we were leaving. I was packing up our stuff with my mother-in-law sitting there talking to me when my bride came in from getting ready in the bathroom. And the most bizarre/unnerving/humorous/encouraging conversation took place. Here is the transcript straight from the tape in my head:

MIL (Mother-In-Law): "There she is."
Bride: "Hey, Momma." bending over to put her stuff in her bag
MIL: "I like your outfit."
Bride: "Thank you. [Groom] got it for me for our anniversary last year."
MIL: "Those pants make your butt look great."
(this is where I replayed the last sentence repeatedly in my head as I turned to look at her and she smiled at me. Without missing a beat, my bride, smiling carried on:)
Bride: "[Groom] thinks so. He likes my butt" and my bride flashed me a big smile.
MIL: "Your daddy likes mine, too, even though it's old and fat."

Let me tell you that the surreal part of that conversation was that it happened at all. Add to that that it was initiated by my reserved mother-in-law, and further still, she did it in front of me, and that's all a great big pot of "What did she just say?" stewing in my head. I replayed it several times. My father-in-law was out at the time, so this was just girl talk between a mother and daughter.

I have to say, I thoroughly enjoyed it. Do you know why? Because I've never heard MIL talk like that before. It was refreshing and freeing. That conversation, combined with the approving smile when she saw me kiss her daughter gave me a sense of approval that I hadn't really had in our entire marriage. This week was a breakthrough in many areas for a few relationships and I'm glad we went, but this one conversation told me something that I had hoped was happening all along in my IL's home, but had my doubts about: they were enjoying themselves.

Let me ask you a question, guys. Are you enjoying yourself? Do you and your bride enjoy each other? I've been finding out in the last couple of years that a good marriage can be fun. I'm really enjoying my bride. Yes, sexually, but also painting our house together, driving eight hours to see family together, laughing and joking with the nurses in the ER while one of us waits for test results. Enjoying yourself and each other doesn't have to be a result of your environment. It's a result of your heart being united. Of course we enjoyed each other on our honeymoon and on our annual sex weekends. We enjoy each other on date nights and game days. But we also enjoy each other on the mission field in a foreign country and when we're shopping in Wal-mart. We even enjoy each other lying side-by-side in bed chatting on Facebook.

Gentlemen, make every opportunity a chance to enjoy yourself and each other. Make sure your bride knows how much you enjoy her and give her every opportunity to enjoy you, too.

She Don't Know She's Beautiful

2009-07-14T12:04:00.003-04:00

Several years ago we lived in Texas and we liked it. It was there that we listened to some country music. We had never listened to it much and now we don't again, but for that three or four years in the Big D, there were more country radio stations than people, and they were actually high quality. It was there that we first listened to Brooks and Dunn, George Strait, Bryan White, Shania Twain, and Deena Carter. There was also a song called "Going Through the Big D and Don't Mean Dallas" where the singer was talking about divorce. The reason I remember the song, apart from the catchy tune, is that one of the local radio stations did a humorous rendition of their own called, "Gotta Take a Big D and Don't Mean Dallas". To give you a gist of the song's bent, here are the opening lines:

I gotta take a big D and don't mean Dallas.
Shoulda passed on the fish and just had the salad.

It made me laugh as I was driving my delivery truck all around the Metroplex.

There was another song that came out at that time called, "She Don't Know She's Beautiful". It's a great love song put out by Sammy Kershaw. Here's a video of Sammy doing a live version, followed by the lyrics for you to consider:

We go out to a party somewhere
The moment we walk in the door
People stop and everybody stares
She don't know what they're staring for

She don't know she's beautiful (never crossed her mind)
She don't know she's beautiful (no she's not that kind)
She don't know she's beautiful
Though time and time I've told her so

There she goes just walking down the street
And someone lets a whistle out
A girl like her she just can't see
What the fuss is all about

And she don't know she's beautiful (never crossed her mind)
She don't know she's beautiful (no she's not that kind)
She don't know she's beautiful
Though time and time I've told her so

Morning comes and her hair's all a mess
That's when she thinks she looks her worst
It's times like this she don't know why
I can't take my eyes off her

'Cause she don't know she's beautiful (never crossed her mind)
She don't know she's beautiful (no she's not that kind)
She don't know she's beautiful
Though time and time I've told her
She don't know she's beautiful (never crossed her mind)
She don't know she's beautiful (no she's not that kind)
She don't know she's beautiful
Though time and time I've told her
She don't know she's beautiful (never crossed her mind)
She don't know she's beautiful (no she's not that kind)
She don't know she's beautiful
Though time and time I've told her so

Can I be honest? That describes my bride to the hilt, especially as we were younger. As we've been together longer and as we have aged, our bodies have certainly changed, but my bride is more beautiful than ever. After carrying and giving birth to our daughter, my bride's body is different than it used to be. It's shaped differently and has scars and marks it didn't have before. I didn't bear any children and my body is different, too. You know what, though? I can't take my eyes off my bride. I can't keep my hands off of her. I HAVE to touch her and I HAVE to look at her. I daydream about her at work or when I'm in the car. I love to watch her get out of bed, come out of the shower, do her hair and make-up, cook, type on her computer, read to our little girl, and everything else. She's a huge distraction to me all the time.

I watch her when she doesn't know I'm watching and when she catches me, she just smiles shyly and tries to get back to what she was doing. It wasn't too long ago that she would catch me looking and would say, "What?" Now she just knows: I can't help it. She doesn't even brush my hand away when I touch one of her surgical scars. She knows they aren't disfigurements to me. It's who she is. That little bump on her nose is her. That hip shake when she walks is her. The developing crow's feet at her eyes are her moving from gorgeous to gorgeous-er (is that a word? It's certainly a sentiment!).

Finally, she's beginning to believe me when I tell her how beautiful she is. She knows better than to argue a point she can't win. She still doesn't see herself as beautiful the way I do, but she's beginning to understand that she can't talk me out of it. And it makes her feel good.

Gentlemen, do your wives know they are beautiful? More importantly do they know that YOU know they are beautiful? Do they have the assurance from your touch and words and passion that there is none other than the one you married? If you want your wife to have that assurance, fellow groom, you have to give it to her. You need to tell her and show her and tell and show your children and neighbors and family and strangers at the mall, that you are smitten by your bride. She may never grace the cover of Cosmo, but if her picture is posted on your desk or as your computer wallpaper, that's a beaming display of her beauty.

Just a reminder, though: you still have to get your work done.

Yikes.

2009-07-07T22:37:00.002-04:00

Our friends aren't like us. But they're our friends. We love them dearly.

And we pity them. It's not entirely their fault, but we really don't know what to say. We don't live near them anymore and when we did, we weren't all that different. Now that we only see them about once a year for a few days of vacation, it's tough to know what, or if, to say.

First let me say that they love each other very much and they are very jovial. They laugh and joke and prod, much like my bride and I; only not like my bride and I. They say things and imply things that we would never say about, much less to, each other. It's hard to watch because we see the looks on their faces as they exchange jabs. It's not hard for us to see when one goes too far.

It hadn't occurred to me until last year when we met them for a vacation together. We were at a family resort and when our little girls wanted to swim, the husbands were going to swim with them while the wives sat in the lounge chairs and talked and watched us. As I took off my shirt to get in, my friend also began taking off his shirt.

"What are you doing?", asked his wife.
"Getting in the pool."
"You're not taking your shirt off. You haven't shaved your back in a while. Leave it on." He immediately looked defeated and got in with his t-shirt. My bride and I looked at each other sheepishly, incredulous and dumb-founded. All week this went on.

That was a year ago. This year they came to our house to see us (they hadn't been here before). Today we took them to the beach. We laughed and talked. He took all of our daughters into the waves, holding hands and the wives and I stood in the coming tide and laughed about lots of things: the poop that washed up right beside us, funny tattoos and swimsuit choices, people trying their best to skim board...

And the whole conversation was peppered with jabs back and forth as he would come in from the waves to talk for a moment before taking the girls back out. She would forbid him from removing his shirt in public (either hairy or chubby or both), and he would call her a nagging cow. She would brag about her resistance to his sexual advances, and he would make another comment about her weight. Ah, love.

All the while, my bride and I can't keep our eyes or hands off each other. Always touching, hugging, groping. I leaned over to give her a quick kiss and she grazed my lip with her tongue. Our friends didn't catch it, but I did. And it made me feel good. In the midst of listening to our friends deride each other consistently, my wife made a bold declaration of her love for me. Wow.

Gentlemen, we must reconsider the way we treat our wives and the way we allow our wives to treat us. Let us be clear on our boundaries of acceptable words and behaviors. But we must lead by example. We cannot demand respect from our wives and cut them with our words. Humor is a good thing. However, it must be used wisely. Become sensitive enough to your wife's cues that you can tell in an instant how she feels about your comment or behavior. As I am working on my relationship with my bride, she has seemingly become more transparent. I don't know if it's my perception being more clear, or if it's her emotions becoming more expressive. Either way when I see that I have done something insensitive, I can almost immediately see that and can apologize. Even better, I can file it away and remember what I said or how I said what caused such hurt in her.

So take note, fellow groom. Encourage your wife in her beauty, splendor, kindness, giftedness, talents, passion, etc. Keep it at the forefront of your mind so that it spills over at every opportunity. And protect your marriage from attitudes like those of our friends.

Yikes.

Seeing Things

2009-07-06T11:26:00.004-04:00

Rough couple of weeks for celebrities. In the course of a few days Michael Jackson, Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, Robert McNamara, and former NFL quarterback Steve McNair all died. Now this isn't surprising statistically. Each day over 150,000 people die. However, the surprise is that some of these individuals were "icons".

At least, that's what we're told. Each of the above individuals made his or her impact in their world. McNair was an NFL MVP. McMahon was the famous sidekick of Johnny Carson. Farah Fawcett was the blonde sex symbol and the most-favored of Charlie's Angels. McNamara was the Secretary of Defense under Kennedy, Johnson and during the Viet Nam War. But Michael Jackson has been the talk of the news world for the last two weeks. The issues are many: his comeback tour, unreleased music, conflicting wills, custody of his children, the autopsy and cause of death, the negligence of his doctors, future plans for Neverland, the lottery for his funeral, the image of his face in a tree stump, his massive debt, the....what? Tree stump?

Yeah. Face in a tree stump. Actually it's more of a sawed-off limb on a birch tree than a tree stump, but it's there nonetheless. I suppose. Judge for yourself. The picture's right up there. Do you see it? Anything? I didn't either. One of the things that surprised me was that one of the family members said, "To Stockton, Michael Jackson meant more to us than maybe Jesus did to some people. I think they're both about even; they're both icons."

Yeah, they're the same. "King of Pop" and "King of Kings"; I'd say that's about equal.

Not.

I could go on all day about the hubbub over the deaths of these celebrities. They're all tragic. Death always is, regardless of how we may personally feel about the person who died. There are always those who grieve. And grief does funny things to people sometimes. We react to tragedies and disappointments and traumas in certain ways, sometimes even seeing things that aren't really there.

We do it with all kinds of things. We see things from a slanted perspective when we are already hurting. We hear things that aren't said, and we say things we don't mean. We imagine things that aren't taking place. We believe rumors we know aren't true. I could go on and on. I remember a few months ago, a woman in our church appeared to abruptly leave her husband. In reality, this had been brewing for a long time, but from the outside it seemed sudden. She volunteered under my ministry and I had to ask her to step down in order to work out her issues. It was something that could be revisited, but in the meantime we followed the biblical understanding. She agreed with me when I spoke with her, but when she relayed it to her husband, he bit me. Not physically obviously, but he blamed the church leadership for pushing her away. I was even accused of breaking up their marriage by asking her to step down. That hurt and it began to cause me to doubt if I had done the right thing, which the pastors had all agreed to. Since then, we've worked everything out although she is still not serving and they are still working through a divorce. I was reminded that "A wounded dog will bite you even if you're trying to help it."

We have to be careful to see things as they really are, especially in our marriages, gentlemen. Our brides may say things that are hurtful, even if it seems out of character. She may accuse you of something even without evidence, because she is hurt somehow. We also have to watch our words and our responses to our wives when we are wounded. James tells us that the tongue is like a small spark that can ignite a raging inferno. We need to learn to control our tongues. When we see something that doesn't sit quite right or when our wives say something that seems demeaning or accusatory, the best thing we can do is to stop imagining and to listen. Letting her speak and holding our tongue while we listen. Then we can begin to ask questions about what she has seen or heard that is bothering her. Is it the way you speak to your secretary or a woman from church? Rather than writing these things off as accusatory and ridiculous, sometimes we ought to weigh the reality and the perception, and take steps to make sure our boundaries are clear. My bride has called me out on things and as a result of her grief and fear, I have learned to set more defined boundaries and my heart has been drawn back even more to my bride.

Like the face in the tree stump, often some things will be seen when they are not really there. But it's always as a result of a deeper issue. Maybe grief. Maybe fear or insecurity. Maybe past experience. Look for it, guys. Be careful what you see and hear, and be careful what you say. Keep your lenses clean and your vision will be more clear.

Acting My Age

2009-07-01T09:54:00.002-04:00

A couple of nights ago I was going out making visits for our church. I usually drive our van, but it had a lot of stuff in it, so I took my Kia, the car I usually drive around so my wife can drive the good car. I was teamed up with another young man, a college student. We hadn't been driving too long when he looked down at the stock gearshift in my economy car and said, "You should get an 8-ball shifter knob. That would look really cool.

"Yeah," I replied, "and I could get spinners and running lights. I could really pimp this out." Then I rolled my eyes and said, "Listen, I'm forty years old driving an old Kia. Even something as simple as an 8-ball shifter knob would look ridiculous on this car." He just laughed and we moved on to other topics of import. We visit together a lot, he and I, and our time in the car has allowed us plenty of opportunity to talk about manly stuff, movies, music, chicks, and even theology.

But the 8-ball comment really sat on me this time. Not in a bad way; it just got me thinking. I guess as I get older I begin to see what's important. I remember when I got my first car, I had to get a new stereo and speakers. The guy I was working for said, "I've got a wife and kids; new speakers are at the bottom of my list." Now I understand better, and until my college buddy made that comment to me I had forgotten about the comment from another husband and father my senior when I mentioned my new car stereo. At twenty-one when I was in a band, clear sound was important to me. When I would drive back to my college an hour away to practice with my band, I would eat fig newtons, drink orange crush, and blast my stereo with the windows down and my drums piled into my little hatchback. Good times.

As I've become older, however, my priorities have shifted. A lot. And I hope yours have, too. While I used to spend Sunday afternoons playing football with my friends, now I don't even watch it on television. I'll play Candyland or Operation or Gowns and Crowns. Instead of doing a Die Hard marathon, I'm watching PS, I Love You. For the record, this doesn't have as much to do with age as it does priority. But being older helps me understand the necessity of the change. Now my Sunday afternoon football games would leave me lonely or getting roughed up with all the twenty-year-olds. Where are all the forty-year-olds? They're at home playing Chutes and Ladders with their kids. Or teaching them to swim or play catch or coaching their kids soccer games. If they don't have kids, they are napping (or "napping"-wink, wink) with their wives or at the flea market. Here I am a former rocker and I walked upstairs last week to tell my daughter to turn down her Disney Princess CD player/jewelry box because I could hear Miley Cyrus all the way downstairs. Acting my dad's age.

But these aren't the only things. I also fold laundry. I clean toilets and showers so my wife doesn't have to. I tell her to lie down so I can fix supper. I rub her feet. I check my daughter's teeth after she brushes them herself. I read her stories and fix her toys. I answer her questions about why some people's skin is different colors while I iron her church dress. I explain why we can't have a puppy and why she has to feed her guinea pig every day. I pick up the couch when her guinea pig runs under it so my little girl can go get her. I take a day off work not to play golf or go to a game with my buddies, but to volunteer at my daughter's school and to help my bride with her class. I question my own motives for speaking and acting before my bride has to do that for me. I talk to my bride about difficult topics and listen as she addresses them with me.

Guys, if you haven't already, it may be time to let go of some things. Who you were is not who you are. Once you got married it became time for you to grow up. And for your wife to grow up, too. I'm not talking about getting boring, but I am talking about maturing. We grooms can not afford to live for ourselves anymore. I don't get to come and go as I please like I could when I was young and single. And my wife doesn't either. She has freedom to do what she needs to do and if she says, "I'm going to lunch and shopping with ___, I need to be fine with that. She's responsible with money and she knows she's committed to me, so I don't have to worry about her. So she has freedoms.

And so do you, guys. Take advantage of your freedom. Take care of your family. Take questions from your kids. Take time for your marriage. And leave nothing to chance.

First Things First

2009-06-24T13:30:00.002-04:00

This week I'm at student camp. I'm running around a college campus with teenagers for five days, mingled in with three other camps on the same campus. It's been a good week so far, and it will be interesting to see what happens the rest of the week. The main speaker for the week is really giving it to us hard. The FIRST NIGHT he talked to us about being committed, dedicated. "Set your priority," he said, "and order everything else around that. Ouch. We've been told to stop making excuses, to actually read the Bible for ourselves, to stop being so dependent on pastors and teachers and to go straight to the Source.

That's a challenge for me, even in marriage. When I run into an issue, I usually tend to tack prayer on to whatever resources are available. I will read relationship books, talk to friends I can trust, read articles, listen to tapes, THEN go to the Scripture and pray about it. Ooops. By the time I seek God's desire on what to do, often my mind is already made up. As long as I've been a Christian and as long as I've been married (14 years today) I still seem to mix up my priorities.

A friend contacted me telling me about some struggles with his wife, actually more with himself. They've been married more than 20 years. He wants to help grow their marriage, but that means being confrontational on issues, opening himself up to rejection and refusal, and speaking to his wife about what bothers him. It also means asking her to tell him what bothers her, possibly bringing change that is uncomfortable or even painful at the outset. All of this worries him and has caused him to avoid speaking to her about it to some extent. Another friend of mine who has only been married two years (they are both on their third marriage) is trying to figure out how to address a sensitive issue with his wife, and when. He knows it's coming, but does he really want to jump the gun on it? That's his concern.

Two words, my friends: me, too.

So, where do we all go from here? I guess we revisit our priorities. What is the most important thing? For those of us who are followers of Christ, shouldn't it be the pursuit of holiness? In other words, should we not be doing what God calls us to do (obedience), which in turn shapes us further into His image? And being grooms, doesn't that mean that our next priority would be to help our wives and children to pursue holiness and to become further shaped into God's image as well? If so, we will be uncomfortable much of the time, and we will upset others some of the time, but ultimately God speaks to us as He did to Joshua: "Don't be afraid. Be strong." And don't forget what Jesus tells us: "I'm with you always." What about this encouragement: "We know that He who promised is faithful."

Listen, gentleman. I don't tell you these things as one who has achieved absolute boldness and courage in facing issues under my own roof, but as a fellow traveler who huddles under the same tarp with you, rain pouring down. "Okay, guys, who's going first? You go first and then report back." Nope. We all have to face our own struggle. You don't know my wife, but God does. And He's got an inside man. The Holy Spirit Who is at work in me is also at work in my wife. So I'd be foolish not to listen to Him, wouldn't I? Wouldn't you?

Now, if you're not a believer in Jesus, or if your wife isn't, that doesn't mean you have to give up hope. As someone once said, "God's still in the business of changing lives." God's desire is still for strong marriages and strong families. But not at the expense of our souls.

So, pay attention, groom! Not only to me and not only to the "relationship experts", but mostly to God. Ask Him first. Listen to what He says, pay attention to where He's going and follow Him there. And while you're at it, bring your family along.

There's a Crab in My Shoe!

2009-06-13T08:35:00.004-04:00

That's not a euphemism. There really was a crab in my shoe.

Let me 'splain, Lucy.

I haven't been able to cut the grass for the last two weeks between my odd schedule and the regular rainfall (see previous post). So a couple of days ago I was finally in a position to get out and mow the lawn (after loaning my riding mower to a friend with an injured foot, my wife made me promise to mow it every week, even though I'm using a push mower now). Well, I came home from work, put on my grass-cuttin' clothes, went out to the garage and sat on the steps to put on my grass-cuttin' shoes. My shoes had been sitting in the garage since the last time I cut the grass, so I'm always afraid that something with more legs than me, would have made a home in my footwear.

I picked up the left shoe, banged the heel on the ground and turned it upside down to let whatever was in there, fall out: a couple of leaves, a pebble, a small mulch nugget. After putting it on and tying it, I did the same with my right shoe. Nothing fell out. I put my foot in and my toe hit something solid in the end. Now, when I bought the shoes, I thought they would stretch a little, but they never did, so they were a little small for comfort which is why they made such a quick rotation to "work shoe". As a result I thought that maybe my toe was hitting the tip of the shoe where the sole comes up the toe. It seemed a little odd, but still, it didn't feel like a rock or anything. So off comes the shoe. Another couple of bangs on the garage floor, a tip upside down, and out falls...

This isn't really the crab that fell out of my shoe, but it was similar. It was a little brown/gray crab that would have been hard to see against the brown/gray dirt in our area. But his body was about an inch around and then he had his little legs and little claws.

As soon as he hit the carpet, he sat there for a second, then ran sideways under the refrigerator just a couple of feet away. At first I just sat there staring at it because I couldn't believe it, then I started laughing. I couldn't believe it. This was so ridiculous it was funny. I've always been a little nervous of getting bitten by a spider in my shoe (did you see Arachnaphobia?), but never a crab.

Until now.

That's all I needed was another creature to be paranoid about finding in my shoe. Of course I debated with myself about telling my wife because she would laugh at me and use it against me for future pranks at my expense. But I did tell her and she got a kick out of it.

So how, grooms, can we parlay this information into improving our marriage? Hmmmmm.....

No idea. I just thought you'd enjoy the story.

Leaving My Windows Down

2009-06-09T21:03:00.002-04:00

It's been an especially rainy year for me. Literally. And I'm pretty glad about it for the most part. The place we moved from to come here was in a drought for a long time. In fact, it still is. We had bought our first house and it was a nice little house with a good-sized yard and a great view of mountains. It was a nice neighborhood and we loved that house. We lived there for more than eight years. In the course of those eight years, I couldn't get my grass to grow. I tried everything I knew to do and took the advice of everyone who would give it. Finally I called the lawn experts.

Scotts.

And so my question was posed through an e-mail to the lawncare experts who answered such e-mails for Scotts: "I need help getting my lawn to do well. It is a tall fescue grass. The soil is red clay and the yard has a slight slope toward the street. We have been in a drought for six years and are also on a total water ban. What can I do to help my lawn grow?"

And from the experts: "Nothing."

That was it. That was literally the expert answer to my situation.

Then a couple of years ago we move north a little bit and my grass is doing pretty well. The soil is a mix of sand and clay, it's level, and when I put out seed and fertilizer, it actually soaks into the soil and produces grass. The grass I already have is darker and grows quickly. Last year I had to use sprinklers, but this year I haven't even hooked up the hose. So why is that?

Because I leave my windows down.

"I'm sorry. What was that?"

That's right. I drive a very basic car. It's a stick shift, no power anything and is a few years old. Frankly, I don't take care of it the way I should, but I won't get much on the trade-in anyway when I finally decide to trade it. As a result, I don't typically lock it and I usually leave the windows down so I don't scorch my hands on the steering wheel. As a result, it gets rained in a lot. If I know it's going to rain, I'll make sure they're up, but if I don't suspect it, I don't leave them up "just in case". So now I have a joke when people mention how much it rains, I just tell them it's because I leave my car windows down. That's my lot in life. To quote the queen ant in A Bug's Life: "That's my lot in life; it's not a lot, but it's my life."

Okay, Groom, is this story going somewhere? Not really.

I'm just kidding. The question, however, is: how do you respond to rain? How does your marriage grow? Like the experts at Scotts told me, nothing is going to grow without rain. This past weekend my bride and I had a talk. I had apparently said something during a teaching that stared her down and called her by name. I didn't do it. I had several people tell me that my lesson spoke right to them. Of course, it wasn't me doing the talking. I just taught what I thought needed to be taught. When my beautiful wife told me afterward that I had upset her with what I taught, I had to reassure her that I wasn't talking to or about her specifically. But she felt differently.

The truth is so blindingly obvious to us sometimes and it hurts. It's easy to take it as a personal offense, but it's for our own growth. We can ignore it and harden ourselves to it, or we can accept the rain, take it to the roots and flourish. Sometimes we have to have those talks that make us or our brides uncomfortable, even angry. But it is what comes from those talks that brings growth.

When I talk of the rain coming because I leave my windows down, that's a light-hearted jab at my luck. I wipe off my dashboard, put a towel in my seat and drive on. In my relationship with my wife, a similar response is necessary: talk it out, clean up the mess, and move forward.

Accept the rain, guys, all the way to the roots, and watch your marriage grow beyond your expectations.

With or Without You

2009-06-01T16:50:00.003-04:00

One of the best songs ever, in my humble but accurate opinion, is "With or Without You" by U2. I like the old U2 albums, moreso than the newer: The Joshua Tree, Rattle and Hum, Under a Blood-Red Sky. Those albums housed the anthems of my formative years. One of the songs I liked, still do, actually, is "With or Without You". It is a lament over the torment of being in a relationship and also of losing that relationship. Neither is easy. There are joys and struggles in being alone and in being committed.

A friend of mine on a forum asked a series of questions that bring both "oh, the horror" type thoughts and the practicalities of a real-life situation. It is a situation that some think about, but dread, some never think about, and some get offended at even the mention of it: a widowed remarriage. In other words, "If your spouse died, would you remarry?" Following the initial blunt-force blow to the heart was a series of questions about dealing with the emotions and the practicalities of such an issue.

I don't mind telling you that my bride and I have discussed this, causing us both to become red in the face: me from embarrassment, her from anger. If I'm not mistaken, the question first arose while watching a movie in which the young widower meets a local lady and an attraction grows. It is at this point in the previously innocuous picture show, that my wife turns to me and says, "If I died before you, would you remarry?"

GULP!

Now, according to the Mars company, what I really needed at this point was a Twix bar to cram into my mouth while I thought of an answer. Curse my disdain for such chocolate-coated goodness!

But this was a difficult question thrown out at the least opportune time: when I was present. Now let me shed some light on these kinds of questions. There's no good answer. It doesn't matter how you answer, there will always be a follow-up to question your integrity or to give you store credit to supplies to build your own dog house. And this question is far more important than the typical, "Does this dress make me look fat?" Everyone knows that when that question comes up the only decent response is, "Sweetie, it's not the dress."

But we're talking life or death here. As soon as the question left her lips, I took out my relational Mapquest to find the shortest route to an acceptable destination. And of course, Mapquest was inaccurate, leading me to dead ends and u-turns and left turns onto roads that aren't there and misnaming exits. Aaaarrgggh! As we conversed I was three-point-turning all over the place, but to no avail. The more I talked, the hotter she got. Soon enough the fire from her eyes dried up my eyeballs like raisins and they fell out of their sockets onto the couch to be lost between the sofa cushions.

So pardon any typos as I'm writing this blind, my empty raisin-holes tearing up in remorse.

Obviously, the issue of remarriage after death is a difficult decision, and one that cannot truly be made until actually faced with the option. In that case, does the deceased really have much of an opinion? I mean, truly? Pardon me if this sounds sexist, because it really isn't, but it appears from conversation that the women respond in a drastically more emotional manner than the men do (GASP!). If a man, like I did, answers "I think so, yes." The immediate response from the wife seems to run the route of picturing her husband bringing his new girlfriend to the funeral and saying, "Hey, preacher, while you're here with all our friends, would you mind going ahead and doing a wedding, too?"

She seems to have an image in her mind that he's got someone picked out, they've worked it all out and now all they're doing is biding their time for his wife to keel over. Obviously that's not what the man is thinking. He's probably thinking, "I'm sure at some point I'll want some companionship and I think the kids need a woman as a role model and to help take care of them." Granted, that's a stereotype and not entirely accurate, but according to my wife's response to my answer and by our continued conversation, she is able to assure me that no matter how long she lives, even if she could do it guilt-free with my blessing, there is no way that she would ever get married again, and I'm a selfish lout for even considering the possibility. I must not really love her or our daughter if I'm even willing to cast our love aside and bring another woman into our still-warm bed. The nerve!

Let me make something very clear. The last thing I want is for either of us pass away. In my ideal, the Rapture would come, taking all three of us to heaven together. Second only to that is that she and I die simultaneously. But neither of those is guaranteed.

Gentlemen, let us be wise in the discussions we have with our wives. Let us be sensitive to their hearts. Let us not make promises we can't fufill, nor force our wives to make such promises. And that's what this discussion is, really. Isn't this a desire for control even from beyond the grave? Shouldn't the surviving spouse make that decision all alone? After all, it doesn't affect the dead.

That Thing You Do

2009-05-25T16:37:00.004-04:00

A little detour today to talk about physical intimacy. Sex, if you prefer.

As much as we hate to admit it, in a marriage some things are thermometers (they measure the temperature) and some things are thermostats (they control the temperature). Sex is actually both. A vibrant sex life is evidence of openness and emotional intimacy. Likewise, frequent and passionate sex adds warmth to the remainder of the marital relationship. Opposite is a cool marriage where spouses are more roommates and friends than passionately expressive of their love. Such a marriage likely has a dull and infrequent, possibly non-existent, sex life. Ancient history stored up, shift of focus, mishandled priorities, and shattered emotions can all converge on a once-healthy relationship to wear down the gears and to clog the fuel lines of a once well-oiled machine that is a strong marriage.

I don't speak from the volumes of books I've read on marriage and sex and dating and friendships and relationships in general, although I have gained much from such resources. Rather I speak from my own experience. You can trust me on this. At a men's Bible study a few weeks ago we talked about Jacob, renamed Israel, and what he gained from wrestling with God. One thing he got was a limp. The gentleman leading the study quoted a friend who said, "I don't trust a man who doesn't walk with a limp.

Well, I'm limping, guys, right along with you. For the first 12 years of my marriage I was a great big idiot. I'm still pretty much a moron, but at least I'm trying to wise up. When I say I was an idiot I'm talking about the way I treated and didn't treat my wife. I never intended to hurt her, and in my defense, at least a little, she didn't communicate her feelings with me all that well either. But I can't blame her. I didn't catch on. I didn't change. I put my own desires above hers and claimed them as "ours". I wasn't a downright jerk about it. I just didn't get it and didn't ask for clarification. I was never mean, just out to lunch.

As a result, our once passionate sex life gradually cooled, further separating us, which in turn cooled our bed, and on and on the cycle continued. While for some this may not seem infrequent, for us our frequency of lovemaking had dwindled to once every 2-3 months. And that time of sex was far from glorious. I was a selfish lover, only hoping that my wife could achieve orgasm with little more from me than some "passionate" kissing, a little breast play and holding off to penetrate for a couple of minutes. Once intercourse did occur it was pleasurable for both of us, but not mind-blowing for her as she had not had time to become adequately aroused. So it wasn't until years later that I realized I had better fix some things.

I moved from a high-stress, little reward ministry position to a new position far away. At this new ministry, the other pastoral staff had their vacations on the calendar and set an example for me of putting (after Christ) my marriage first, then my child, then my church ministry. That first day at the office, they all left when the posted office hours ended. They kiss their wives in front of church members and show me that their marriage is their first ministry and it's expected that I be a husband and father before a pastor. So, in that freedom, I have learned to refocus on being a husband and a father.

I realized soon enough that one of the things I needed to do was to reconnect with my wife. As we moved (which was a tense decision) we left her family in turmoil, a ministry she had come to enjoy, and into a culture she didn't understand. I had my work cut out for me. She got a job teaching and was able to get a state license with little extra effort and was given a difficult class. So she had been under a great deal of stress. I had been trying to romance her between her chronic pain, stressful job, hectic schedule, family history, and our own struggles. So I decided I would let her know what I had in mind for her at the first opportunity.

So at the opportune time I whispered into her ear, "Just so you know, when school gets out for Christmas break in two weeks, I'm going to ravish you." Her reaction was immediate and a little shocking: her knees buckled and she let out a nervous giggle. Over the course of the next several days I would get more specific or give her a countdown: "In nine days, I'm going to bring you unspeakable pleasure."

"How?" she would ask. Or "Tell me more." And so I would give her a description of what to expect of our night together. See, I had begun to study the sexual response of women and how to bring her pleasure, through books and sites and web forums. What I discovered was that I was as excited to bring her these pleasures as she was to receive them. Things I had never done or had tried once or twice, but with neither passion nor proficiency, were now awaiting the full release of my eager desires.

It was then that the tide of our marriage began to turn. She began to smile more and just to give a kiss in the morning and at night (a staple of our relationship) became more than it was. When one of us would walk past the other in the bathroom naked or partly clothed, a wandering hand would graze the other's body: a pat, a graze, a light grip, tentative all. It was as if the idea of being desired aroused her interest in me, and my determination to desire her was all I needed to make it begin to take shape. Mind you, the magic night had not even arrived; it was simply the desire to desire, that changed our hearts. And when that night did arrive, it was all that I had hoped for. My trepidation at my inexperience passed away as I focused on giving her all the pleasure I had in mind for her. My effort won her body, but my desire won her heart. She was more responsive than she had ever been, driving me to greater passion to bring her even more pleasure! What used to take place in a matter of 20-30 minutes of mediocrity, for the first time in more than a decade, went late into the night. And the next day she moved toward me wanting an encore.

Her chronic pain had not subsided. But her passion for me was enboldened by my first-move of passionate display towards her. That two weeks of Christmas break brought more love-making and laughter and hand-holding and passing touch than the year preceding it. In the year-and-a-half since then we have maintained that passion, even increasing it. My bride has become more sexually expressive and has actually awakened me from my sleep in the middle of the night for sex! What changed? Did I suddenly get a Bowflex body? A salary increase? Penis enlargement? NO to all! I simply showed her that I desired her more and I took the effort to learn to bring her pleasure. And our sexual passion for each other has made us more in love than ever, laughing more freely, arguing less, dating more, and giving little gifts.

In later blogs, gentlemen, you will find out more of this story as it is still being written. But for now I'm encouraging you to face a hard evaluation of your marriage. Do you work to make your wife swoon? Do you still pursue her with gusto? Do people still roll their eyes at the affection you show the wife of your youth? Are other ladies jealous of your wife, and do other grooms complain that you're making them look bad?

Let me encourage you to make the first move. You may think you're wife won't respond, but push yourself to move toward her anyway. Buy her flowers and write her a letter for no reason. Offer her a full-body massage. Draw her a bath. Make her her favorite dinner or take her to her favorite restaurant without the kids. If she wants to get her hair and nails done, schedule the appointment for her and don't complain about the cost. Make plans to ravish her with pleasure and tell her when it's coming so she can anticipate it. And make it really good! In the short time that I have been making this effort, it has become second nature and the benefits to our marriage are beyond measure. Count the cost, and whatever it is, PAY IT!!

Thanks for Nothin'

2009-05-20T15:50:00.005-04:00

My daughter had her first-grade presentation earlier this week. Naturally I was there.

In the second row in an aisle seat.

With a video camera.

I'm a dork.

Anywho, so my bride, who teaches first grade at the school, had to be backstage for a little while to help them put on their cowboy hats and bandanas as they prepared to sing about bein' a cowboy or a cowgirl. My favorite song was "Saddle Sores". You can imagine a stage full of seven-year olds rubbing their hindparts and standing bow-legged. Who knows? Depending on where you live, that's a family reunion.

I kid.

So after it was over and we drove home in separate cars (I stopped to get an ice cream treat to take home for my ladies) and my bride was settled in on the couch, out of the blue, she smiled at me and said, "Thanks for going with us tonight." That surprised me. "Okay," I said. In my mind, however, I was thinking, "How could I not? Is it even optional?" To me, it's not. I have a child. My child performs once a year and plays six games of soccer in the fall. Last year I was kind of a default assistant coach because I was at every practice even when the real assistant coach (or even head coach sometimes) couldn't be there. That's not because I'm a great father. It's because it was too far away to drop her off. But I'm glad I stayed. I got to watch her run drills and kick the ball, then run to catch up with it and kick it again. Most of all I got to listen to her laugh. I love that.

So, my wife said thank you and I said okay. And that was it. But I've been thinking about it. I wondered why it was such a big deal to her that she felt she had to thank me. Soon enough it occurred to me. Her father hadn't. Not much anyway. He was at some things, but she didn't do very much, so he had few opportunities. It was her mom that took her places and set things up. And it was her mom who kept the house. And her mom cut the grass with a push mower. And her mom had dinner ready at 5:30 every night.

And her dad? Well, he worked. And he fished. And a few times he took one of the kids with him.

She has used the word "uninvolved" several times to refer to her father. So, to see her husband pick up his daughter, and coach her in soccer, and brush her hair, and iron her clothes, and read bedtime stories, and paint her fingernails, and teach her to swim, and baptize her...well, it means a lot to her. I can only imagine that it means more to her than it does to me. And it will probably mean more to my daughter when she gets older and looks back, than it does to me. Don't get me wrong! I enjoy doing it, but it's not a big deal. It's what I do. Reading isn't difficult, I can brush hair (into a ponytail, but nothing fancy), I can microwave ravioli, I know how to iron, I can take her on in a wrestling match, and her tickle spots aren't hard to figure out. So none of that is a big deal.

So why don't we do it more, gentlemen? Do we realize that much of what our children and spouses want from us, primarily attention, can be given with little sacrifice? How much time do you watch television each day? How much do you spend playing golf or fishing? Is a $200 driver and four hours on a $70 golf game, a bargain, but a $5 kids meal and an hour with your kid, a ripoff? What about your six-hour fly-fishing trip? Is all-day outing standing in the middle of a river, a relaxing "necessary" break, but a two-hour dinner date (which could lead to some mighty good love-makin') with your wife, a burden?

Gentlemen, I've come to realize how many times my wife and daughter have told me thank you for things that are easy, painless, and downright enjoyable for me to do. Looking back as I've thought about it, they have both expressed appreciation for things as small as buying an ice cream ($1) and as big as a trip to Walt Disney World. It's almost as if they don't realize that I enjoy it, too. But it works both ways. I make it a point to tell them both thank you for the things they do. As a result, my wife is more willing to serve me without complaint, and my daughter works harder to please me. She takes care of her guinea pig all by herself and she cleans her room the best she can. And she tells me with a smile, expecting to see me smile and tell her, "Thank you, Sweetie." and "I'm proud of you!" And my expressions of thanks are painless, too, and cost me nothing.

To be a groom, guys, sometimes takes big sacrifices: buying a mini-van instead of a Charger, and some small ones: going to watch tee-ball instead of the New York Yankees. But expressing gratitude for the little things costs nothing and it brings such pleasure to our wives and kids. If your wife cooks dinner or cleans or pays bills or works in the yard or does that thing you like in bed, you need to thank her. Flowers aren't always necessary and neither is a card, but you can work wonders in your wife and kids through adding a simple, free, painless word: "Thanks."

Stepping Up and Holding Fast

2009-05-12T08:56:00.004-04:00

Well, Mother's Day worked out fine. Everyone got their gifts when they were supposed to, and my own bride told me that for her, this was her best Mother's Day. She's only had a few, our daughter is about to turn seven. And for three years before that, Mother's Day was a reminder that she was unable to bear children. Yes, our daughter is a miracle. Literally. I'll tell you the story sometime, but for now, this was an update to my last post.

Now, on to the story. I was approached last night at church by a parent, a mom. Her son had come to church on Sunday with a splint and wrap and it turns out that he had fallen down a hill and possibly broken his wrist. He said he would be returning to the doctor to have it re-examined and to see if it needed to be broken, reset, and casted. So I asked her about it when I saw her last night and she confirmed that he had it reset and put in a hard cast for the next 6-8 weeks.

Then she rolled her eyes and gave me an update about his graduation status: she wasn't sure if he would be graduating. We talked a while about several things that affected it, and a lot of it came down to making deals with his father. His father, she said, is a good man and a great husband. He's very kind and gentle. And I would agree. He's a good guy and he loves his family. Her issue, she went on, is that he never learned how to be a dad. His dad worked a lot and they sent their son to boarding school. So here he is, a father who never had a father modeling fathering. And he's unsure how to hold that authority, the persistence and consistency and dedication to ideals that structure our kids to come out as mature and dedicated adults. Their kids are moral and upright. But neither of them is being molded by their father, and their mother is trying to both submit to her husband and to be the primary disciplinarian.

Over the course of years, the children have learned to bypass mom, strike a deal with dad, get what they want, then not follow through on their end of the bargain (bring up grades, get a job, etc.) As a result, one child is failing with only a month left in his school career (hopefully), and a daughter who demands attention and is a spoiled brat who won't take no for an answer. She wants me to talk to them both about providing a united front and to help her husband learn how to take a stand as a father and not be his children's "friend".

Gentlemen, let me make a plea to take a stand. If and when you have children, keep a distinct boundary of fatherhood. Yes, camp with your kids, roast marshmallows, play catch, teach them to swim, wrestle on the floor, read them stories, get involved in their interests, etc. But as their father, not their friend. As a father you have a responsibility to shape them into maturity. Set boundaries, command respect, teach them what it means to be a lady or a gentleman, to respect others, to show dignity, and to develop self-worth. Don't let them call you by your first name, don't allow them freedom to argue freely without consequence. Teach them obedience and submission, immediate action on responsibilities, apology and forgiveness (both giving and receiving-and, yes, you should sometimes apologize to your child when you are out of line), compassion and consequences. After all, your role as a husband and father is to be the very image of our Heavenly Father. Understanding and embracing that responsibility should shape the way you parent. Study Scripture, look up references to God as Father and the character traits that the Lord reveals of Himself, and be the image God called you to be.

Taking Care of Business

2009-05-09T18:02:00.005-04:00

We had a fight yesterday. Over Mother's Day. MOTHER'S DAY! Okay, so it wasn't over Mother's Day specifically. But it was one more gift-giving holiday that brings tension in our home. The reason is because my wife's parents have been married nearly 40 years. My parents are divorced, but my father remarried a widow. Later my mother remarried, but she is now a widow. We have a hard time finding balance between her family and mine.

So this week we decided what to get for our three "moms" and decided to send them off as soon as we could. Well, it didn't work out just the way we had agreed. One gift turned out to be more than we thought, making it more than the others, and one Post Office closes early on Saturdays meaning that the gift could not be "guaranteed" by Mother's Day. Both of those put me in hot water. I had to make an executive decision in a lose-lose situation. So she threw the same arguments at me and I finally snapped back. I shouldn't have, I know. I also usually don't say anything, which is the other extreme, allowing her to express her feelings freely, but not giving her the chance to know how I feel about something. I know. Dysfunctional.

But I have a terrible temper that I got from watching my dad, who got it from his dad. So I've spent the last 25 years learning to control my temper and part of that means letting some things go, even some that I shouldn't. But my wife feels safe. She isn't afraid of me and the fact that she can speak to me with the kind of boldness she now shows when she gets upset, is evidence of her comfort with me. She also calls me out on my errors, and usually she's right.

"So, Groom," you're asking, "is this a rant or what?"

The answer is no. This isn't a rant. After a little time I apologized and expressed my frustration at her response. She quickly apologized as well and expressed her appreciation for my effort, admitting that she still didn't understand the relationships in a blended family. I've heard that before as it's an ongoing theme with us. When the argument was over and apologies were offered, which were offered and received freely, we moved on. We went home, had some dinner, and spent some time playing with our daughter and watching Shrek.

And this morning, we made love. Not make-up sex. There was no anger left, no frustration, no grudges. We were past it. Nothing could be done to change the past nor to repair the situation. So I went and checked on the tracking of the gifts. They had arrived safely at their destinations. Even before we knew that, we laughed a lot today. We cuddled and laughed. She made fun of me as she always does and I returned in kind.

Our fights are few and far between and they almost always revolve around the tensions of our extended family. Maybe this is why God told us to leave and cleave. The two becoming one. We don't feel near the tension to please our families as we did more than a decade ago when we were still newlyweds. Now we are more keen on priorities. We have started taking romantic getaways together, and we've started taking family vacations with just the three of us not going to the grandparents' house. Gatlinburg, Disney World, DC, and soon enough, Hershey Park. We are a family. We keep each other up front and top of the list. We mess up, apologize, move on. And laugh.

Gentleman, is there a grudge against your wife? Is there something you can't get past? I urge you to get past it. Drop it, kick it out and change the locks. Your time is short enough. Your extended family and friends may not understand their change in poll position, but your wife will certainly appreciate it. Apologies are free and so is forgiveness. Offer both freely and waste no more time. Maybe your wife won't trust your apology because she's never heard one. Change her mind. Make it a habit. Whether you feel you did nothing wrong is irrelevant. If she has been offended, you owe her an apology. The love of a good woman is a rare treasure that should be cared for and displayed, not buried.

Taking the Lead

2009-05-05T11:45:00.004-04:00

"Show me a man who leads like he ought to lead, I'll show you a woman who is madly in love with that man...If that was her reason for marrying and she wanted that and she found that, she has found a point of fulfillment, and he finds in her such delight and there are not words to describe the ecstasy."--Chuck Swindoll

There are plenty of places to go online and find in the ongoing debate about who should lead in the home and what happens when the man doesn't lead, or what if the wife is a better leader. The first draft of this post dealt with that (so if you read my post in the first 2o minutes it was posted, I apologize for digging so deep, as I promised a friend not to do here). But re-writing it is better. It's still important to talk about leading our families and being leaders in our marriages, but this is supposed to encourage and challenge grooms, not devastate them.

Marriage is hard. Leading in a marriage is harder. Start having children and becoming parents and another issue of leadership arises. So I want to go simple. There is one word that describes the best leadership principle in marriage. This single word is a wrapper filled with love, devotion, service, risk-taking, decision-making, counsel-seeking, humility, passion, affection, wisdom, and trust. I'm sure there's more, but hopefully that list is sufficient to make my point. What is that wrapper, that all-inclusive single word that encompasses such a depth of leadership?

Sacrifice.

Okay, so it's not such a simple word, but it's still singular, yet so broad. If we can master sacrifice, our marriages will be drastically changed. The passion of a woman for whom sacrifices are made cannot be contained. If she recognizes those sacrifices, her love for the sacrificial will be overwhelming. Now, to be sure, not every woman recognizes sacrifice. Many women, like many men, are self-absorbed. We've all known them. Some of us are married to them. I have a few friends and a couple of family members whose wives do not recognize sacrifice and they refuse to take any responsibility or to reciprocate any surrender to their husbands. They maintain borders and boundaries, keep a distance in the bedroom and often provide sexual favors as payment for services rendered. If a man buys this thing or does this chore, he gets a favor; if not...

As a rule, however, sacrifice will win the hearts of our wives. Men, we sacrifice all the time. That is nothing new. We sacrifice time off to get promotions and pay raises. We sacrifice rest time to work out to get or stay in shape and maintain our physique. We sacrifice sleep to get up before dawn to hunt and fish. We sacrifice money for a nicer car, house, boat, or vacation. We sacrifice our health to satisfy cravings of hot wings and pizza.

All too often, however, our sacrifices are for little things, temporary pleasures. And in order to get the things we want we often sacrifice our families. There is a woman in our church who has a job in the software industry where her work never ends. There is always a new program or an upgrade or a patch. A couple of weeks ago she came home and told her husband that her boss had told her she needed to spend more time at work; she spends too much time at church. Her boss isn't a believer and she doesn't understand this woman's priorities. This woman is a strong worker who does her job well. But when her workday is over, she leaves to spend time with her family and to do her ministry at the church (which is actually only about 4 hours a week, counting Sunday). She has established her priorities and makes the necessary sacrifices to do that. Her husband has learned to do the same thing. They are both on their second marriages and are trying hard to make this one work. So far they are doing a good job.

So what do you sacrifice for your wife? Have you asked her if there is anything she would like you to give up for her? Would you do it? Why not? Can you tell your boss or pastor no as easily as you tell your wife no? Do you spend more time and energy winning a potential client than you do winning your wife's heart? I have. I spent most of our marriage working and spending minimal time with my bride. I left her to fend for herself emotionally for more than a decade, and I can't get that back. But I've had other men show me how to prioritize. They model for me what it means to leave when the shop closes so they can be with their families. "It will be here tomorrow," they say. My pastor misses church events, or arrives late or leaves early, to be at his daughters' softball and volleyball games. And he doesn't apologize. Co-workers, bosses, church staff, and family members I know all use all of their vacation time each year. I went seven years without a vacation at my last job. What a moron.

Sometimes we have to sacrifice time with extended family to be with our wives and kids. I moved around a lot growing up so I have family all over. We don't have a family anchor. We are spread all over the eastern seaboard. I haven't seen most of them in 2-3 years, but my wife and child and I have made some great memories on our little family vacations. Growing up, most of my family vacations were to see family. That was fine. But there's a lot of stuff we wanted to do that we just didn't have the weeks saved up for. Take some of your vacation weeks and sacrifice for your wife. Make a romantic getaway. Blow $1000 on a 3-day romantic weekend. Rekindle that spark. Take your wife camping where you can be alone together. Next time, take your kids. But not every time. Go on a date every couple of weeks. Take the time.

Be the groom, sir. Care for your wife as you care for yourself. If you take time to exercise your body, to use your talents at work, to relax with your friends, you ought to do at least that much with and for your wife. Use your gifts at home with her, relax with her as your best friend, exercise your relationship to keep it healthy. And sometimes the sacrifice may mean watching a chick flick. But the sacrifice is always worth the blessing.

It's a New Day

2009-05-04T14:12:00.006-04:00

What an honor to be a groom. Despite the struggle and the hardship, the frustration and the responsibility to care for another, there is great blessing and companionship to being a groom. I've been a groom for nearly 14 years so far. I can't say that I've loved every minute of it, but I've certainly loved a lot of it. I used to wonder what it would be like to move from "fiance" to "groom" to "husband", as if "groom" is a single-day transition from the former to the latter.

As I've looked at definitions and descriptions, however, of "groom" and "bridegroom", I've come to realize that I'm still a groom. A decade and a half into this marriage and I'm still a groom. I still refer to my wife as "my bride" because it suits her. A bride is defined as "a woman who is about to get married or has recently married", or the "woman marriage partner". My wife is both of those. I do my best to ensure that she doesn't become the bride defined in Ambrose Bierce's Devil's Dictionary: "a woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her."

Through this blog I hope to give and gain wisdom in being the groom; the steward of my bride, preparing her for a purpose. And she does have a purpose. A beautiful, glorious, wonderful purpose which goes far beyond making me happy or meeting my needs. She's in the process of becoming. Her purpose is to be prepared for the work "prepared in advance for her to do." She has a God-given role that she is just beginning to fulfill. I can't wait to see what the Lord will do through her as we continue to move forward side-by-side. Her beauty, charm, wit, brilliance, compassion, and giftedness are blinding at work, her passion is unparalleled in our bed, her worship unhindered in our church, and her love for me, so undeserved.

I long to be the groom. Will you, men, continue to be the groom for your bride? Will you return to that time when you would strive to win her heart? Do you still conquer dragons and defend her honor? Do you make extra effort to hold her desire? Or are you merely a married man?